Young Writers Society

Hi there Taslimalima, you've left a few reviews on my pieces so I thought I'd return the favor. I will be using a device called The YWS Critique Sandwich in order to structure my review. -- It's a super simple format that many reviewers find helpful, a lot of people like getting review in this sort of format because then there's specific praise and criticism.

Praise
First we have the "Likes" -- where I explain the parts that I think (you) the author really excelled in.This is the bread of the Review Sandwich.

I enjoy that you chose a few topics that aren't commonly addressed!

There are bits of wonderful imagery here -- like the "swirling baby inside" and then your vivid colorful descriptions mixing sight and feelings in the second paragraph.
Lastly the idea of a "golden sunset" is a lovely metaphor for cherished moments.

Areas For Improvement
Next we have the section where I'll address some specific areas that could be improved, this is the meat of the review sandwich. I like to use different headers to organize my areas of criticism to make sure the review is organized. Today I'll be using the categories of Punctuation and Organization

Punctuation
We have quite a few punctuation difficulties in this piece where it looks like you're missing a space between comas or periods. Just to clarify; a comma (,) always has a space after it and no space in front of it. A period (.) is the same way unless it is being used as an ellipses. Although a space should follow the use of ellipses. (... )

Organization
To summarize your main points in paragraph 1 you claim that there's an inherent difference between mother and father attachment to a child and use the baby's development as background. In paragraph 2 you give 4 different descriptions of life. In paragraph 3 you compare memories to sunsets and address lonliness. Now each of these are an interesting subject in themselves, but the way they're organized in this piece there is nothing linking the three paragraphs together making it seem like seemingly random statements collected into one little piece.

One good writing technique (especially for essays) is to come up with a thesis (like a main point) and then use that to lead your writing, have paragraphs that come back to the main point somehow and use the organization of the points to build it up. For example if I wanted to write an essay about how dogs are the best I might build paragraphs around themes like my experience with dogs, facts about dogs, and comparisons of dogs to other animals, but every paragraph would somehow relate back to that main idea. This way readers have a clear indication of what I'm trying to say. To summarize, I think this piece would be easier to understand if you organized your information around a single topic and if you somehow link what you're saying in one paragraph to the other paragraphs.

Conclusion
This is the last piece of bread for the review sandwich where I give a few overall impressions and say goodbye.

Overall, I love the originality of the piece and I think the topics are ambitious. I would like to see a little more polish in editing of the piece and I think you can expand even further on the excellent imagery and metaphors that you have started.

Best of luck in your future work! Please let me know if you have any questions about my review.

~alliyah

Hi Taslimalima!
Also: Happy #RevMo !
I'm currently attempting to get in my 50 reviews, so I thought I'd review this.

Grammar Stuff
The first thing that pops out to me is your grammar. Or rather, your lack of it. The mistakes made it difficult for me to read, and harder to pick out your message in here. I didn't find the use of the ellipsis very necessary in here. They made each sentence that they're in look absentminded and vague, like these are just some random thoughts of yours and not concise, concrete statements. And if you are going to use them, try to be consistent with how many "." you use. Sometimes you used four, other times three, then you ended with two. Ellipses typically have three dots, so I suggest you stick with that.

Also: you should always capitalize the first word in a sentence. You were pretty good with that towards the end of this, but in the beginning, it wasn't so neat. In case you are struggling with grammar, maybe you'll want to check out this article on it, since I can't give exactly give you a full-on lesson right now. ^-^

Specifics

it is very easy to say "good bye" or separation.... for a man.

Life is very short ….but some moments are shiny red ,some are full of joys.

But, some moments seems like golden sunset...or what I called like the milky way in our life. May be those moments are just sitting lonely with a hollow heart..

Hey there! After reading your other work, I thought I'd come review this too!

If I'm really honest, I'll have to say I didn't think this one worked as well as your other one.

Now, it definitely wasn't all bad. I like the image of the golden sunset and sitting "lonely with a hollow heart". It brings to mind someone sitting quietly on the porch, watching things end. I also think your first paragraph, where you explore the different ties men and women have to their families, has a lot of potential, but it's not there yet.

The first thing is that this is confusing - it reads like notes you made to yourself. The problem with that is that I can't read your mind. The notes probably make perfect sense to you, but I hardly even know what situations in life you're talking about. I need more information

In your first paragraph, the main problem again is that this isn't fleshed out. You give no evidence and hardly any explanation for what you say. This makes it hard for the reader to understand your viewpoint and it definitely doesn't persuade them of anything. It also doesn't connect with the other two paragraphs, which are much more vague and, at least to me, don't really say anything - yet. Is this about "moments of life" or is it about the difficulty women have at leaving their family? Again, all this can be fixed as you expand your ideas and explore the connections you've made here.

When it comes to grammar and such, this one had fewer typos, so it was a lot more readable.

I guess my advice can be summed up in a few short words: expand and give this essay focus! Once you've done that, you have something very compelling.

Hello Taslimalima! Alice here to give you a review!

Okay, so this kinda seems like a half formed idea right now. So you have this awesome though that moments are individualized things and not one string of things that has big and small moments. That's not an approach that most people take and so I commend you on that! But then you just sort of leave it hanging, you detail the fact that one of these moments you are talking about is the loss of a child and how a man and a woman react differently to it. One seems indifferent and the other one is almost drowning in sorrow. Maybe expand on more moments, let us see the happy ones as well as the sad, the ones that shine fire truck red and golden sunset. Give us all the moments that define a person!

I think if you took this idea and ran with it, it you expanded on it some more, this would be a brilliant piece of work!! Keep writing and keep exploring!!!
-Alice