What You Do Not See

Hey Cynder here with a review. So first off, I loved your poem. Now for bad stuff-well could be better stuff. The first two lines I think could be rephrased. There's a way to say "something" only once. I think that by repeating it, you lose some vital interest from the reader. In that case you could change it to something like,

There is something, which you cannot seem to believe.

. I think that even though it may sound like it, there should not be a comma after "time" in

Every time, it surrounds me, disturbing my soul,

because one; it sounds choppy, and two: Two commas should not be used in the same line, as that would mean you would have to make it it's own line so only one comma is used. Next I have two pointers for this line,

I reply the answer, "No.

You should add another pair of parentheses there and either change the middle to "I give the answer, no" or "I reply with the answer." I get that you might want the poem to sound simple, but the way it is written doesn't convey that and it ends up just sounding choppy. Also, you should avoid using the word "but" two lines by substituting, "but" for "yet" in this line,

But I feel as if I have to,

. Next, I think you should use some alight imagery in this line,

Your face will turn blue.

. Just adding one little word like "ocean" or "purple-ish" to blue will keep the reader entertained, connect your thoughts together, and demonstrate your idea of embarrassment more. Lastly, I'm a little confused by your second to last line, but that could just be me,

Was the least but greatest fear;

First that should be a ":" because embarrassment afterwards is not a new sentence or thought. Your specifying the fear, not adding a new thought. Also, it may be just me, but I was confused as to how it is the least but greatest fear..
With that, my reviewing is done, and I loved it! It's especially fun when you get your guy friends to be red in the face XD Hope my review helped. Cynder out.

Hey Tiny here!


This is so cute and easy to relate to! Kinda reminds me of little kids on the playround messing around with each other for laughs. Overall very enjoyable.

Of course, you do not see it,

Because it only affects my heart and me,

But when I pour it out to you,

Instead of the comma after me, change to a period to avoid run on sentences.

You'll say, "It is something I can see!"

I reply the answer, "No."

Periods outside the quotes to indicate a new speaker and subject.

I got a bruise,

Everybody around laughs,

Maybe add a me inbetween around and laughs to help with the flow.

It is what you believe not.

What?

Turned it the other way round,

Change the beginning to "And turn the other..."


Other than that you're all good! Super cute and silly poem dude!

-Keep writing

P.S. separate stanzas with shift+enter