16+

Two sides of a story 6-10

Warning: This work has been rated 16+.

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Chapter 6

I woke up in a bed. The room was big and there were a lot of curtains in the room. The whole room was white and to the right of me were there a window with a beautiful blue flower. I tried to get up, but something was stuck in my arm. I looked down and a needle was sitting in my arm. The door went up and someone came in, but I couldn’t see who it was because of the curtain. The curtain got pulled aside and Gabriel appeared behind it. He looked at me with worried eyes.

“Are you feeling better?”

“Yes, I’m okay. But where am I?”

“You are in the hospital. I brought you here after I found you blacked out in your bathroom. What the hell happened?! You have bruises all over your body and you have a broken rib. Did someone attack you?! I told you to call me, when something happened. I only happened to come by, because I heard you haven’t been to work yesterday, so I went to your apartment and called an ambulance. You have to take better care of yourself! I was so shocked when I saw you!”

“I’m sorry… I had an appointment and I went to the park. Will, the person I should meet was late and two boys came up and began to drag me away. I yelled and first they hit me in the head and then kicked me in the stomach. I got home and started to throw up till there only was bile left and blacked out.”

“Haaaaah… Please be careful when you go out as Nicole, people will attack you. You look like a model, when you are Nicole, of course people wants to get a hold of you and make you theirs. But I’m just glad that you are okay.”

“Sorry to worry you.”

I looked away and felt like everything was my fault. Was it because Will kissed and touched me that I couldn’t see him again? Was it really me that was in the wrong? But he doesn’t know who I am and will probably not love me as Sara. I got teary and felt Gabriel’s stare in my neck. I felt so little and I just wanted everything to end. I don’t want love or happiness, I will never get it. I just break it went I have it, because I don’t deserve it.

“Sara, I don’t know if I should ask this, but who were you meeting?”

“His name is Will. He goes to my school and I have had a crush on him for some time. Of course I didn’t tell him that I was Sara, but apparently came to like me. After the accident he kissed me and I pushed him away, because he don’t know the real me. I ran home and got sick from running all the way and threw up. You know the rest. But why do you want to know?”

“When the ambulance came and they carried you away, there was a boy and I think he was your age. He was good looking, brown hair, blue eyes and he was a little brown in the skin. But the reason I saw him was because of the look in his face. He looked really scared when he saw you and even asked where the ambulance was going.”

Why was Will there?! Why does he even know where I live or was it just a coincidence that he was where I live? It has to be it, I haven’t told him! Could he have followed me to see where I live and if he did that, then he would have found out that I was Sara!? No, I’m thinking too much about it. He doesn’t know… I just have to take a few days of and get myself together. I can contact the school and work later, when I’m near a phone. I just need to relax and get some sleep. I totally forgot Gabriel was still here and looked at him. He had a worried expression and was looking right at me.

“That was probably him, but I haven’t told him where I live, so I don’t understand what he was doing there… I have already cut the connection we had, so you don’t need to worry about him finding out that I’m Sara from his school. So don’t worry.”

We heard a sound form the door and it sounded like someone was letting go of the doorknob and ran away afterwards. Gabriel and I looked shocked at each other and didn’t know what to do. Gabriel ran to the door to see who it was, but the person was long gone.

“I’m going to the counter by the entrance to ask who it was that asked for you.”

“Good idea. I just hope it wasn’t Will…”

“Yes, that would be really bad. Stay here, I’m coming back soon.”

“Of course it’s not like I can run after you.”

Gabriel sent me a teasing look and went out of the door. What should we do if it was Will?! If it was, then I have to meet him again and talk to him. I just don’t feel like it after what happened… Gabriel came back five minutes later and he got a description on how the person looked that last asked for my room. The description we were given was someone that looked like Will. What should I do?! Did he even hear us? This is bad, really bad!

* * *

After two days could I walk around and sit up in bed. I called the school the day before yesterday and told them I was sick with a fever. Gabriel had sorted out work and told them what happened and that I now was in the hospital, but they shouldn’t worry. Gabriel visited yesterday and gave me “get well” presents from my colleagues at the shop. I haven’t told my mom that I was in the hospital and I have to visit her tomorrow with the money to her hospital bills. I haven’t visited her in a long time and I was looking forward to seeing her.

Chapter 7

It was morning and the birds were singing outside the window. It was a beautiful day and the sky was blue without a cloud. In an hour I was going to visit my mother and she was actually in the same hospital as I. I was on the second floor and she was on the fifth. I sat up and went out to take a walk. There was quiet in the hospital, all the nurses and doctors had only white clothes on and they always talked calmly to you. There were some nurses outside. They were helping the elder people to get some fresh air. I stopped at an open window and looked out.

