Hello, here is the comedy project that I'm working on. After taking into account of what the reviews I've gotten said, and a bit of help from Gsppcrocks10, I've hopefully improved it. I personally feel a lot better with this version.
Expect chapters three and four soon.
Chapter One.
She sat on a soft armchair, a serpent-like smirk on her lips. A quick glance around the room revealed that it was poorly furnished. She shrugged and turned her attention back to the television. A man with reddish hair, pale skin, and an overly broad chest entered the room. He seemed to struggle for a minute with his vision. Light poured in from the other room through the doorway. "Shut the door," she hissed. There was a moment of hesitation, then she heard the door slowly click shut. "Miss Meyers, I--" A slightly raised hand stopped his words. "Edward, if you ruin this moment for me I will hurt you." He swallowed hard. There were no other sounds from him. She grabbed a remote off of the arm of the chair. The sound of a small rubber button being pushed was followed by the volume of the television increasing. She let out a relaxed sigh. There was an add for the new Twilight movie coming out to DVD. A chuckle escaped her lips, "these girls will watch anything." It had ended soon after. It was the news channel. The first thing that she saw were two transparent blue bars on the top, and bottom of the screen. The top read, 'NEWS 4', the bottom read, 'VAMPIRES MAKE A PUBLIC APPEARANCE'.
There were massive crowds surrounding a podium. A sign for the city hall could be seen behind a tall woman. She seemed to give off a dominant aura. Beside her was a smaller girl, she didn't give off the same aura. Instead this girl seemed a tad bit nervous. The taller one wore a long black dress, it covered her legs, even her feet. Her arms were bare, and her hands covered by leather gloves that looked rather thin. The girl however was wearing a short, hot pink dress. Tall high heeled boots, long gloves, and long hair, all of which were pink, topped off the outfit quite nicely. A closer inspection revealed both of them had shiny silver fangs sticking out over their lower lips.
"Humans, you crowd," she paused. "I forgive this merely because you do not understand whom exactly I am." There were a series of whispers, they were hushed as she readied herself to speak once more. "I am Shizue, vampire queen." There was a gasp that spread throughout the crowd. "I have here my daughter--" She stopped when she saw a raised hand moving closer and closer to the podium. She glared down. "Yes human?" Standing there before her was a girl, no older then twelve, wearing a Twilight shirt. "Well Miss Shuzie, shouldn't you be sparkling, it's daylight."
Shizue shook as she stood there. She looked down at the girl. A pale, gloved hand moved forwards. It gripped the girls shirt and lifted her up. The girl struggled, then let out a small scream. "Do I look like a Sparklepire?" There was an awkward silence. The girl was dropped once more. She landed on her knees. She stayed there. "W-What's a Sparklepire?" There was another awkward pause. "Do you like Twilight little girl?" Shizue rolled her eyes as the girl grinned and nodded furiously. "They call those things Vampires, they are Sparklepires." The girl didn't seem to understand. Shizue sighed as the girl scurried towards the back of the crowd.
Miss Meyers shut off the television, a chuckle escaped her lips. The scene with the girl was too perfect. After sitting in the armchair in a moment of silence, she stood up. Edward stared as she bent over and let out a yawn. When she had straightened herself, and turned to him, he dared to speak again. He had been holding his breath, and sighed. He took a few breaths in. "Miss Meyers, doesn't that girl look a lot like... Kasi?" He staggered backwards as soon as he had finished. "Kasi... isn't that the daughters friend?" He nodded. "Yes," there was an odd silence. "Who was the queens daughter anyways?" Miss Meyers hadn't payed that much attention to anyone but Shizue and Edward for a while. "Her name is Zetta." There was another pause. "Okay, you're saying Zetta isn't there, it's Kasi?" There was an angry sigh then she started to pace around the room while rubbing her temples. The power button on the television was pressed once more. It flickered to life. There were now screams coming from the crowd. Meyers turned to see what was happening.
The girl standing next to Shizue dropped to her knees. It was clear that her hands were holding her chest. Shizue grabbed onto the girls shoulders and shut her eyes. In a flash, both of them were gone.
