Published March 10, 2009
What is a day like today, which I feel so much undefined desire for?
The air smells like sunshine--so sweet and warm. I’m drinking up long rays of light, tossed into my lungs and there's static my sinuses.
I crave the smell of chlorine in bright water, with last year’s dead leaves floating on top, so that when I surface from the depths, one may rest on my head like a humorous cap.
The trees tickle the sky’s soft blue underbelly with their new buds like fingertips. It must giggle, sending the clouds dashing from the touch, into the horizon. They cuddle the sun every few minutes, allowing the soft breeze to caress my skin, letting me taste a bit of the future.
Evenings take on another light, with the help of slower sunsets and fireflies. We catch them in jars with air holes in the cap and take them inside, using the fairies like lanterns. They are the excitement that keeps small children’s eyes wide. The humid night, with the stars pressing in, proceeds into late hours. They wake early, when the dew may still moisten their tiny feet and the grass makes the soft flesh itch, and release the bugs, unto the damp morning.
These the days of yesterday, today, tomorrow—three days and many years alike.
What is a day like today, which I feel so much love for, but only for how it was?
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140,783 Literary Works • 673,688 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Ooooh this is some very interesting imagery floating about here. There's something so oddly powerful about just a calm scene in nature that you have here with just a hint of underlying tension lying somewhere. Maybe I'm even imagining with just the style of imagery here, but that tone hints something lurks beneath this imagery that seems so soft. Its certainly an interesting tone you create there, especially because its just very hard to nail down too. At any rate, a solid start to this scene here.
Hmm I like the way this transitions into evening there. There's a lovely flow to it with that tone managing to remain consistent and just as mysterious as earlier in the day happened to be and I am all for it here. I do also love the imagery towards the very end that shifts to a slightly less ominous and more almost wondrous note. It adds an interesting touch to things especially with the sort of questions at the end there which you've chosen to end things on. On the whole it makes for a very interesting read I think.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hey Talking_Pinata! It's been awhile since I've seen your stuff. ^_^
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Aw, this is such a nice sentence. I suggest perhaps considering a "that I feel so much undefined desire for", though this isn't a pressing issue, and I just thought it read slightly more clearly that way,
Static *in* my sinuses. This typo doesn't seem to have been there before, looking at other people's reviews. Did you chance the sentence, and forget that?
Looking back, I see you're talking about the sky, but I don't think the sentence is simple enough for you to say "It" -- make reference to the sky.
Though the previous imagery is delightful, I don't find "cuddle" a very intriguing word in this context -- it sounds more awkward and out of place.
I think you need "are" in there to help it read better: "These are the days of yesterday".
This is a strange sentence, since you're saying you love the present day, but only for how it was? What do you mean by "how it was" when it's just happened? Clarify with a little more description please.
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Prose! Short and sweet, though I can think you can express more of a point at the end with slightly more descriptive language. A short piece though, so I don't have much else to say, except that some of your descriptions were very unique and lovely.
PM me if you have any questions.
~ Clo
Hi! I'm Music.
I really liked the description here! Great job. I could picture it perfectly.
One nit-pick:
Maybe I'm just reading it wrong since I don't think anyone else commented on that, but yep. Haha.
You did have a few run-ons, but with a few corrections and a bit more work, it could be a wonderful piece! I enjoyed it. That counts for something, right? Haha.
Anyway, great job! Keep it up; you have wonderful potential and a way with words, as long as you don't get too wordy. That didn't come out exactly right, but I hope you catch my drift!
Love,
Music.
I still need reviews, I apologize for the single bump.
Thank you for the reviews already! I've edited it some, although I'm still thinking on how I want to say the first sentence, if I'm going to change it.
Thank you!
Hey! This was really nice and well written. My only grammar complaint is that you tend to use long sentences like...
This could be separated into a few separate sentences. Like... I crave the smell of chlorine in bright water with last year's dead leaves floating on top. So when I surface from the depths one may rest on my head like a humorous cap.
Other then a few other run-on sentences this is a very nice piece. Keep it up!
I'm struggling with this opening line. I'm not sure if I like it or not. It's slightly confusing the way it's worded.
What does sunshine smell like?
Kind of odd descriptors here
Wait...the MC is in water? I pictured a nice pretty green meadow
I liked this paragraph. I liked the descriptions you made and the way you wrote it.
This is a really long sentence. My advice would be to break it up at the semi-colon and re-word the second sentence.
Before the semi-colon: the fireflies change into fairies. I realize you probably did this as a descriptor but it could be confusing to the reader.
After the semi-colon: I would just re-word all of this. It doesn't read very well.
It was a good piece. You did a good job of describing but I think you could go further. Make me feel lost in the scene. Make me feel as if I'm there breathing in the air right along with the narrator. You have the potential to be able to do that!
Feel free to PM me if you have any questions or need anything!
-Carly