Published April 22, 2011
I'll never forget the happiness
It would hurt too much
Kind of how it hurts to know you gave me false love
But each day I'll go on living
I'll live just the same as always
Maybe someday I'll stop crying
Just not now
It's not the right time
Instead I'll just smile
And pretend it doesn't hurt.
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141,611 Literary Works • 675,149 Reviews
Hi there Tamara...again. Lavvi back to review one of your poems.
Anyway, here it goes.
So, more punctuation. I know, I know. But it's really needed. Keeps the fluidity...yes, you know this
Also, there isn't much imagery in this. I'd like to definitely see more. It just feels like lines written down in poetry format.
Yours,
Lavvi
I like this and it is soo true!!!
Welcome to YWS!
First I will address the enjambment that is running amok in your poem. If you don't know, enjambment is when you continue your sentences without pause into the next line. Your only pause is the period at the very end. That gives the poem zero emphasis, as the whole thing is a breathless run-on sentence. Try pausing here and there to mark the end of a certain idea or sentence. The use of periods, commas, colons, etc. isn't always a grammar deal! They are tools used in poetry to create special effects.
Example:
You don't have any spelling mistakes.
My final comment: don't tell, SHOW! This isn't a real rule, nor is it the end all be all advice. But for new writers it is an extremely helpful reminder. Your poem currently describes absolutely nothing. Use more adjectives besides the title. That's part of what makes it poetry. What does false love really feel like? Sure, it "hurts" but we all know that! Express your feelings POETICALLY, in a way that can't be expressed normally. I've read a lot of poetry on this site though, and you're not the only one. Hopefully you find this helpful, encouraging, challenging, etc. and not mean-spirited.
for a better view, i think "But not now". Just won't add much with now in the sentence.
kind has no construction here, didn't add much too. and this sentence stuck with last one...
very good, keep up your work...
I really liked this poem, but I have no real advice for you on the poem. The poem made since and I cannot find anything wrong with it. I see you are new to YWS, so welcome.
In the subject of this web site,I do have some advice,you should not take a person's review to heart. They just want to help you improve yourself(well the ones that know what they are doing). There are few mean people on this site I'm proud to announce. That is all, CARDDRAGON.