The breeze blew into my face and I shook my hair in the wind. I heard something being dropped and looked to my right. It was Will and his schoolbag was lying on the ground. I looked at his face and I got a little afraid, I was about to run the other way when he grabbed my arm. I looked him in the eye and it was like he was trying to prove something. I tried to get him to let go of my arm, but he didn’t even move an inch. He was looking right into my eyes and he was staring at all of me.

“You are Nicole right?”

“Why do you have to ask, yes I am and what would you do if I wasn’t?”

“But I overheard you in the hallway. You were saying that you were going to my school, but I’ve never seen you before. I think I would have noticed if you went to my school…”

I froze and I could see Will also noticed it and there he had his answer. I went to his school, but he didn’t know who I was and I wouldn’t tell him.

“There is a reason that you haven’t seen me in school, do you think I would come like this?!”

“You remind me of a girl in school I saw in the hallway when the others were in class. She was standing in front of the window and shaking her hair in the wind by a window. She was so beautiful, but when she saw me, she ran away. I thought about whom she was, but I couldn’t see her at school and then she reminded me of you… You are that girl right?”

I stood frozen and didn’t even know what to say. I just stood there, looking down into the floor. Will let go of my arm and took my hand instead, he caressed my hand like I was precious. I looked at him and he placed his hand behind my head. I didn’t know what he was going to do until he kissed me. He touched my hair with his fingers and his hand went through my hair while kissing me. He tightened his grip on my hand and put his tongue inside my mouth. Our tongues touched each other and he began circling inside my mouth like last time. My mind went blank and my knees lost its strength. I was about to fall down when Will quickly grabbed me, so I wouldn’t fall.

He was a little surprised, but smiled satisfied. I was getting excited and wanted him more than ever. I didn’t even care anymore. I grabbed his shirt and pulled him down with me. We were sitting on the floor looking each other in the eyes. I pulled his head closer and gave him a deep kiss. We went back to my room and lucky for us was it a single room. I pushed Will and he fell down onto the bed. He sat up and pulled me down with him. I sat on top of him and kissed him even more. He began taking of my clothes and touching me everywhere. He lifted me and put me down on the bed. He climbed on top of me and began to unbutton my shirt and licking me everywhere.

“Ah… ah… ah… Ahhh”

I couldn’t hold my voice back as he went further and further down. He took his hand into my pants and began fingering me. What was he doing? It felt so good. I have never felt anything like this before. He took off my pants and what was he doing?! He began licking me down there?!

“AH! Will, what…. Ah…. Are you… doing?! Such… a thing… Stop… Ah! Hah, hah, hah…”

I reached my first orgasm and I was so embarrassed. Will looked at me and I covered my face with my hands. It felt so good and it was like a dream that Will was doing this to me.

“Don’t hide your face, I want to see.”

“No, it’s so embarrassing and I don’t want to show you. This was my first time.”

Will looked at me with surprise.

“What? This is your first time? To get an orgasm, someone licking you or have you done all this, but is still a virgin?”

“Everything with you is my first…”

I felt so embarrassed and got teary. I looked at Will and he was red in his whole face. I could see he was embarrassed too and didn’t know what to say.

“Will-“

I stopped, because I could hear footsteps in the hallway. I looked at Will with a scared look and he understood that if someone knew about the two of us, then it wouldn’t be good. I sat up and began to take my clothes on again. The door was pulled open and Will threw himself under the bed, so that nobody could see him for the cover. I didn’t get to take my pants on, but just took the duvet and cowered myself. It was just in time, when Gabriel came and pulled the curtain to the side. He smiled to me and sat down on the chair beside my bed.

“Hey Sara, how are you today?”

“I’m fine, thank you.”

“It’s good that you are feeling better. Is something wrong? I thought you would first be here tomorrow, even though it’s nice of you to visit me almost every day.”

“I had some free time, so I decided to visit you and see if you were doing okay. Oh yes, I talked to your doctor in the hallway and he said you could go home the day after tomorrow, but you should rest a few days at home before going to work.”

“That sounds good. How is it going at work?”

“It’s busy, when the number one hostess isn’t there, but the others are doing fine. I should actually say “hello” and they hope that you get better soon.”

“That’s good to hear.”

“But…”

“What? Is there something wrong?”

“We still haven’t sorted the case out with Will. Did he come again after that first time?”

Gabriel saw that I was shocked by hearing his question. I didn’t want to lie to him, but I didn’t have another choice.

“No, I haven’t seen him. If he had been here then it wasn’t to visit me.”

I answered him directly and calm. He looked suspicious at me for some time, but then looked away again. Like he could see that I wasn’t lying or was it that he could see that I was lying to him, but didn’t do anything about it?

“Okay, but we still have to talk to him and see if he overheard us or not. If this comes out, then you have to quit your job as a hostess and if the school finds out, you could even get expelled. If something like that happens, then you can’t even pay your own mom’s hospital bills.”