A second later the television was off again. "Now she knows that I'm starting to make my move, do you understand how bad this is Edward?!" Her fingers grabbed a large chunk of hair each and pulled. A sigh of relief escaped her lips, and she stopped pulling on her hair. "Yes... I-I'm sorry." He shuddered as she cast her gaze upon him. "Why are you being like this?" He raised a brow. "P-Pardon?" After a few circles around the room, her shoulders dropped, she took a relaxed posture. "Why are you such a girl Edward?" Another chuckle escaped her lips. "Get out of here, get our soldiers ready for battle, we've not got long before we have a war in the open." His expression turned to that of an injured puppy dog. "B-But what will you do mom?" He didn't seem to like her eyes roll.
"Well I'm going to give Zetta a nice little visit."
Chapter Two.
An idiot grin spread across her face. A bus carrying a singer named Neil pulled up to the bus stop. For the first time, she realized that she was too close to the doors of the bus, she stepped back to let them out. There were a few people that she didn't know before she saw him. She was sure to take in every detail of his figure. His strongest features were his orange hair, adams apple, and scrawny build. A sigh escaped her lips. He was quite a bit taller then her, he was also slightly older then her. Soon enough he had cleared the doorway. He seemed to be looking for someone. While he was looking the other way she ran into him and hugged him tightly. She couldn't help but lift him into the air and jump up and down a little bit.
His breathing was hardly anything but a wheeze. "Air..." As another gasp escaped her lips she dropped him. A hand moved up to cover her mouth, the other to help him up. "I'm so sorry Neil!" He nodded. His body language showed that he was quite nervous to be around her. A few steps were taken away from her, then he flipped around and took off running. She removed a Lemon Demon band photo and a pen from her pocket. A quick glance showed that she had gotten the other band members to sign.
With ease she ran in front of him. She held the pen and photo out to him. "Could you make it to Zetta, Z E T T A?" A shaking hand took the photo and pen, then he quickly scribbled something on it. The same shaking hand gave it back to her. She hugged him once more. "Thank you very much Neil! I'll hopefully be to one of your shows soon!" This seemed to get him nearly to the point of screaming.
She moved the picture into a position where she could read what he wrote, it took a minute. 'Zetta, you're the most frightening fan I've ever seen, Neil'. A sad sigh escaped her lips. "All I get is nervous scribbles..." Her eyes snapped shut, she thought of her home, the grand foyer to be more specific. When she opened her eyes she found that she was indeed in the grand foyer.
A curious glance around the room showed that someone was changing things around; it looked like it was braced for a war. "Teresia? Why is the couch bolted down?" Her call seemed to be unheard by anyone. From there she chose to walk up the stairs with a royal attitude, she hardly ever used it. Sure enough she had reached the top of the stairs, she turned right and walked down a long hallway. Her room was the last door on the left. It was already partly open. She hurried into her room and shut the door tightly. What she saw there made her shake with terror. White pillars extended from the floor, the walls were white, a tiled floor, a spa pool, a white dresser, and a pink lacy bed. A quick check revealed that the bed was also bolted to the floor. Her eyes snapped shut, her mind went to the dressing room where she imagined Teresia was.
Zetta let a sigh of relief pass through her lips. Next to her stood Teresia, she appeared to be eighty. Her skin was overly pale, two fangs stuck out over her lip, her fangs however were much shorter then those of Zetta. She had on a simple black dress. "My goodness Zetta! You said you could dress yourself! You're out of your royal gown!" Zetta tried to hush her. "Teresia--"
"Zetta, you were right to stay, Kasi is dead." Zetta spun around to find that her mother was standing behind her. In her arms was the body of Kasi, it appeared to be slowly fading into nothing. "What are you wearing?" A few tears rolled down her cheeks. Her hand reached out to pet Kasi on the cheek. "I went to mangle the humans..." Zetta snapped herself around. "What?!" Teresia was inching away, she didn't seem like she wanted to be in the middle. "Teresia, could you get me my gown?" She paused. "The one with white feathers, and black spots." Teresia nodded and went off in search of the dress.
There was silence until Teresia returned. She didn't just have the gown Zetta requested, she had matching boots, gloves, and a hat. Zetta snatched the clothes. Teresia pointed towards a shelf, "you can change behind there." Zetta nodded and walked where she was directed. While she was changing clothes she couldn't help but listen to what the two of them were talking about.
