I am free...
To dream,
to be free,
To show what I seem,
To be.
And the feelings,
Of freedom,
All the amazing sightings,
Have never challenged the some,
The some who are human beings.
A sharp blade,
Blocking me,
In a dungeon till I'm dead,
Nothing to see.
I'd rather,
Have the heart,
To be stabbed by a murderer,
And my body hid in a cart,
Things would be harder,
Always to the heart,
Never,
Hit by a dart.
But now,
I think, I'm free,
To bow,
Before God, to see.
I can feel,
the magical colours,
Swimming around me like a seal,
The magical colours,
I AM FREE!!!
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140,218 Literary Works • 673,046 Reviews
Hi! Great poem, but in the end it says
I get that you are trying to prove a point, but during the poem the point was already proved. I mean if you like it that's fine, and I'm not saying I don't like it because I do I am just saying that you already stated the point of the poem and that you do not need to state it again. Anyway, please don't take that the wrong way, because I have dealt with it before and it started a huge argument between me and my best friends, I mean it was a long time ago, but still, and we made up, but I just don't want that to happen between us, so please don't take that the wrong way, because to be honest, I don't want to hurt your's or anyone else's feelings.
Aright. I really didn't see any nitpicks, which is very, very good! Your grammar was good, and so was everything else, but what I think is that you may have put too many comas, but don't worry about it because really, I am terrible at grammar and commas and all that jazz! xD!
Now.
I think that is about all, I just want to say that I'm sorry for the super long review, and I'm not doing this for points (even though I need them. Well I kind of am, but...) I am doing this for your support to your poem, and to make you happy that people like me and other on YWS love your poems! But I really think I already stated that point so it doesn't need to be said again. That can be someone else saying that your poem.. Well... Rocks!
Anyhow. Enjoyed reading the poem, and can't wait to read more!
Keep up the good writing
Love,
Dogs!
Hey there, Tay01, and Happy Review Day!!
So, I really like this. The only minor problem I have with it is the ending. I still like it, nonetheless, but, I just think that all of the caps and all of the exclamation points. I mean, I get it that you are making a point, but, the point was already made. I do not think, though, that this was a bad closer. It just took away a little of the sentimentality of the whole piece, overall.
Anyway, I love the imagery and how simple yet magnificent this piece is!!
I love your vibrant words and great phraseology!!
The only other small problem I have is how large the small poem looks because of the formatting that you used.
Great job, nonetheless, and, just remember, you can either listen to my opinions or think nothing of them. Your choice! ;P
I am only here to help! #Constructivecriticismz ....
Great job, though, once again!!,
Keep writing!!,
~Tiff
Hello there! I am here for a review of this lovely work!
This poem is amazing and it really made me think. I really like your word choice. It really makes the poem have a great flow and that makes it a really awesome poem. This is really deep and I love really deep stuff. I can't believe you're only 12 because this is so amazing and I would have never been able to write something as deep and great as this. There are some places where I don't think you need commas, such as "and the feelings, of freedom" and "I'd rather, have the heart" but that's just my opinion.
All in all though, like I said, this was great and so wonderfully written and very deep, which is sometimes hard to do, so awesome job!
I see you're new too, so welcome to YWS and I hope you like it here! If you need anything, or have a question, or just want to talk, feel free to send me a message!
Hello, Tay01. This is Margo here for a review.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe the message you're trying to get across is: death is a kind of freedom. If so, bravo. It's a sad reality for some who are suffering, I must say.
Your first stanzas are good. There are some ways you could make them better, though. Experiment with different words and different forms of words. Read your work out loud to check for flow. If something sounds awkward to you, try experimenting with the number of syllabols in your lines. Generally, lines with a similar number of syllabols sound better.
Example:
Try:
To feel a sense of freedom,
To see amazing sights,
Never challenges the some,
The some who are breathing.
I'm not sure you really need this stanza. In my opinion, it doesn't seem to add or detract anything from the poem. To keep writing concise and easy to understand, I've always found it best to elimante uneeded information. That being said, if you believe this stanza does add to your poem, by all means keep it.
This stanza includes rhyming while your other stanzas do not. To make this poem flow more, I would remove the rhyming couplets from this stanza to match the others.
Try:
I'd rather have a heart
to be stabbed
and freed of my misery,
Than live empty
and bound
As another's prisoner.
The only changes I would make to these last stanzas would be to remove "to see" after "God" and "like a seal" after "swimming around me." It might also be a nice touch to add "The colours of freedom" after "The magical colours" followed by I AM FREE. To keep your work serious, I would remove the multiple exclamation marks.
I hope my suggestions help and feel free to ignore my rewritten versions of your stanzas (I was only showing you how you could experiment with them). Great work with your poem and keep writing! A good writer rewrites and then rewrites some more!
Happy Writing
--MS
Yeah it does sound better that way. Thanks.
Happy review day!!!
Zanda here for a review!
Wow Tay, this is so so good! Could never write this when I was 12, and even now, you are way better than me. Loved the message conveyed through your work! A few suggestions, though (I think most of them have already been said). Don't use "to be free" twice in the first stanza. There are some things I don't really get (and it could just be me), but the sharp blade blocking part and the never hit by a dart part are a bit confusing to me. The end I feel is especially beautiful, especially the second to last stanza. But now/I think, I'm free/ To bow/ Before God, to see..