“I know. I will be careful and not let him know a thing and if he does, then I will find a way to shut him up, so it doesn’t come out.”

I know Gabriel wanted what was best for me and that he wasn’t threatening me or anything. He was just giving me a warning to not do anything stupid. Gabriel began looking around in the room and saw my pants lying on the floor.

“By the way, why are you pants lying all over there on the floor?”

HOLY SHIT!!!! This isn’t good!

“It was warm, so I took them off.”

“But why are they lying on the floor when the chair is right beside your bed?”

FUCK!!!!

“Because, I kicked them off with my legs and they landed over there on the floor.”

“But wouldn’t that hurt, when you rib is broken?”

OMFG!!!!

“It did a little, but it would have hurt more to lean forward and take them off with my hands.”

“But why didn’t you just stand up?”

KEEP A STRAIGHT FACE!!!!

“It was because, I was too lazy.”

“But if it is hot, then why are you lying with your duvet? Wouldn’t it be better to take it off?”

RELAX!!!!

“But it switches from cold to warm, because of the breeze from the window.”

“Okay, I’m just asking. I just thought it was a little weird that is all.”

“I know I’m a little strange that way.”

I gave him a smile and GOD that was close!! I was about to die there. Gabriel smiled back with his beautiful face, it was like he was glowing and that wasn’t a good sign. He was on to something!!

“I remember that you said you would visit your mother today, how was she?”

WTF?! He’s going to keep at it!!

“She was good and very happy to see me.”

“That is good to hear. Say “hello” to her from me the next time, okay?”

“I will.”

We sat a little and Will had been under the bed for an hour already. I had to do something! Visiting hours where done in an hour, but I didn’t like that Will was lying under the bed for that long. I had to do something.

“I’m getting tired. Is it okay that you go home now? I want to sleep a little.”

“It’s fine, I have to visit “the blue rose” anyway. Take care then I will see you another time.”

“Okay, thank you for visiting me and say “hello” to the others for me.”

“I will. Bye”

Gabriel went out of the room, but we waited a little to make sure that he was gone and then Will came out from under the bed. He had dust all over and I stood up and took my pants up from the floor. What would happen if Gabriel found out about me and Will? I didn’t even want to think about it. I turned around and looked at Will.

“Sorry about all the mean things I said about you, but if I didn’t he wouldn’t believe me.”

“It’s okay. Can you do I a favor and tell me everything about yourself? And who was that prince-like guy?”

“It’s better to wait till I get home the day after tomorrow and I can show you instead. That guy was the one who made me into a hostess in the first place and he has helped me a lot. He didn’t mean anything threatening by his words. He is just concerned about me.”

“Okay, today it’s Sunday. I will be over at your place Tuesday, is that alright with you?”

“Yes, it’s fine. Then we can talk there.”

“I better go home now. See you.”

He kissed me gently on the lips and caressed my cheek. He was about to go, when he stopped in the middle of the floor and turned around. He looked like he wanted to say something, but just couldn’t get it out.

“What’s wrong Will?”

“It’s just that… I…”

“Are you okay? Did something happen?”

“About the last time we were together…”

Oh, he probably wants me to apologize for lying.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have lied to you. I know it was wrong, but we just such a good time together and I didn’t want to end it… I-“

“Why are you apologizing?! I was the one who hit you and I didn’t mean to. I feel so bad about it and you start to apologize. That just makes me feel even guiltier for hitting the girl that I love!”

What did he just say?! The girl that he love?!

“…The girl that you love…”

“Will realized what he had just said and blushed. His whole face was bright red and you could see from a far that he was embarrassed.

“Yes, that’s right! I love you! Do you have a problem with that?!”

I was so shocked and happy on the same time. My tears wouldn’t stop coming. Will looked up, because he didn’t get an answer and saw me standing there crying my heart out.

“Sara?! What happened? Did I say something wrong?”

“No. No, you didn’t. I’m just so happy right now that I can’t describe it.”

He smiled at me and embraced me. I cried my heart of in the arms of the person I love. Now that we love each other, nobody can come between us! I stopped crying and looked at Will. He bowed his head and kissed me even gentler that before and I feel in love once again.

Chapter 8

It was Tuesday and I could finally go home. Gabriel was going to pick me up and drive me home even though I told him that it wasn’t necessary, but he insisted. I got my things and left the hospital. Gabriel was waiting by his silver car while smoking. He put out the smoke, when he saw me coming and took my bag. He opened the door for me and when I was in the car, he closed the door for me and he put my things on the back seat. We arrived at my apartment and I stood out of the car.

“Thank you for taking me home and I’m sorry for the trouble. I will be back on the job on Friday after I have relaxed a little and gotten used to my school life again.”

“You are welcome, it wasn’t a big deal. Just take your time to get used to school again and I will see you again one of these days.”

“Yes, thank you again.”

