Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
Two Girls, Both Alike in Dignity, Broke into Different Houses
A is for a dirty girl
Banished from the
Church, a
Devil,
Excluded because of an unlawful
Fuck.
Girls like her have no place here. They belong in
Hell, with the other dirty girls. Not in heaven like him and
I—we are pure, abstinent.
Jesus, hear us. Save the
Kids, keep them pure and out of temptation.
Low and behold, she’s back, the dirty girl, screaming curses.
Mother Mary above, she yells. Mothers cover children’s ears.
Never, she yells. Heaven? Never.
Oh, God, a mother says, and is suddenly
Pierced with sharp eyes turned, from the once-
Quiet girl, to her.
Red cheeks on the girl and the mother, the
Same no matter how different; an anger flush or an embarrassed irony.
Tiny sins, so easily picked out, even if hidden
Under years of righteousness.
Verbal curses on the ears of both, numbing their minds to the meanings of the
Words. They were both
Xenoliths among their
Young peers, but took different paths. One the
Zebra, blending in, the other the ostrich.
------------
Two Sides to Every Story
A is for adultery and
B is for “baby girls” that prance around the stage to the
Calls of men and women alike that
Don’t know how to keep their legs shut. Half-naked and
Egged on by eager men willing to pay
Fifty bucks for a fuck in the back room to replace what their spouses won’t
Give, but the
Hoes on the pole have to.
I is for ignorant onlookers and
J is for jealousy.
K is for kids
Left at home with a babysitter because
Mommy’s got to make money for
Noodles and orange juice for tomorrow.
On the neon stage, the girl, barely nineteen, hears the jeers of
People on the outside. But she stays, and stays
Quiet, because her job is to dance, not speak.
R is for running to the
Supermarket just before it closes
To get bread and milk and then rush back to her
University dorm, to watch
V For Vendetta with her roommate and forget that she’s a
Xenolith among her peers, a separate breed absorbed within them, like the
Ziplock of singles between the ice cubes and popsicles in the freezer.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
'Ello, it's Cello!
It said you didn't have to review both but I thought I would anyway.
Honestly, I'm going to have to disagree with ellimist here (On the first line of her review). I have a strong belief that women (and men, of course) should be allowed to do whatever they please with their body. Why shame the stripper when you can shame the man who stepped out on his wife to throw singles at a stranger?
I'd like to review this work in a professional manner so for the rest of this, I'll be putting my beliefs to the side.
Here's the part where I agree with ellimist- The 'abc' format was strange. In my opinion, it took away from the poems. What could have been simple and true was forced into an outline. It's always better to write and let things fall as they do instead of arranging and faking your thoughts so they fit the pattern. This applies even more towards the end of the poems.
'A rock among her pears'? I could maybe see it... as Xenolith is usually found in meteorites (So stand out maybe? Different?) But not many people know that so it doesn't make much sense to put into a poem that's supposed to be clear to the reader.
and 'yak behind her back'? What does that even mean?
I liked the contrast in the poems and I encourage you to keep writing (though you might want to try a less complicated type of poem outline, as 'abecedarian' is quite a challenge)
-ChocolateCello
(Is your avvie supposed to look like the pan flag? 'Cause if so, it rocks)
Yak, informal: a trivial or unduly persistent conversation.
Xenolith: a different rock embedded in a larger consistent rock (I'm going for metaphor; an outsider absorbed against her will into a larger student body)
(FYI)
I think I will take the first out of abecedarian form. Thanks for the critique!
And yea, my avvie is the pan flag, thanks!
seems like every person has a story to tell.
seems like every person has a story to tell.A good format.I like it.The abecedarian format gave a sense of the poets feeling while the word were expressed to prove a point directly.Overall it was a nice poem. Good Job!
Honestly, I did like the idea of calling out people on their bullshit when it comes to sex workers and the sort. The abecedarian format weirded me out a little though, but that's just a matter of personal taste--overall, I actually quite enjoyed this poem.
However, I did find there were some lines that seemed...forced, because of the abecedarian format. For example: "I—we are pure, abstinent." I don't quite understand this line, as it switches from just being about the self-righteous girl to the self-righteous girl including someone else. Who is the person? The sex worker? Jesus? Her fiance? The above line did say something about "him and" and then switched to I, but it took me out of the poem and made me read it all over again.
"Zebra, blending in, the other the ostrich." And this line. I don't quite...understand this line. It can mean several things, with the 'good' girl being the zebra and the 'bad' girl being the ostrich...hiding her face from the world? Alright, I don't understand this. I won't tell you to change it, though, for this is mostly my tiny nitpicks and strange drabbles.
The point is, though, I did like the whole thing. My favorite part has to be this one:
"I is for ignorant assholes and
J is for jealousy.
K is for kids
Left at home with a babysitter because
Mommy’s got to get money for
Noodles and orange juice for tomorrow."
It highlights two different sides to the sex worker not commonly seen, contrasting the innocence of her intentions to the filth and grime usually associated with her work. I'm putting a like on this, so thank you for the read. And again, I'm sorry if most of my criticisms might not have made sense. Good job!
Honestly, I did like the idea of calling out people on their bullshit when it comes to sex workers and the sort. The abecedarian format weirded me out a little though, but that's just a matter of personal taste--overall, I actually quite enjoyed this poem.
However, I did find there were some lines that seemed...forced, because of the abecedarian format. For example: "I—we are pure, abstinent." I don't quite understand this line, as it switches from just being about the self-righteous girl to the self-righteous girl including someone else. Who is the person? The sex worker? Jesus? Her fiance? The above line did say something about "him and" and then switched to I, but it took me out of the poem and made me read it all over again.
"Zebra, blending in, the other the ostrich." And this line. I don't quite...understand this line. It can mean several things, with the 'good' girl being the zebra and the 'bad' girl being the ostrich...hiding her face from the world? Alright, I don't understand this. I won't tell you to change it, though, for this is mostly my tiny nitpicks and strange drabbles.
The point is, though, I did like the whole thing. My favorite part has to be this one:
"I is for ignorant assholes and
J is for jealousy.
K is for kids
Left at home with a babysitter because
Mommy’s got to get money for
Noodles and orange juice for tomorrow."
It highlights two different sides to the sex worker not commonly seen, contrasting the innocence of her intentions to the filth and grime usually associated with her work. I'm putting a like on this, so thank you for the read. And again, I'm sorry if most of my criticisms might not have made sense. Good job!