Scalders Promo

Hey @Tambo - a late welcome to YWS, hope you're enjoying the site! Are you still working on this story? I'm curious where this is going to go as it looks like this is just a teaser for a much longer work if I'm understanding right.

A few comments:

I like the immediate placement of the reader into the action - you don't waste any time but throw us into dialogue that makes me as a reader hooked and curious where we are going next.

Two male cartographers step off a giant dark oak ship, onto a small, tropical island. They all head off and look for a good spot to fish. They find a great spot, some rocks near the bright blue ocean.

Small critique -> "they all" to me, implies more than the "two male cartographers" if you just meant those two, I'd just say "they" rather than "they all". Also a great writing technique to help with flow is to vary your sentence beginnings typically, unless you are using repetition to build drama or parallelism. For instance, it's a good idea to not have a paragraph like this:

"He ate hotdogs. He sat down. He then stood up quickly. He walked to the door. He did a dance." ...

It'd feel a bit more sophisticated / flow better to vary those sentence beginnings like this... "George ate some hotdogs while sitting down. But then, feeling full, he decided to stand up. There was a noise at the door, so he turned towards it and answered it. No one was there, and fear clutched at his heart. George danced to try to scare the ghosts away."

I notice in a few times you repeat "The.." "The..." "The..." and in another place, it's "They... " ... "They..."... "They"... I'd try to vary those a bit I think!

They looked up at the beautiful stars in the sky as a nice breeze of wind blew in the their faces. Suddenly holes started to form all around the island, creatures started to crawl out.

^ I'm loving the contrast of the serene peaceful and beautiful scene to the creepy monsters appearing out of nowhere. Good horror isn't just 100% horror all the time, it comes in waves of contrast, of light moments and then *BOOM* something scary. That way the fear builds for the readers and comes as more of a surprise. Contrasting moments of emotion are really good in horror I think.

Suddenly holes started to form all around the island, creatures started to crawl out. The inside out blood covered creature grabbed one of the cartographers leg.

Here's a moment I'd love a little more information about the men's reactions and thoughts and emotions...

The creature then slowly put its right claw and the man’s shoulder, then putting its left claw around the man’s waist.

I think you mean "on the man's shoulder" ... but which man?

“I didn’t finish the map, my boss is going to kill me!”

Strange last thought! Not clear which man this is either? I would almost suggest focusing in on one cartographer's thoughts / reactions and telling this scene from his point of view so the reader doesn't have to split focus. I would also see if you can differentiate the two men in some way.. is one tall? old? young? one an apprentice? friends? co-workers? do they have names? Right now they're both pretty generic!

The creature then slowly ripped the man apart as his organs fell out of his body. The other man ran back to the ship and escaped. Only one man came back to tell the story.

Physically, it would take a lot for someone to have their organs "fall out" of their body because they are usually all connected together. They're not like teeth that can get easily pulled out... Having a hard time imagining that scene.

That was just the backstory! This story is about a poor, 18 year old boy named Scalders in the 18th century who gets framed for murder, he then has to solve the murder that leads him to a suspicious island!

What a fantastic premise - sounds like you've got a lot to work with - I think you've got a great concept for a story, and hope you keep up with it if it still interests you and see where it goes! This little snippet you posted piqued my interest!

Happy writing!

alliyah

Hey Tambo!! Ellie here to read and review this short promo you shared! Let's get right into the review (also I haven't seen you in a bit so I hope you are doing really well!!)

“Is it safe?”

“Not sure,”

We start with a great hook sentence, it seems like a conversation between two people, unsure of their own safety. Right away, this makes me wonder a lot. Why are they unsafe? Where are they? How did they get here? And who are they?

We learn that they are two male cartographers getting off their ship arriving at a tropical island. and it seems like they are here to fish! WHOA! It takes a big turn. Big holes begin to appear on this island and these horrific creatures which are inside out crawl out of the holes! Right before he is killed, the man says:

“I didn’t finish the map, my boss is going to kill me!”

This part confused me a bit. If a giant creature was about to kill me, I wouldn't be thinking about maps. I would be screaming for help and thinking "IM GONNA DIE!!!"

And we see that there is only one survivor:

The creature then slowly ripped the man apart as his organs fell out of his body. The other man ran back to the ship and escaped. Only one man came back to tell the story.

Wow!! So all of this was actually in the past. It was the backstory. Ooh, so our story follows Scalders and is set in the 18th century. And it seems like he will end up on this island... solving a murder. Perhaps the murder of the men who died on the island or is it someone else? Overall, I love this plot. There is a lot of mystery. What is this creature and what is on this island. Is the creature protecting something or someone? Hmm, so many questions. This plot is super duper cool and I am excited to read it once you post it! Please tag me

Your friend,
Ellie