I walked up to my apartment and in front of it, was Will standing and waiting. He was supposed to be in school at this time, but he must have skipped out on it. When he saw me, he smiled. I smiled again and walk towards him.

“Hey Will. Aren’t you early? I was hoping I could clean up a little after I haven’t been home for almost two weeks.”

“Hey Sara. It’s fine. I can take it, I’m not picky.”

He gave me a kiss and I opened the door. There actually wasn’t dusty, but it could use some cleaning. I invited Will in, took my shoes off and went inside. I don’t know how he will react to my schoolgirl appearance, but I promised to show him the two sides of my life’s story.

“Sit down at the table and I will go change. Just promise me that you won’t freak out!”

I went into my bedroom and began changing into my school uniform. I took my glasses on and made a pony tail after taking off the wig. I looked into the mirror before going out and hoped that he wasn’t going to change after seeing me. What will happen if he doesn’t like me anymore? I became uneasy and hesitated, but Will wasn’t like that.

“Okay, I’m coming out. Just…”

“I know. I wouldn’t be that shocked.”

I stepped out and Will looked really shocked. I understand why of course, even I couldn’t even recognize myself. He didn’t say a word and he was just staring at me with his mouth open. He looked down and closed his mouth. I could hear he swallowed loudly and I knew what had happened. He didn’t like me anymore… I turned around and was about to walk into the bedroom again with teary eyes, but I stopped halfway.

“I know… you don’t like me anymore, because I look like this. Just hurry up and get out and leave me alone…”

Will looked up, but looked down again. He stood up and clenched his hands.

“Don’t decide for me! I was just shocked that you are the girl by the window and the girl that ran into me. I’m mad at myself, because I didn’t recognize you. My feelings haven’t changed, I still love you.”

I just stood there and didn’t do anything. I got so happy and didn’t know where to place myself… Will still liked me… now I could actually die happy. Will walked towards me and took his arms around me. I put my hand on his and turned around. We embraced each other and just stood like that for some time. After some time, Will took his hand up to my face and I looked up. Our lips touched and it was warm and sweet. I looked at Will and he was smiling.

“I don’t care how you look and I hope you feel the same. I will love you of all my heart and never let you go.”

“Me too.”

I leaned my head against his chest and tightened my embrace around Will. It was like he would disappear any minute or that this was a dream.

“I love you Will”

I looked at him and he was blushing. I took my hand to the back of his head and pulled his head down. Our lips joined again and Will put his tongue in. it felt so good that I couldn’t stand up anymore. Will caught me and I grabbed his shirt. My heart was beating so fast and I was getting excited by just a kiss. I really have a long way to go…

“Be careful, what if I haven’t caught you? It really turns me on when you can’t stand, because of my kiss.”

“Hah, hah, hah… it’s all your… fault, hah, hah”

“I know, but it still turns me on”

“WOAW! What are you doing Will?!”

“I’m carrying you into the bedroom, don’t want to?”

“Just put me down…”

Will carried me into the bedroom and put me down on the bed. He got on top of me and began to undress me. I couldn’t resist, because I wanted him too.

“Will… wait”

“No, I won’t. We were interrupted last time and didn’t go all the way, but I’m not letting you go that easily.”

Will smirked and I could see how lustful his eyes were. What am I going to do?! I’m not prepared for this… Will wants to have… sex with me. It really is like a dream and I was just going to go with the flow.

“Ah.”

Will went down on me and began licking me everywhere. It felt even better than last time and I couldn’t hold my voice back.

“AH! Ah, ah. Will… AH!”

My second orgasm was the best. I was so exhausted. Will looked at me and I turned my head. He took his fingers and put them inside me. What was this feeling?! I grabbed the bed and Will looked a little surprised at me.

“Feels good doesn’t it.”

“Will… what are… you doing? What… Ah! Is this… hah… AH!... feeling?!”

“So you have never done this to yourself before? I’m relieved. Then you can feel more of me.”

He added another finger and the pleasure got even more intens. A little pain as well, but I didn’t even notice. Will kept on going till he had four fingers in and then pulled them out. When he did that I fell down and was lying almost lifeless on the bed, panting.

“Hah, hah, hah”

“Oi, are you okay.”

I turned my head and looked at will. He blushed and began panting.

“I’m sorry. I can’t wait anymore”

“What? What are you- AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!”

Will trusted into me and there was a strong pain. I got teary and Will kept panting. He didn’t move, but was waiting for the pain to go away. I grabbed the bed and I almost couldn’t take the pain. I closed my eyes and tears ran down my face. Will noticed and got a little scared.

“Sara?! Are you okay? I will pull out now.”

“IT HURTS! Just stop moving for a little while and then you can keep on going.”

“Wait, if it hurts so much, then it’s better to pull out…”

It looked like Will was going to panic and I grabbed his arm and gave him a kiss. He looked at me like everything was his fault and he felt bad, because he didn’t want to hurt me.

