z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Lockdown Part 3

by Tawsif


“So, my dear House Peons, how are you people?”

“Fine, sir!” The six House Peons, two assigned for each of the three Houses, utter the words at once with feigned conviction. That’s what the rule is; when the Principal asks you ‘How are you?”, you say “Fine, sir!”, aloud.

“Good.” Mr. Rohan Majumder, the Principal, starts scratching his arms.

That stupid asshole always does that, Mahmud thinks as he looks at the Principal. What’s wrong with his hand? Some kind of skin disease?

“Well, gentlemen, these are difficult times. Our entire campus is locked down. We’ve sealed the gates. No one is coming in or going out. You know all that. Now,” Mr. Rohan takes a deep breath. “I understand that you are anxious about your family. I understand it very well. But you see, you have to stay within the boundaries of the Houses now. It’s an order coming straight from the Headquarters. The headquarters believe that you gentlemen, House Peons, need to be kept isolated at all cost. Because when you are on duty, you stay with the Cadets all day. You are the ones Cadets have most contact with. So, I think you understand why we had to keep you within the boundaries of the Houses. Is that right?”

“Yes, sir!” Another demonstration of feigned conviction.

“Good. Now, about your families. We are trying everything we can to keep them safe—”

You’re not doing shit!

“and we will keep doing so. Don’t you worry about your families—”

Oh, don’t worry! Why do you have your two sons in your bungalow then? Why did you bring them home right before all this began?

“now. Remember, the Cadets’ safety always comes first. Even before your families’ safety. We are in a war, gentlemen. We are fighting to protect the Cadets against COVID-19. We all have a role to play in this war. Your role is to stay within the House boundaries, mix with as less people as you can, and of course, don’t come in any sort of physical contact with the Cadets, or any outsiders. Is that clear?”

“Yes, sir!”

“And now,” Mr. Rohan leans forward, “I have heard some bad news, gentlemen. Some fourth-class employee—not you, of course—have been caught in the act of fleeing from the campus climbing over the fence.”

What? Now who could that stupid asshole be?

“He is going to pay for this. Indeed, he will. But I don’t want any of you,” he points at the House Peons now, “to repeat this stupidity. Or else, I will not be as polite with you as I am now. Could I send my message home?”

“Yes, sir!”

“Okay then, gentlemen. Off you go.”

Six House Peons say “As-salamu alaykum” altogether, and then leave the Principal’s office.

***

“Ma, you’re coughing again?”

Rahmana Begum is having one of her fits at the moment. She’ll keep coughing, her face will redden, it'll seem as if someone is squashing her heart, until the coughing slows down.

Barsha Chowdhury rushes to her mother and takes her hand in her hands. She strokes her mother, because she knows it helps.

It does. The coughs turn into gasps now.

Barsha takes the glass from the bedside table and brings it to Rahmana’s mouth. “Here, ma. Have some water.”

She drinks. The gasps trail away.

Rahmana Begum's heart is weak. It’s not that serious. Not any disease, thankfully. But these fits come to her every week, almost like a reminder of her aging.

“You’re okay now?”

She nods.

Every time Barsha sees her mother coughing, her mind goes entirely blank. She can’t think anything at all. Only when the coughing ends can she begin to feel herself again.

Or maybe she doesn’t want to think. Maybe she doesn’t to face the fears.

“You really scare me sometimes, ma.” She strokes her mother’s hair. “This shitty job! Duties and duties and duties. No time to rest. I came here to be a teacher. Who knew I was gonna have to do all these?”

Teachers, especially those who newly join the school, have these moments of frustration, when they realize their role here is more than educating the Cadets. They are here to watch over the Cadets as well.

Rahmana takes Barsha’s hands in hers. “Look at me.”

She looks.

“I’m not weak, Barsha. I might be sixty-three, but I still have a lot left in me. I won’t break so easily. Did I break when he died?”

