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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Thanks for the feedback. Gladly all of you told me about this before I turned it in to my teacher for my creative writing assignment. I'll either tweak this one or abandon this and start another project. Most probably I'll start another one.
I also agree with KatTrain. You need to tell what happened. The readers will be confused if you don't tell what happened. Just keep writing to improve your mistakes. Nobody is prefect.
Good luck and keep writing,
Alicia.
I agree with KatTrain - this poem is all tell and no show. You don't even tell what happened - you exaggerate it so much that I'm not exactly sure what happened. Who did all this to you? You need to work on using imagery to express the obviously very powerful emotions that inspired you to write this. I'd like to see an edited version of this some time. Keep on writing!
-Liz
The problem with this poem is that you told me what happened. You need to show not tell.
The word choice is cliche 'poison, suffocate'. Those might be okay words if they were surrounded by equally interesting ones but you let them stand alone.
Keep writing.