“Don’t pull out, I wanted this too. Start moving a little, but not so fast.”

Will did as I said and started moving.

“AH! Ah… ah.”

It still hurt a lot, but Will went faster and faster. The pain was still there and it didn’t feel good at all. Will looked like he was feeling good and was sweating a lot. I didn’t care about the pain. If Will was feeling good, then I was satisfied.

“AHHHHHH!”

What happened?! It felt so good and the pain turned into pleasure. My grab on Will’s arm tightened and Will looked satisfied.

“I hit the spot didn’t I? It feels good doesn’t it, right here.”

Will trusted in again.

“AHH!! Ah, ah, ah!”

“Does it feel good? You have to tell me or should I just keep going?”

Will was not like himself and it was like he turned into a wild beast. He hit the spot again and I climaxed. I don’t remember what happened after that. I blacked out, because of the pleasure.

Chapter 9

When I woke up, I was in my bed. I looked around and saw that Will wasn’t there. Maybe he was disappointed and just went home? I tried so sit up, but a strong pain came from my abdomen.

“Ouch, it HURTS!”

I heard the door open and Will came running into the room. He looked scared and panicked at me. In his hand was a bag and he was sweating a lot. He dropped the bag on the floor and walked towards me.

“Are you okay?!”

“I’m fine, It just hurts a lot.”

“I’m sorry. It was your first time and I wasn’t nice to you, just putting it in like that.”

“It’s fine. Like I said yesterday, I wanted it too. It’s not your fault, but our fault.”

I kissed him gently on the mouth and embraced him in my arms. I’m just so happy right now. I hope we can stay like this forever, but I know that is just a selfish wish of mine. One day I have to let him go, but I’m gonna enjoy the time we have together now and not take it for granted. I let go of Will and he went to get the bag again.

“I was going to make something to eat, are you hungry?”

“Yes, but do you know how to cook or should I cook for you?”

“I can cook… rice.”

“Hahahahahaha!!! I will be right there.”

I tried to get out of bed, but it wasn’t easy. It was painful even when I stood up. Will walked towards me and took my arm.

“Stay in bed, I will order something to eat. Just don’t move around, it hurts me seeing you in pain.”

“Relax Will, it’s not like I will die from this…”

I went to the end of bed and tried to stand up. I got up on my feet, but was staggering. I was about to fall and Will was ready to run and help me. I held a hand out in front of him, like I didn’t want him to help me. I grabbed the wood on the bed and leaned up against it. I stood up again and leaned against the wall for support. I tripped over the end of a carpet and Will caught me in his arms.

“Watch out. It hurts doesn’t it? I will carry you.”

Will bowed down and lifted me up gently. It was like I got a shock through my body and grabbed Will’s shirt. I began trembling and I grabbed Will’s shirt harder this time. Will looked at me and sighed. He walked to the door and carried me into the kitchen. He put me down at the kitchen table, so I could lean up against it without falling. He went into the bedroom again and had a pillow in his hand. He took a chair and put it right beside me while putting the pillow on the chair.

“Sit down. It shouldn’t hurt as much if you sit on the pillow, but when you are done, you go to bed again. What would happen if you got a cold?”

“Okay, but if I got a cold, will you nurse me back to health?”

I smirked and gave him a kiss. I took the frying pan and began. Will was still standing beside me, watching me as I stood and made dinner for him.

“Of course I would nurse you back to heath if you got sick.”

I turned around and looked at him. I was actually a little surprised, but also really happy. Will was half sitting on the kitchen table with his hand up to his mouth. I smiled.

“Thank you, I would do the same.”

He looked at me and smiled.

“Then it’s a promise.”

He walked towards me and kissed me gentle on the mouth. It was like all the pain was gone and I was unstoppable.

Chapter 10

It was Wednesday and I was getting ready for school. I was eating breakfast, when the doorbell rang. I took my plate and went to the door. Who could it be at a time like this? I opened the door and saw Will. What was he doing here? He smiled a bright smile.

“Good morning, Sara. I’m here to pick you up.”

“Good morning, Will. What are you doing here?”

“Like I said, I’m here to pick you up.”

“Okay, come in. I’m done in a minute.”

“Okay, sorry for intruding.”

I went inside to get my schoolbag and took my lunch from the refrigerator.

“I’m ready, should we go?”

“Wait, I need one thing first.”

“What is that?”

He grabbed my arm and pulled me to him. He kissed me on the lips, gently.

“I was missing my morning kiss.”

He smirked and I blushed. I really need to get used to this. We were walking to school, while holding hands. I looked around to be sure that there wasn’t anyone from school. If they saw us, then it would be bad. How do I say to Will that I want to keep our relationship a secret? Would he get mad? I stopped and looked at Will.

