For Lisa.
Shira.
Patchy golden sunlight stabbed through her eyelids and sliced into her eyes like a sharp knife through soft butter. Frowning, she squeezed her eyes shut in an attempt to block out the jabbing light that sent small jolts of pain racing through her skull. The rough bark of a tree dug sharply into her back and the hard, sun baked earth beneath her was warm even through the soft material of her shorts. She could hear the faint sounds of laughter and shouts of small children in the distance, and the sharp splashes of running water nearby.
My name…
Her hands brushed against the velvety and damp blades of grass, the ice cold raindrops from the earlier drizzle soaking into her skin. The sun beat down upon her in relentless waves, filling the air with a dry and fiery heat. Sweat soaked the tips of her unusually spiky and short, charcoal black hair and lined her forehead in a thin and shiny film.
My name is…
Her eyes snapped open with a gasp that riveted through her aching body, yanking her from her once peaceful and tranquil state. She sucked in air in short, ragged gasps and her heart hammered painfully against her ribcage as though she had just finished a hundred metre sprint. Adrenaline pulsed through her veins, awakening her once dormant and sleepy muscles with a new found energy.
The sunlight fell upon the floor, broken and jagged by the outstretched limbs of the tree. Small rainbows flashed in the raindrops for a fleeting moment as shadows danced and swayed across the emerald grass. Her loud gasps began to slow and each gulp became shallower as she calmed and once more gained control of her fear and emotions. The fierceness of her racing heart gradually descended until each beat was no longer painful against her ribcage. Little by little, she came to her senses, allowing the sounds and the colours of the place to wash over her. She found her eyes widening in astonishment at the scenery in front of her.
My name is…
Around her, white petals twirled in the air with the same grace as elegant ballet dancers, teasing her and challenging her to catch them. These petals were the summer snowflakes, although they did not burn with the same fiery iciness that always arrived in the winter. They were…
Her hand shot out with surprising speed and deftness for someone who had just woken from their dreams. As quick as a flash, she had caught several of the dancing summer snowflakes in her grasp. For a few moments, she held her arm out straight as though she were holding a trophy aloft. Then she brought to her hand level to her face, gazing intensely at her tightly clenched fist. Slowly, with a burning and strong curiosity that only a child could muster, she carefully unravelled her fist to reveal three of the dainty and now crumpled white petals. With her other hand, she gently pinched one of the petals between two fingers and pressed it against her top lip, rubbing the summer snowflake onto her skin and closing her eyes.
…so soft and silky against her skin, a feeling that she would never forget and the first moment that would embed itself in her mind. Hours could have passed as she found herself immersed in the beauty and tranquillity of nature, surrounded by the calls of songbirds; and the rustling of leaves as they brushed against one another in the slight and refreshing breezes. She had become lost within time itself, swallowed in its endless depths and another to fall prisoner to the quickly passing seconds and minutes.
She had never felt so alive before.
Then it came to her through her still foggy mind as she continued to sit beneath the blossom tree.
My name is Shira.
End of chapter
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137,841 Literary Works • 672,067 Reviews
Happy Review Day!
I love how you're conveying two different progressions at once in this chapter, one your protagonist's train of thought, and two, her interactions and observations of her surroundings. And of course, Shira's a lovely name.
The one outstanding quibble I found with this is the beginning sentence of your fourth-to-last paragraph, "…so soft and silky against her skin." I think the first word ought to begin capitalized, even though it continues from where the sixth-to-last paragraph ends.
I can't wait to read more of this!
Hey, Flame here! (Not too late to welcome you to YWS, by the way?)
. So, brushing that aside, I found too much purple prose. It functions well for a paragraph or two, but it'd be great to accentuate her confusion.
.
I'm rather partial to stories with less action, as they delve into the characters and their emotions. You didn't disappoint me! And your glossy, eye-catching title...I had to check this out immediately!