The unmentioned male is Barsha’s father, Ibrahim Chowdhury. He died of a heart attack nine years ago. Barsha was twenty-two at the time. She can remember how she fainted every time she looked at her father’s lifeless face lying in the Khatiya, the bed that carries the dead. But her mother didn’t faint. She cried, but she didn’t lament. She didn’t break.

“No.”

“So you’re wrong if you think this virus is going to break me.”

“Ma, I know you’re not like those pathetic old women. You won’t lose your strength. But this not about how firm one is. Corona doesn’t give a damn about that. It spares no one.”

“Oh, it’s going to spare me. You’ll see.”

Barsha wants to believe her mother, but she knows the truth. Her half-educated mother’s assumptions are largely superstitious.

Her mind goes blank again.


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455 Reviews


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Mon May 04, 2020 12:05 am
Hijinks wrote a review...



Hello Tawsif! I'm here for Part 3!

Once again, I'll get through the nitpicks first, and then give you some broader feedback.

“Fine, sir!” The six House Peons, two assigned for each of the three Houses, utter the words at once with feigned conviction.

Probably a more natural way to say this would be, "utter the words in unison".

That stupid asshole always does that, Mahmud thinks as he looks at the Principal. What’s wrong with his hand? Some kind of skin disease?

Ah, finally! We're starting to see how the plots intertwine!

Six House Peons say “As-salamu alaykum” altogether, and then leave the Principal’s office.

Minor detail - "altogether" should simply be "together".

Barsha takes the glass from the bedside table and brings it to Rahmana’s mouth. “Here, ma. Have some water.”

"ma" should have a capital M.

“You really scare me sometimes, ma.” She strokes her mother’s hair. “This shitty job! Duties and duties and duties. No time to rest. I came here to be a teacher. Who knew I was gonna have to do all these?”

Again, "ma" should have a capital M. Also, since you have some mild swearing, I would suggest you rate this 16+ for language.

General Comments
1. Your dialogue continues to be very strong and realistic.

2. My main suggestion for this part is to add more engaging descriptions. For example, in this scene:
“Ma, you’re coughing again?”

Rahmana Begum is having one of her fits at the moment. She’ll keep coughing, her face will redden, it'll seem as if someone is squashing her heart, until the coughing slows down.

Barsha Chowdhury rushes to her mother and takes her hand in her hands. She strokes her mother, because she knows it helps.

It does. The coughs turn into gasps now.

describe the house where they are in. Is Rahmana sitting in a creaking rocking chair? What is the lighting like? Dim, bright, cold, warm? Is the house big and empty, or small and crowded? Adding details like that can really draw your reader into the story.

3. I love that we're starting to return to previous plots, and see how they connect! I can't wait to read the next chapter.

That's it for my review, I hope it was helpful, and again, thank you for requesting it!

Keep writing!

Whatchamacallit




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Sun Apr 19, 2020 9:47 pm
Necromancer14 wrote a review...



Well! This ended on a sad note, I see.

Here's my review:

It was quite intriguing to read. The beginning was interesting with everybody pretending to agree with the principal, who seems to be somewhat of a hypocrite. You're definitely getting people's personalities across, so good job there. I've found, however, that you could probably use a tad more descriptions of what things look like; it helps set the mood a lot. It's very emotional though; the said emotion is mostly frustration and anger, but still. It's quite good in that respect.

“Fine, sir!” The six House Peons, two assigned for each of the three Houses, utter the words at once with feigned conviction. That’s what the rule is; when the Principal asks you ‘How are you?”, you say “Fine, sir!”, aloud.


See? Where's the setting? You don't say. However, your storytelling is great. I like both the internal and external dialogue.

“Yes, sir!” Another demonstration of feigned conviction.


This part stood out. I liked it, though I don't know why.

“He is going to pay for this. Indeed, he will. But I don’t want any of you,” he points at the House Peons now, “to repeat this stupidity. Or else, I will not be as polite with you as I am now. Could I send my message home?”