“Will. Øhm, don’t get mad okay? But I want you to keep our relationship to ourselves. It’s not that I want to keep it secret, but if they knew that you were going out with a plain girl from class 1.C. Maybe it would cause trouble between your female friends…”

I looked into the ground and hoped that he wasn’t angry.

“I won’t say a thing that was also the reason I came to pick you up. It would be bad if they began to pick on you because of me… I didn’t know how to say it, but I’m glad we agree.”

I was relieved and when we came to school we acted like we didn’t know each other, but now and then we could take a glance at each other, so that we knew that we weren’t alone. After school we waited for each other where there weren’t anyone around and went home hand in hand.

Every day we went to school and home together. Will got a good morning and good night kiss every day. I waited for him to come every morning and looked forward to go to school with him. Two weeks have gone by like that and we haven’t been discovered. I also started working again and everyone was glad to see that I was okay. I haven’t seen Gabriel since then and that is probably better, I don’t think Will would like him very much. I don’t know why, he hasn’t even met him properly anyway…

Today was Friday and I was about to go to work, when someone knocked on my door. I went to the door. Who could it be at this hour? Gabriel? I knew it wasn’t Will, because he told me he was going to be with his friends today until late.

“Hello? Are you home Sara?”

I froze, who was that? I don’t think I know her. I was in my dress and I hurried silently into my room and took a sweeter and my glasses on. I went to the door and opened. Outside there was a pretty girl standing. Shit! She was one of the girls that follow Will around.

“Hello, who are you?”

“I’m Marinda. I’m from Will’s class and I have something I want to ask you. Can I come in?”

I didn’t have time, but I couldn’t say that. I invited her in and got something to drink.

“I hope apple juice is okay.”

“It’s fine. Thank you.”

“What did you want to ask me?”

“I want to know why you are together with Will.”

Shit! Does she know?

“I don’t know what you are talking about.”

“Hmm… One day I saw the two of you walking together and I wanted to know more, so at the same time the next day I saw the two of you walking together again. You can’t play dumb now, what were you doing together?”

“Okay. The truth is that Will was so sweet to help me carry my books home.”

“Why would Will do that?”

“Because at school he bumped into me and spilled something on my shirt. So the first day, he was carrying my stuff so that it wouldn’t get dirty.”

“What about the day after that?”

“He was with me to the drycleaner to pay for the wash, even though I refused.”

She looked at me like she didn’t believe me.

“Okay I believe you. I will ask Will tomorrow and see if it’s true or not and if it isn’t then you are getting on my hate list and you don’t want to get over there. If you will excuse me, I will go home. Good night.”

“Good night.”

I looked at the clock and took of my glasses and sweeter. I took on my wig and went outside, even if Marinda saw me like this, she wouldn’t recognize me. On my way to work I called Will, but he didn’t pick up. I was looking at the phone and bumped into someone.

“I’m really sorry. I wasn’t looking where I was going.”

I looked up and saw it was a young man and he looked like he was in the mafia. I bowed and apologized again. I began walking, but I didn’t get far. The man grabbed my arm and I was pulled backwards. I struggled to get my arm free, but he was too strong.

“Let me go!”

“Relax. I just want you to apologize to me.”

“I already did, now let me go!”

I struggled to get my arm free, but he didn’t move an inch. He was strong and confident. He smirked and had a glimpse in his eyes that I didn’t like. He looked scary, but not just that. He looked like, if I didn’t behave, he would rape me on the spot. I got scared and looked at the people around me, but they didn’t care or maybe they were just scared.

“You are a fierce one. I like the fierce ones the best.”

Oh shit! He wasn’t going to let me go, but take me with them! Should I scream and hope that someone would help me? No, I can’t do that, it would be the same like last time and Will isn’t going to meet me here. Dammit! I’m going to be late at “the blue rose”! I have to do something! It would be bad if they found out I was a hostess.

“Hey Nick, I think I have seen her before…”

Oh no! I looked down and hoped they didn’t go further with it. What if they do something to the shop? I kept staring down at the ground. Nick was about to grab my face, so they could take a better look at my face. I closed my eyes and hoped someone would stop them in time. If I began to struggle, then they would suspect something. As Nick’s hand was about to touch my face, I held my breath and prayed to god.

“Hey guys, what are you doing?”

I looked up and saw a boy my age holding Nick’s arm and Nick wasn’t happy about that. He boy looked like someone I knew, but I didn’t think about it further. I shouldn’t take this chance for granted. I grabbed the arm that was holding me and bit Nick until he let go.

“You bitch!!!!”

He rushed me off and I was about to fall on the ground. I saw a fast movement from the boy that was helping me and he caught me in the air.

“Ouch. Oh sorry, thank you from helping me.”

