Young Writers Society

Hey there! I thought I'd drop by for a quick review today.

I really like the tone you've taken with this - it feels very intimate and full of wonder. Just the way the narrator talks, you can tell that he/she is talking to someone very close to them, and it makes me smile to think about that tender moment. At the same time, you hint that this person doesn't love the other person back, but it's unclear, and so I'm not really sure what you were going for.

I also really like your connection to swimming with flying, especially because the lake reflects the sky and so it works in a way I had never thought about before. I think that's the strongest image you have in this piece, and I think you could explore it a lot more if you want. I especially would love to see the metaphor of how this relates to their relationship developed more.

My biggest critique is simply grammar and punctuation - basically, this needs to be proofread. The inconsistent spaces before/after punctuation makes it difficult to read and really distract from your lovely message. You also have some typos, such as "breathe", which should be "breath" and "shinny" which should be "shiny."

This is up to you, but I also think you could consider making this a poem with stanzas and line breaks, rather than all one paragraph. I think it would let you draw more attention to some of the important stuff that otherwise gets lost in the middle of the paragraph.

Finally, the picture is also very beautiful and I'm glad you shared it! You may want to check the formatting so it's not in the middle of the line. Also, tagging something with a hashtag to categorize it doesn't work on this site.

Thanks for sharing this, and keep writing!

Hey there Taslimalima.

I thought this was a sweet piece of writing. I'd almost sort it into the poetry category, but since you've not called it a poem, I think it might be a letter. It doesn't really sound like the person is talking to their love face to face, they seem to be a little sad, as if they're missing the person they love. I imagine them sitting by the river, writing a letter, and they just happen to get onto the topic of the river.

I really liked the whole idea of looking at the sky through the river. You really can see it. The idea that you could swim in the river but feel like you're flying is very clever.

The area where this is lacking, in my opinion, is the way it's set out. There's not much structure, just sentence after sentence. By splitting it up with some line spaces, you could emphasise certain areas and just generally draw this out and pace my reading.

Your writing prompt image is pretty cool, by the way. Thanks for sharing.