“Hello!”
Bloody hell…
I bow my head to keep my gaze to the floor(I hate eye contact, I hate eye contact, I hate eye contact)and allow my hair to fall into my eyes. Your expectant gaze sears into my flesh, sending an icy wave over my body, triggering a paralysing sensation that pulses through my veins and slowly coats my limbs.
Speak, Taci, speak!
You wait for my response, watchful and silent. I clench my fists, my nails sending sharp pains through my hands and up my arms as they bite into the soft flesh of my palms. I begin to shake and my eyes widen with fear. I force my voice box to work, trying to force the messages from my brain that tell me to speak through the invisible barrier. The barrier that has cursed me for years, robbing me of my ability to socialise.(Why does this always happen to me?)
“H-h-hi…” is all I can manage in a stammering whisper. A sweat has broken out on my hands. They’ve become clammy with the tension. I know what will happen next: you’ll try and get me to speak as the other teachers always do but it’ll never work. I’ll always falter in my words, letting the barrier get the better of me once again(none of you understand. None of you ever will)and temporarily destroying my ability to speak.
You frown.(Didn’t you hear me?)
“Hello!” this time, your voice is slightly louder and I notice that the tone has changed, although I can’t quite place it. You widen your smile but I can see that it’s false, a pretence. You’re only trying to make yourself seem friendlier but it never works. (I can see through your façade.)
Why are you doing this?
I grit my teeth and harden my fists, working up the courage to speak again.(C’mon, Taci. You’ve got to do this.)It’s harder attempting to speak after the first time. The paralysing sensation has started its work on my voice box. I make what must sound like quiet choking noises as I force my voice box to do its duty.
“H-hello,” Now it’s a half-strangled whisper, but the wind seems to take my words with it, its howling louder than my meek voice. I try to smile(can’t you see it?)to match your smile, pulling up the corners of my mouth as much as I can. I know it’s small, a ghost of a smile, but it’s all I can manage.
I feel my heart sink as your smile slowly drops. Then I realise: you hadn’t heard me speak again. You try once more. This time, you bend down to my height, placing your hands on your thighs and trying to make eye contact with me. I look away, hearing the blood rush in my ears as we stand outside the inner school gates, surrounded by the harsh coldness of the bleak and grey winter morning.
“Hello,” now you sound blunter. I can hear the annoyance laced in your voice, entwined with stitches of anger to complete the embroidery. The smile has dropped from your face completely.(Please, leave me alone…)
“Hi.” I speak without a stammer, managing to raise my voice slightly along with the faintest hope that you’ll perhaps hear me. My voice box feels torn and battered by forced tackles to work. I hang my head, ashamed by my pathetic tries to speak.
But it’s not enough. It never has been and never will be no matter how much effort I put in. My attempts to speak up, to overcome the barrier will always be fruitless and unsuccessful.
You stand up straight with an expression upon your face that I’ll never be able to decipher. I bemusedly observe as you walk away, shaking your head and heading towards the nearby caretaker.
“When students refuse to talk to you, I find it to be rather rude actually.”
Your words are like a stinging slap to the face. Warmth spreads through my cheeks,(you have no idea…)the warmth of humiliation. I stand rooted to the spot(you’ll never understand)staring at you, not knowing what to do.
Then the spell is shattered and I’m broken free from the paralysation.
I turn away, my cheeks burning and head in past the inner gates. It is only when I’m safely deep inside the school, in one of the laboratories where I can begin my early morning studying and no one else can find me, I let my emotions get the better of me.
One day I’ll make you understand…
A single tear slides down one of my cheeks.
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140,397 Literary Works • 673,155 Reviews
It was a good read. Quite gifted you are.(But the why the paranthesis.) If you read any novel as such they would never, if rarely ever use paranthesis. Try to work with commas or just full stop (periods). I just used a paranthesis as a way to designate an option.
“Hello,” now you sound blunter. I can hear the annoyance laced in your voice, entwined with stitches of anger to complete the embroidery. The smile has dropped from your face completely.(Please, leave me alone…)
Over here "The smile has dropped from your face" and "Please, leave me alone," are both through the narrator's voice, aren't they? I did not understand what the need for the brackets were.
But apart from that, your use of images is very good and your flow is also very nice.
I think paralysis is a better word that paralysation. That put me off my flow.
Addressing the teacher directly, as if it were a letter to them was a nice ploy. Over all good work. Work on your presentation and sentence forming using punctuations. Don't worry, even I struggle with the same problem. Lot of ideas but the inability to write them in perfect sentences hinders it. It comes with years of practise. Don't stop writing. If you find some nice place to study punctuation from, let me know too.
Smiles
I really liked this excerpt, it reminded me of a friend I have. She talks loud near her other friends and me, but when it comes to teachers and parents its like i dont even know her. this story is really sad, and you did a great job describing how the character felt. I could relate with the cleanching fists, but not the sweaty palms part. I find it interesting when an author includes the characters feelings, i do it too sometimes. i agree with Okuro, when you do put in her feelings try not to put them in the middle of a sentence. You had no grammatical errors that I could find, great work. It was nice how in some parts you used italicised words to express her thoughts, it's a great way to catch more attention for that sentence. Really good job, keep it up.
This is really sad. I liked this story because it's very realistic, nothing too exaggerated. I was was quiet when I was younger, but nothing to the point where I couldn't even say a single greeting. I know there are people like this though and it was nice to know what goes on inside their head.
I didn't find any grammatical or spelling errors, so that's good. Although I do suggest that you put some of her thoughts in better locations in the sentences. For an example in the eleventh(?) paragraph you wrote,
"I try to smile(can’t you see it?)to match your smile, pulling up the corners of my mouth as much as I can."
Her thoughts in the parenthesis act as a period so I had to reread it, but without her thoughts. To avoid this you should place her thoughts right after the comma so the sentence can be read more fluently. Besides that, this was a good story. I look forward to reading more of your work. : )
Woof. That was good.