I smiled at him and he smiled back. He was really beautiful. He could almost compete with Will… he looked at Nick and the other person that had grabbed me on the street. He held me close into him and it could feel his body heat and his heart beating. He had a fit body like Will and they were almost the same height.

“Haven’t your mother told you that you have to be nice to girls, or they won’t like you?”

Nick looked pissed and clenched his hand.

“Shut up, you brat!”

People around us began looking and forming a circle, to see what was going on. Of course they didn’t help, just stood there and watched like idiots!

Nick ran towards us and was ready to hit the beautiful guy that was holding me. He was about to hit him in the face, the hit landed and nothing happened. The guy was still holding me with one arm while with the other, he was blocking Nick’s hit. I looked fascinated at him and he looked down at me.

“Are you okay?”

I blushed.

“Yes, I’m fine. Thank you very much.”

Nick was struggling to get his hand free, but he wasn’t strong enough. I pulled away from the guy and stood up. I looked at Nick and smirked. Nick looked at me, but he wasn’t as confident as before. I really wanted to teach him a lesson. After the guy grabbed Nick’s hit he had fallen down on one of his knees. He should really know that he shouldn’t have messed with me!

“Stand up.”

Nick looked at me and the beautiful guy looked a little confused. But he got on his feet and look at me, like I couldn’t do anything to him.

“Relax, I’m just gonna get back from what you did to me. You should be nicer, when you run into a person.”

I lifted my leg and kicked him in the jewels. He fell to the ground and rolled around. The beautiful guy looked at me with surprise, but it turned into a smile.

“Nice kick.”

“Thank you very much.”

I looked at the clock and I was half an hour late to work.

“Oh no, I’m so late!”

I started running. They are going to be so angry with me! I heard the beautiful guy yelling at me, I turned around and saw he was running after me.

“I’m sorry. I have to go. I’m late for work, because of those idiots.”

“Wait, tell me your name.”

“I’m Sara, I have to go. Maybe we’re going to run into each other again someday.”

“Wait!”

I turned around and ran. I ran though the street and stopped, when I was near the store, to get my breath. I fixed my clothes and walked the last distance to the stop. I went around “the blue rose” and walked in the back door. I changed fast and meet the others.

“Nicole? Where have you been?! You know this can’t go on.”

“I know. I’m sorry.”

I bowed and looked down.

I sighed.

“Okay, it doesn’t matter. Hurry up and go to work.”

“Okay. Thank you.”

I went to the bar and saw Gabriel. I didn’t have the nerve to look at him and he seemed really mad. He grabbed my arm and held it up.

“What is this?”

What? I looked at my hand and there was a big bruise. I looked at it, when did this happen? You could see the fingers on my arm, like someone had painted on me. Could it have been when Nick grabbed my arm? Gabriel looked worried.

“Nothing happened. You don’t have to worry.”

“Nothing happened this time, but what about next time?”

“There isn’t gonna be a next time.”

Gabriel slapped his hands down on the table of the bar and everyone in the shop looked at us. No one was saying anything, just looking at me and Gabriel.

“We will talk about this later, Gabriel! I’m going to change.”

I walked past him and went to the dressing room. I changed and began to entertain the customers. Before going out of the dressing room I made sure that you couldn’t see the bruise on my hand.

It was getting late and all the customers had gone home. I knew that I couldn’t be free from talking to Gabriel, even if I was really tired. I walked out from the dressing room and into the bar. Gabriel was sitting in the corner, smoking and staring out of the window. I walked to the table and sat down. Gabriel looked at me like he first had noticed me, when I had sat down. He looked at me in a weird way. What was wrong with him? He put out his cigarette and leaned over the table. He grabbed my chin and pulled me closer. We were only a few centimeters from each other and I looked into his beautiful eyes. They looked sad, but what was he sad about?

“Sara, do you know what you are to me?”

I looked at him a little shocked, but thought careful about his question before answering.

“You are like a big brother to me, but I don’t know what I am to you.”

His face became bright and he smiled. The sadness in his eyes had disappeared and he took both hands up to each side of my face and kissed me gentle on the forehead.

“You are like a little sister to me and I love you very much! That’s why I don’t like seeing you get hurt and I maybe haven’t expressed myself in the right way. When I found you in your bathroom, I thought I would die! I panicked and I was so scared that I would lose you. Just promise me that you are going to be careful, when you are Nicole…”

“I promise.”

I sat on the table and embraced him. He put his arms around me and put his head on my lap. While he lied there I caressed his hair and he relaxed. He had a beautiful face and really long eyelashes. His breathing became deeper and deeper and he fell asleep.

Comments & reviews · 4
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Knight Dragon, here to review!

Okay, you've heard this a few times already, but I'll repeat it: this needs to be broken up. At least you have chapter heads, which is good. It means that I can have a good reference point, and a way to let you know exactly where I stopped. So I'm going to review the 6th chapter. But I'm pretty sure (speaking from experience) that the things I point out in that chapter can be found in the others.