Now, your grammar and spelling are spot-on, except for "new found." Should be "newfound." Technically, you could swap it for "newly found" or "new," but that'd be getting over-complicated
There is also little variation of sentences. The dependent clauses and parenthetical expressions are there, but everything is active voice, with a jungle of dependent clauses/parenthetical phrases following it. I'm also getting overwhelmed by the sheer size of the sentences. Young authors commonly struggle with simplifying their writing. See, you want to write:
"Patchy golden sunlight stabbed through her eyelids and sliced into her eyes like a sharp knife through soft butter."
...but...
"Sunlight stabbed through her eyelids, flooding her vision with gold."
...will have the same effect. And if you post the former, then you'll be forced to write the rest of the piece as pretty, and it'll be difficult to emphasize any one description. I learned this lesson the hard way
A balance between details and non-details (whatever you call 'ems) is required, as well. It's impossible to develop the exposition if concentrating too much on, say, grass. For example, the connection between the flower petals and summer snowflakes can be omitted. It would work, however, if you wrote a brief comparison but referred to the petals as flower petals for the remainder of the piece.
I hope that I wasn't too hard on you. Keep writing! I honestly can't wait to read more of this!
Hello, my friend.
First, I do not usually focus on grammar unless I am requested to, since I am not gifted in that respect, so I will focus on other things.
Second, incredible. Your writing was absolutely beautiful. You have an impressive way with words and it was enjoyable to read. However, I must also issue a warning. Your descriptions were vivid and colorful, but they filled the entire chapter. In reality, nothing really happened except Shira, wonderful name, waking up and standing up. Although your writing is reason enough for any literate human being to continue reading, perhaps consider adding a bit more action to the first chapter. If anything, to balance out your beautiful words and give the chapter the meat it needs.
Third, do not fall into the trap of the cliche. They were only sparse in your writing, but they were there nonetheless. Be careful. Once a reader reads a cliche, they immediately think that your writing loses its credibility. If that makes sense...
Fourth, I do not know about not writing amnesiac characters. I haven't read many books featuring a character with a lost memory. However, I do know that it can be slightly annoying for a reader. But I do not caution against it. Challenge yourself and make this story different from all others. I believe that you have the writing abilities to pull this off.
Overall, I am excited to read on and discover more about Shira. I would only suggestion a bit more action to balance out description. Please, keep me posted on this. I want to know when the next chapter is ready. Happy Writing!
Knight Dragon, here to review!
First off, I love the name Shira. I used it in this story, so it has a special place in my heart.
Anyway, on to the actual review.
Technical:
This analogy has been used to (by the general writing community) to the point that it's almost a cliche. I'd recommend dropping it, especially since you have enough vivid language to stand alone with. The verbs give a strong enough mental image that is...tainted?...diminished by using this comparison.
Perhaps you should have a hyphen between "sun" and "baked."
And I had to laugh (in a good way) when you mentioned the tree that Shira woke up on. A friend and I have had a few (at least two) discussions on authors using trees for their characters to wake up near/on or transition to a new world through.
This list needs some attention. I'm not quite sure what needs to be changed, but it didn't flow quite right when I read it.
There is nothing wrong with this paragraph. I just liked that the last vivid mental image we're left with is white, a flurry of "summer snowflakes" (really liked that comparison) that seems to blind us in white, silky petals. I was especially pleased since Shira means "white" in Japanese, and was waiting for a good allusion to her name.
Also, I am very grateful we have a name. I've run across so many starting chapters on YWS (not your works) that end, and I still have no name for the Main Character. So thank you for that.
Now, a word of warning. Be very careful with an amnesiac protagonist. I can't remember where I read it on springhole.net, but I seem to recall that it's not a good idea to write heroes with amensia.
Amnesiac heroes is not something I recommend. It may seem like a good way to create tension in a story, but typically it has the opposite effect. Instead of the reader wondering (in a good way) who the protagonist is, they spend more time being frustrated by the hero ignorantly bumbling through the story, making gut decisions that can (and typically do) backfire in the protagonist's face because they made a decision based on feeling alone. So I'd recommend (if you continue this story) having a scene in which something sparks Shira's memory of who she is. And quickly. Now, this early on, you're probably safe, but tread carefully.
Hope this helps!