"COULD I send my message home?" shouldn't it be "DID I send my message home?" Just wondering, in case you meant something else. "Could" says that he is asking whether he is able too or not.

Every time Barsha sees her mother coughing, her mind goes entirely blank. She can’t think anything at all. Only when the coughing ends can she begin to feel herself again.


I liked this part, probably because it gives insight to the personality to Barsha.

“No.”

“So you’re wrong if you think this virus is going to break me.”

“Ma, I know you’re not like those pathetic old women. You won’t lose your strength. But this not about how firm one is. Corona doesn’t give a damn about that. It spares no one.”


This part was very emotional, and more sadness and fear this time, as apposed to the usual frustration, anxiety, and anger that has been throughout the other parts so far.

Her mind goes blank again.


Nice ending.

Well, that's my review! I hope it was helpful.




Tawsif says...


Thanks very much. And there'll be more parts coming next. I'll expect you to keep reviewing, if you don't mind.
Again, sorry!



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Sun Apr 19, 2020 5:53 am
Xerphrox wrote a review...



Hey Tawsif!

I wonder if this is the last of the series, I kinda feel there’d be more coming. I imagine you following up on the escapee in the next parts. So I’ll restrain myself from giving out my conclusive opinion about the entire series until you confirm which is the last part.

STORY 6

“Fine, sir!” The six House Peons, two assigned for each of the three Houses,

I’m still not sure what a House Peon is. I kinda figure they’re lik House Leaders but are they teachers or like more advanced students?
utter the words at once with feigned conviction.

I’ve always felt this way about our civilian army training. I kept on asking my classmates why we had to shout so dramatically. It’s quite hilarious. I never knew even people in the military feel this way too.
‘How are you?”,

*”How
What’s wrong with his hand?

Isn’t it supposed to be arms?
The headquarters believe that you gentlemen,

*Headquarters or headquarters? Capital or small letter? Just try to keep it consistent.
“Good. Now, about your families. We are trying everything we can to keep them safe—”
You’re not doing shit!
“and we will keep doing so. Don’t you worry about your families—”
Oh, don’t worry! Why do you have your two sons in your bungalow then? Why did you bring them home right before all this began?

I love this exchange of dialogue and inner thoughts.
“now. Remember, the Cadets’ safety always comes first. Even before your families’ safety. We are in a war, gentlemen.

I can’t imagine that this would be the situation people in military are faced with. This is devastating. I guess you’ve explored this in Mahmud’s story and then showed a story opposite to him through Karim. I wonder how Mahmud would think of Karim.
mix with as less people as you can,

I’d prefer to use interact instead of mix. Mix kinda feels like “to associate”.


STORY 7

it'll seem as if someone is squashing her heart,

I’m sure you could rephrase this better. Keep the rhythm parallel with your previous phrases.
Maybe she doesn’t to face the fears.

*doesn’t want
The unmentioned male is Barsha’s father, Ibrahim Chowdhury.

I’d prefer to simply say… “She was referring to Barsha’s father, Ibrahim Chowdhury.”
Her mind goes blank again.
[/quote][/quote]
I like how you chose to end it with this, really demonstrates Barsha’s headspace. The way you ended this story with this sentence forces us to understand how she feels. It leaves us hanging in darkness, in the uncertainty of her feelings and uncertainty of the entire situation. A lot of people feel this way so I’m glad you made a character here to represent how many people feel uncertain about our future.
But I’m wondering how she got her mother inside the school. Some of the faculty seem to have their family in the school, some don’t. I hope you could explain why that is the situation. Story 6 could have been a good story to explain this.




Tawsif says...


As always, you came up with such expert criticism! Thanks for pointing out the little typos!
You're doing me a great favour. I don't know how to thank you, man!




I just want to be the side character in a book that basically steals the whole series.
— avianwings47