Published June 12, 2012
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140,296 Literary Works • 673,080 Reviews
Really really long piece, but still great. Try paragraphing more, I got a bit mixed up at what part I was at when I was reading it. The description is really good and you can really picture what you've written. It is a tiny bit cliched, but not much. Most of your ideas are very original and I really loved this piece!
Keep writing!
~M.S
It`s if you think this is long it only just begun XD
Thanks so much I will go over it !
Great piece! I love the original names you chose, they really help the characters to become more alive.
Edits:
The secound sentence in the prologue just is broken up by the phrase "countless of times" at the end of it. Besides that the first paragraph, really does a good job of getting the readers attention and sounds really interesting.
In the sentence (towards beggining) "He needed to find away" put a space so it's "a way".
Although I like the originality of the phrase "His skin fled with goose bumps" I'm just not sure it makes sense. Maybe you could substitute the word ran, chased, or another creative verb instead of fled.
I liked the way you put a poem right into the middle of this! Another cool idea. The poem part was my favorite part of the piece the description was great in that as well.
There were a few more capitalization errors like "Holy water and holy water" be consistent capitalize or uncapitalize the "h" don't go back and forth.
And then there were a few spelling errors you should check as well.
Overall the piece has wonderful description, and sounds really original to me. Parts of it start to sound choppy, so you could try reading it aloud to yourself, and you'll notice which parts need to be edited a little. I'm not really sure all of the paragraph breakings made sense so you could double check that too. Thanks for posting! And good luck continuing to write!
~Alli-wa~
Thanks so much for reading.
I will definitely try my best to go over it I notice many say it is a bit choppy, and those little errors *Shakes fist* going to make sure they dont slip by me XD I really appreciate the time you took to read it x3
Thanks
This is really good, but there are some things I wanted to point out. The flow of the story is really choppy. The scenes don't seem together as they probably should. There are also many misspellings of the word "angels", you keep spelling it "angles."
The way you describe things is amazing. The way you've incorporated the two opposites into the world is really cool. Keep it up!
I do suggest you try and organize your work though.
Sweetie, pick another number for the title.
XD I know what your thinking, and it`s kind of the point