Here is the rest!!!
The next morning Zahara walked back down to the bar. The wife of the owner would serve breakfast. Her daughter sometimes served as a waiter. The small girl walked over,
“Do you want anything?” She asked, he smiled down at her and thought.
“What does your ma cook that is good?” He asked, she sifted her footing and looked like she was thinking.
“I like her pancakes best, especially with the nuts in them.” She sighed, “But I’ve heard a lot of the men say that her ham is good to. Everything comes with the corn muffin and hash browns.”
“I think I’ll have the pancakes, make sure there are nuts.” He smiled, she grinned and skipped off. A big burly man walked over and Zahara frowned, he never liked this bar tender and Zahara could never stand the thought of him taking control of a girl so sweet.
“You better not be up to anything that involves my daughter.” He hissed,
“Don’t worry, I’m not.” Zahara glared at the man. “But if anyone was to try to harm her I would quickly become involved.”
“You suggestin something, mister?” The man demanded his back straightening.
“Now, why would I do that?” Zahara smiled as the girl ran over with a cup of hot coffee.
“Get back in the kitchen.” Her father hissed, the girl’s smile disappeared and she almost ran back to the kitchen. “Leave her be.”
“I’m not harming her, she is a sweet child.” Zahara looked towards the door. A man walked in and looked around. He walked over to Zahara and sat down.
“I’m not interrupting anything am I?” He asked looking at the girl’s father.
“Not at all, sit down.” Zahara smiled, the girl walked back over a little bit more tentative with her father there.
“Would…you like anything?” She asked quietly.
“Whatever he’s having.” Tristian smiled, the girl quickly disappeared and the father left. “That her?”
“Yes,” Zahara frowned, “She was a lot sweeter before her father came over.”
“The man that was over here?”
“Yes,”
“I’ll keep an eye on him. Don’t worry about that.” Tristian smiled at the girl when she came over with the coffee. She smiled when she didn’t she her father.
“Anything else?” She asked, her smile slowly faded when she looked towards the door. Zahara followed her eyes and saw a man in armor. His eyes were slowly going over the room and the girl was doing the same but for something different, a place to hide.
“Who is he?” Zahara asked,
“A…a…” the girl stuttered, “Pa owes him money.”
“Why are you afraid of him?” Tristian asked her,
“Cause every time he comes here, he is mean to me.” She whispered. Zahara lifted her up and sat her down beside him and out of view of the man.
“Then stay put.” Zahara smiled,
“But ma will want me back in the kitchen.” She said,
“Well, I’m sure she wouldn’t mind you being a little late because of him.” Tristian smiled.
The girl shrugged and stayed put. Her father walked over to the man that had walked in and talked in a low tone with him. They walked to a back room and the girl dashed to the kitchen before either of the men could stop her.
Zahara looked around then his gaze landed on Tristian.
“Are you going to be able to do this?” He asked Tristian.
“It should be simple enough,” Tristian smiled, he took a sip of his coffee and set the cup down on the table.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
I found it! A link to Snoink's awesome dialogue page. Check out Snoink's other suggestions as well...they're always helpful.
article19430.html
Check that out, my friend, and you will 'be one happy writer.'
Hmmm...okay, I'll tell you right up front that I didn't read the whole thing. You have a lot of spelling, grammatical and punctuation issues, and I don't have time for a sentence-by-sentence critique right now. So I'll just give you the overall, general rule for dialogue punctuation, which seems to be something you have a problem with.
You have a lot of dialogue in your piece, so it's important to get it right.
In your piece, you might have a sentence like this:
This punctuation is wrong. Observe the correct punctuation in the next example.
See? So if there's a period in the dialogue, you don't capitilize the word after...just put a comma, and lower case. As above. It's hard to explain. It works the same with exclamation points, question marks, etc.
Okay, that's my two sense. If you pm somebody like Snoink, kitty15, or some other important person, they'll have a link that will explain the punctuation better than I can.
Anyway, good luck with this story! It looked original, from what I read, but it just had a lot of errors. Fix those up and I'll come back and give a more in-depth critique, if you please.
~Madame Kool