Great Job and Keep Writing!
-Zanda
I've read this poem a couple of times now and I have a few major problems.
The first is the strict conformity to rhyme scheme. I am all for rhyme when it is part of the technique. For example, rhyming "long" with "strong" when describing an arm or leg would emphasise admiration. However, "cart" doesn't have all that much to do with "heart" or "dart". If there is meaning here, it needs to be made clearer. Right now, the body being hid is an unnecessary detail that doesn't add anything to your piece and it disrupts the flow. There are several instances like this. Eg "freedom" and "some". Not only is the rhyme questionable, but I have never heard "the some" used in any sort of context.
My second problem is that I don't understand what you are freeing yourself from. Add in some description of your enemy. Make sure to use 'cold' adjectives to describe them. Harsh lines that don't end where they're supposed to. Maybe some verbs jumping out at the reader and the ends of lines to show how evil this force is. That way the reader can sympathise with the narrator.
I was going to say that my final problem was the lack of structure but now that I think about it it sort of symbolises how you are free to write as you like. That is why the rhyme scheme seems so incongruous. It is restricting you; you don't seem free at all. I think you should work some of this haphazard style of structure into your word choice to show that you are setting the words free.
I think this does have potential, but it will take some work.
PM me if you need any clarification
Biscuits
Thank you.
np
haha
Hey! CHRISSY here for a review!
*Happy Review day*
Ok, I just want to start with a astounding WOW! This is so deep so creative- so hard to write! You did it! There is like 100 bonus point just right there! Ok, now for minor fixes..
The last part where you say:
"I AM FREE!!!"
I think that it may be a little extreme to do all caps- but that just may be me!
Ok here, I think there are too many commas, and you can do with out the one after "I think" :
"But now,
I think, I'm free,"
There were one or two things like that else where, but I think you can get that now!
Now for my Favorite part! I love the last stanza, where it says: "
"I can feel,
the magical colours,
Swimming around me like a seal,"
I think that is a great description, and ver creative! It was awesome! It just added more wow to the poem!
Ok, Overall, this was spectacular! out of ten stars, I would give fifteen! Keep Writing! (and reviewing)
Thank you!
Chrissy I HATE YOU
?
Not trying to butt in here, but you shouldn't say you hate a person just because. I mean that is sort of cyber bullying and could hurt Chrissy321's feelings. Sorry to comment, and if you don't like it please don't reply because if you don't have something nice to say then don't say anything at all.
It is ok, I know her in real life, and yeah I told her not to do that... So I hope she will not!
Hello Tay01,
Myjaspercat here for your review
First of all I like this poem and I think that it is cute. But there are a few things I want to suggest.
1.)In the first stanza I would suggest not using the line 'to be free' since you already said 'I am free' a line before that. It is too repetitive and it makes your writing look clunky which can detour your readers.
2.) Your second stanza as whole kind of confused me. Again I don't think you should use the word 'freedom' since you talked about being free already but if you want to then that is your decision.
"Have never challenged the some,
The some who are human beings,"
----These two lines are what confuse me the most and I think it is because you used the word 'some'. Maybe you could replace the word 'some' with a different word. Using 'some
just kind of sounds weird. (Anyways I am repeating myself)
3.)
"I can feel,
the magical colours,
Swimming around me like a seal,
The magical colours,"
--- I want to know why you are repeating the second line. I don't see what it has to do with this stanza or the poem in general maybe it would be best if you just deleted the forth line.
Overall I want to say that this poem has potential. It went fast and could use more detail (imagery) but it still has potential.
Good Luck and Continue Writing---Myjaspercat
Hello Mate! What a lovely poem I just read! If I do say so, this poem shows off a great rhyming scheme and a beautiful message that happens throughout the poem. I love poems like these and hopefully, one day I could write like this since I, sadly, can't write poems.
Also my favorite part of this poem is "swimming around me like a seal"; I love seals so its kind of funny since seals flop around and stuff. I'm a little confused by the quote "stabbed by a murderer"; I mean I get it but at the same I don't (that's just myself since I don't really make any sense to anyone)
Hope to read more from you,
OneThousandDrums
From Team Smaug
Thanks, and you could have just reviewed?
I did but it didn't "fit" the poem requirements but anyway....
AWESOME!!! *Is doing happy dance* This is some of the best poetry I have seen in a while!!!! (I love exclamation points so I apologize if those drive you nuts!!!)
1) "It is way better than them." This seems a little less dramatic and almost out of place in this sentence. Like, I get what you're trying to get across, but it just doesn't flow right here and because of the previous sentences it almost sounds like you could just drop it.
2) "To be stabbed by a stabber" Stabbed by a stabber. This almost made me laugh here, so my apologies if that sounds rude (In my defense I only laughed because it sounds like something I would have written) maybe stabbed by a murderer or a killer would fit better here. Also they would still rhyme.
3) "Never/Hit by a dart" This here doesn't make much sense to me? I'm not quite sure what's going on here
4) My personal favorite part: "And the feelings/Of freedom/All the amazing sightings/Have never challenged the some/The some who are human beings
Keep writing and keep on smiling!!!!
~RagingLive for the Blue Moons
*smiles*