Flawed

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Forgetting that those who are

Leading you are imperfect, you

Aim towards their "perfection".

Whatever they do, you follow

Expertly. But no one really remembers that

Demons were once also angels.

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NovaRed
Review
NovaRed wrote a review · Sun Jun 05, 2016 8:40 pm

Aye, Nova here :3

I love how this poem literally tells the reader that they are not perfect, yet they are. That they are not what society thinks is perfect, but they are the perfect they think perfect is. Its beautifully written, and I adore the way you used Flawed as the title, and the main basis of the poem. For someone like me, this poem means a lot. It shows that we can all be our own person, and that we don't have to be accepted, which is an idea I struggle with.
I'm pretty bad at reviews, so I'm sorry if this didn't help you at all.

I really encourage you to keep on writing the way you do. Its special. It will get you somewhere.

-Nova

'Ello, it's Cello here for a review!

Happy review day! I'm just going to jump right in. (It's been awhile since I've seen an acrostic poem so hopefully this will be fun!)

Forgetting that those who are

Leading you are imperfect, you

Aim towards their "perfection".


I like this start but I will say your use of 'imperfect' throws me off a bit. Right in the next line you then talk about perfection. I understand that you're using contrast here purposefully but I feel like using such similar words is a poor choice. On top of this, 'imperfect' is a bit of a... I don't know how to describe it, maybe a 'stiff word'. It doesn't sound comfortable. There are many replacements that you could use for this word but I'd like to point out a few that I think are especially good. 'Flawed' is by far my favorite but something like 'faulty' would work just as well.

Whatever they do, you follow

Expertly. But no one really remembers that

Demons were once also angels.

It's always important to make sure you're writing to your truthful self, not to your poem's set up. For the majority of this poem, you live up to that expectation, but when you come to the third line shown above, it starts to feel as though you're writing purely to fir the acrostic poem format. In this poem you are writing about how everyone has flaws then here you throw in the word 'expertly'. Now, I know that experts can make mistakes, but this word gives the reader a sense of perfection which doesn't fit with the rest of this work. To be honest, I don't have a good suggestion for you to edit to but if you make the choice to write this type of poem you should be able to think of a good replacement. Maybe 'earnestly'? I'm not quite sure what the best choice is.
I have one more thing I'd like to point out before signing off- You're last line has a bit of a strange rhythm to it. 'Demons were once also angles'. It's the 'also' that seems to screw things up. Maybe try 'Demons were once angles too' Even with the fixed flow, I'm not sure I like this line. It shows that people can change, but that doesn't really fit with the message of this poem. You're saying not to follow 'perfect' idols. What does changing have to do with this? I'm not sure what to tell you to do with this line now. Maybe bring it into another work and rewrite it for this specific poem. It's a fine message, it just doesn't match.

I hope this feedback helped a bit! Keep up the good work!
-ChocolateCello

User avatar
Charm
Review
Charm wrote a review · Fri May 27, 2016 5:18 pm

Hey! I'm here to review your poem.

Forgetting that those who are
Leading you are imperfect, you

    This sentence doesn't make sense. "Leading you are"?
Aim towards their "perfection".
Whatever they do, you follow
Expertly. But no one really remembers that
Demons were once also angels.

    I think I'd prefer if this line was "demons were once angels too". It just sounds better to me.

I liked this and you seem to have natural talent which is good. Keep writing!

I hope my review was helpful,
Alice

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Mooilky
Review
Mooilky wrote a review · Thu May 26, 2016 4:54 pm

This is very cleverly done. I like how instead of each letter starting a different sentence, they are scattered throughout. It creates an interesting rhythm.

I wonder if perhaps the last part doesn't need the word 'also'.
If it is just "Demons were once angels." It'll be more concise.

I love poems like this! Way cool (:

Thanks for the review! And someone else pointed that out at some point and I forgot to take it out. Oops xD but thank you for the reminder :)



Review others the way you want to be reviewed.
— RavenAkuma