Now, on to the review.
Technical:

"The room was big and there were a lot of curtains in the room."

I would recommend either breaking this up into two sentences, or adding a comma after the "big". Otherwise the sentence has a bit of mental whiplash because, at first, we're focusing on the size of the room. Then suddenly, we're talking about the curtains. I just got a bit of head-jerk on that sentence.

"The whole room was white and to the right of me were there a window with a beautiful blue flower."

Again, you should probably put a comma, this time after "white". And what did you mean by "to the right of me were there a window"? That's a bit awkward to read, and doesn't make any sense.

Dialogue. You need name tags on who said what. If you don't, then it can be hard to tell who's speaking, and when that happens, you'll lose the reader. It's especially difficult to have to go back and count all the speaker changes to figure out who's speaking.

"I told you to call me, when something happened. I only happened to come by, because I heard you haven’t been to work yesterday"

This is an example of a time when commas aren't necessary (or helpful). These broke up the reading flow where it needed to flow. I would recommend tossing them.

"Will, the person I should meet was late and two boys came up and began to drag me away."

This is a little awkward to read. It could be better written as "Will, the person I was going to me, was late, and..." The commas definitely help the reading flow too.

"Sara, I don’t know if I should ask this, but who were you meeting?

Okay, so it's not too hard to tell who's speaking right here, but honestly, the question doesn't make sense. Sara had just finished saying who she'd gone to meet, and now Gabriel's asking who she met? That doesn't make much sense.

"He goes to my school and I have had a crush on him for some time."

Wait, so she's concerned she shouldn't tell him about Will, yet she's spilling her guts instantly? I would recommend at least some hesitation, or show some of her internal struggle.

"Of course I didn’t tell him that I was Sara, but apparently came to like me."

"but apparently" what? I think you're missing a "he" or something here.

"After the accident he kissed me and I pushed him away, because he don’t know the real me. I ran home and got sick from running all the way and threw up. You know the rest."

This just feels like a bunch of exposition. This doesn't feel real. Try reading it out loud a few times to see what needs to be changed to give your character some more realism.

"Gabriel and I looked shocked at each other and didn’t know what to do. Gabriel ran to the door to see who it was, but the person was long gone."

The wording on "Gabriel and I looked shocked" reads pretty awkwardly. And then with "Gabriel ran to the door," it was pretty obvious from the way you described the scene that the eavesdropper had taken off and disappeared at this point. I can understand why Gabriel ran to the door, but at first reading it just felt unnecessary. Maybe that was just me, though.

At this point, you have plenty to go off of. I hop this helps you improve your story!

User avatar
Lava
Review
Lava wrote a review · Sun Dec 29, 2013 7:19 pm

Hello!

So, on YWS< people tend to review shorter pieces. I'd suggest splitting it up as others have also mentioned.

As for my review itself, it's mostly based on reading chapter 6. Sorry, but, it's a bit too long.

Anyways.

I like scenes that begin with the MC in a hospital. It's intriguing. But how you've started here makes it a bit boring. Curtains. Ok. Needles. Ok. Try to portray what's going on in the MC's head as wakes up. It's going to be fuzzy, a trying to remember, pain etc. Physical description should take a lower stance here.

Dialogue tags. The he said, she said stuff are important. It gives the reader a frame to realize who/when of the dialogue. Two small words, can really help.

As for the dialogue itself, it seemed a bit forced. Try to make it more natural. For example, when someone comes to visit another someone at the hospital, first questions are going to be of a very concerning nature. The details of why they're in there may not be the best tactic for a sick person. It's like make sure they're comfortable, find out about pain, what do they remember etc.

Also, while scrolling, I noticed "WTF"in the dialogue somewhere. It would be more natural for someone to actually curse rather than use acronyms which is more akin to typing.

Cheers,
Lava

Thank you for your reply, I'm really gratefull! ;D

User avatar
Caesar
Comment

I recommend splitting this up into a post per chapter, nobody will review it otherwise. That, or wait for some madman to review it on the upcoming review day.

User avatar
Liaya
Review
Liaya wrote a review · Fri Sep 06, 2013 3:21 am

I'm going to be honest; I stopped reading when the scene with Will came up. I'm sorry, but I'm not interested in that. (Each to their own; you go ahead and write how you want.) I do have a couple of suggestions that might be useful, though.

If there's anything I've noticed about this website, it's that people don't tend to like really long reads. If you really want feedback, I'd suggest posting each chapter separately. They're about the right length by themselves. Your writing style was well done and fluent and so good job with that! I'm sorry this wasn't my kind of story, but you seem like a very good writer, so keep up the good work.



I just write poetry to throw my mean callous heartless exterior into sharp relief. I’m going to throw you off the ship anyway.
— Vogon Captain (The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy)