First thing i put up here^^
I had to write this for a class and we drew random rules about structure, rhymes and syllables.
English is not my first language so sorry in advance for the many spelling and grammar mistakes that I'm sure are in there
Broken solider says he is letting go
Crying, his girlfriend begging no
He is leaving his love behind
Praying to the gods to be kind
The army his hopes has shattered
They say his will does not matter
The truth would only start a fight
So off he goes, into the night
He never meant to hurt her so
Against his will, he had to go
Ladies like her are hard to find
Her image never leaves his mind
Replays the day he met her
And how she made his day better
Losing all sense of wrong and right
Her picture puts his track in light
Time passes, it starts to snow
Nine months in and his spirits low
Without her he felt as good as blind
Suicide note to her he signed
Someday they would be together
But the same night he got a letter
In his life a new born delight
One that made him take the next flight
This unfair war had made him grow
This time all his love, he would show
Just wishing he could time rewind
Rings and forever them will bind
Promises it will be better
Life had change with one letter
Now her sweet smile is within sight
Tears fall, holding his baby boy tight.
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139,546 Literary Works • 672,605 Reviews
I really, really like this. I'll go over it stanza by stanza.
I'm a bit of a crazed punctuation nazi. If you don't want puncuation in there, you don't have to put it, but I'd suggest putting it there. XP I really liked this stanza. The beginning shows his sadness to leave his girlfriend, then going into the army and showing how sad it is. Awesome job.
I love this stanza. Its so sad and sweet. I especially love the second line. Really, really sweet.
At this point, I was wondering if his girlfriend had a baby or if he was going AWOL. I really liked this stanza; it made the reader want more.
That last line was so sweet and adorable. I thought near the beginning that this would be about a soldier dying, but, no, it was about something much sweeter and adorable. Well done.
Ah the structured poem. Very classic!
So hi there! I'm Walker, here with a review so I hope you don't mind!
And might I start off with, great attempt! Its nice to see structured poetry, especially in the case of writing it not based on love and loss to the fullest extent. There is an underlying message within this about a whole different kind of loss so I give you a thumbs up on that!
But what I want to put across, even though this was for class, is that the line by line rhymn scheme is boring. Its very 2D and kind of elementary next to the every other line rhymning patterns. If you want a real challenge, take on the Sestina. Its one thats not easy and will take serious amounts of time if you want to look at poetry in a more structural manner. That or the Italian Sonnet. Either one could help you out.
Now that we have passed the aesthetic note, I would like to touch up on content.
First off, you give the image of a broken soldier. Well... I'm guessing soldier cause you spelt it solider, which means harder, so you might want to back track and fix that one up.
Either way, you want us to think this man is broken, and yet he hasn't left yet. He just joined the army. Signing your name on a paper does not break you. Its watching you buddies die, or having blood on your hands for the first time that breaks you. So maybe, try to make him seem strong but foolish instead. Not broken.
That and I might be biased on the subject cause both my father and brother are in the military xD I didn't cry over it. Its not that upsetting. In fact, the armed forces is a great career choice and one thats honest, so to serve your country is a beautiful thing. I just don't see how the girlfriend could get so... emotional? Seeing as if he just signed it would be months of training before he could ever be sent out anywhere. If he was already in the military, she should of expected it?
On that note, I would like to talk about diction. You give a very simplistic, very boring sort of wording in this piece. Nothing that was really interesting to the eye nor did it roll off the tongue in any manner. Its rather boring and choppy. I understand structure is hard, but what I want you to do is try to strengthen up that vocabulary of yours. Read some Dickens. Use a theasaurus. Really poud out words like vicissitudes and exuberance. Those are the time killers and the ones that will give the poem a stronger, more interesting feel.
So, all in all, love the idea but childish at best. I want to see you start shaping up and growing! That way, your topic will shine like diamonds
~Walker