"I can't believe that she's making her move."
"Don't worry, I've gotten this place ready for a war, I swear."
"I don't think we can let Zetta out of the house, an attempt on her life was made. It would have worked too!"
"You two were much too clever for that, everything will be alright."
Zetta emerged. Shizue smirked as Teresia let her jaw go slack. "You look stunning darling." Zetta gave a halfhearted smile. After she finished smiling, she frowned. "I'm going for a walk." Shizue grabbed onto her shoulder. "No you are not young lady!" Zetta pulled her shoulder free. "My friend just died! I need some time!" She shut her eyes, and without another word, vanished.
When she opened her eyes she was sitting on a park bench. People were a bit nervous about going near her. After everyone saw Kasi murdered, she couldn't blame them. A sigh escaped her lips as she leaned on her elbows which were supported by her knees. As tears started to fall down her cheeks she tried to wipe them away. However they seemed to come faster then she could wipe away. After a while she stopped trying to hold back and ended up sobbing. Some people came by her and patted her on the back, most just avoided her though.
Another hand came and rubbed her back. It was ice cold, it felt sinister. Her sob stopped as she snapped her attention up to see who it was. It was Miss Stephenie Meyers, Sparklepire queen. Zetta smacked her hand away. "You are a horrid person, do you know that?" Meyers let out a soft sigh. "Well my dear, I'm sorry that you're the daughter of who you are. If you were just... some other vampire I could leave you alone." She nodded. "That would be nice, I don't want to fight right now." Meyers shook her head. "Me either, I would just like you to come with me nicely." Zetta dropped her shoulders. "No. I think I'll take your head, then mount it on my wall."
Zetta swung her fist at Stephenie as hard, and fast as she could. Stephenie seemed to block it easily. Zetta could smell something, an elixir made to put vampires to sleep. While Zetta was distracted by the smell Stephenie took the chance to punch her in the nose. She let out a wail of pain. While her mouth was open she felt something pouring down her throat. After a failed attempt to cough it up she found it getting harder to stay awake. After only a minute she fell backwards, everything had become black.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
So confusing!
Then the rest should be all good.
Who is Zetta? Who is Shizue? Why is it bad that Shizue has revealed to the MC that she had gained the humans' support for the MC? It doesn't make sense. Surely having someone go out and win respect for you is a good thing. Why should the MC be upset that Shizue not only did this for her, but revealed to her that she did it?
I'll admit that I didn't read very far into this. I think I got midway through the first chapter. I know who Meyer and Edward are (I'd be worried if I didn't) but the rest... From what I was able to make sense of, the story line does sound like it could be interesting, but you need to reinforce right off the bat what the story line even is, and who these characters are. It seems to take Meyer's "sparkle-pires" to a new level, but is unclear how they are worked in, at least at the beginning, and that's where you want to hook the reader.
But to hook the reader, you need to make things painstakingly obvious. If it's not clear what's going on, you don't have the foundation set for them to understand the situation, and if you don't have that, then you don't have what you need for a hook. Granted, there are some situations where chaos and confusion is an excellent way to begin a story, but that usually involves a chaotic situation (not a vampire watching TV) and even so, lays the foundation of understanding down for the reader.
I'm sure you're well aware of the importance of a hook, so I won't go on any further. Now that I've given you an awful rant on why I had to stop, I'm going to tell you that it's not as bad as all that. The beginning is the most important part. Explain everything there, and then let's see how the story is. If we have a sold foundation right from the get-go so we at least know what's going on, then it makes everything a lot easier. We don't need to be told the situation over and over again, after all. Only once, and then we understand, and then there's no confusion. So rather than spending our time and energy trying to interpret the story and find its meaning and what it's saying, we can instead focus on enjoying it and offering suggestions on style and content. So really, you just need to fix the beginning.
Good luck!
I can tell I've missed something now that I'm done reading, and It's left me a little confused. I don't feel like the entire story is clear, and it definitely needs some polishing. You're story line is fun, and I'm excited to see what it's really all about as soon as it clears up.
It's currently extremely choppy and needs some variations in sentence structures through out the entire piece. But after some editing it will be a great story! PM if you want or need any help!