Chapter 2
The Shadow hidden within Shadows
No one really knows how the world was created, some say it was a god others say that it was science but, only one person would know the answer to that, Oceana the guardian of Life. She is a kind person who loves every living creature in existence. Her daughter, Elizabeth the guardian of Love, healing and protector of Life. For the guardians everything could easily go great but sometimes it could go terribly wrong. Life and death have circled each other since the beginning. As life circles death so does the other guardians. Opposites either like each other or they don’t. My brother, Chara, is my opposite he is the guardian of Hate, Illness and protector of death. Alan and Orion are opposites. Alan is guardian of the heavens and Orion is guardian of the underworld. Arie and Penelope are sisters and opposites. Penelope is guardian of war and violence, while Arie is the guardian of peace and family. They tend to argue between peaceful and violent decisions. Penelope is the mother of Kayla who is the guardian of knowledge. The three eldest guardians are Oceana the guardian of Life, Oliver the god of death and Noah the guardian of souls.
“Elizabeth”
Her name echoed throughout the large halls as King Alan called her name in anger. She sighed and stepped forward, he was going to ask her the same question as he did everyday. Every Time she looked at this throne room she felt as if there was something missing “Elizabeth, I will ask you again where is your mother?” Her older brother Chara stepped forward and stood next to her, taking notice of the situation, they both know the rules that they both must abide by. She responded respectfully “My king, I am afraid that I am forbidden to do or say anything about her” Now his majesty Alan having a temper and being who he is was struggling to stay calm. “How are you. Forbidden. To tell, ME! Your king, now tell me what you know” King Alan’s stare was pressuring but Elizabeth did not crack under pressure nor does she crack easily either.
“Chara do you know what your little sister is hiding?”
“Yes of course father.”
Elizabeth knows how well her brother Chara plays his games and how they are played, but king Alan(She doesn’t call him father because for some reason he resents her) For one does not know how the game is played. “Then what are you waiting for, Tell Me!” Chara hates being yelled at but he puts up with it(Sometimes) “Father both Elizabeth and I-” he paused as if looking for the right word to say but he only did it to annoy king Alan and push his patience over the top(In which Elizabeth finds incredibly funny) Chara cleared his throat “-have both signed a contract and have all-” with a wave of his hand a contract appeared next to him “Three of the eldest guardians signatures.” Chara grinned and struggled not to laugh. “How Dare You!!” Make a contract without my say so!!!” Chara burst out laughing, Elizabeth giggled and could not help but notice that the other guardians in the room were also holding back a smile but failing repeatedly. Kayla the guardian of knowledge stepped forward saying a statement.
“My king, I-I mean n-no disrespect but your s-son is r-right I-if someone has the signatures of a-all three e-eldest g-guardians they c-can make a contract that cannot b-be undone u-unless those w-who s-signed it e-erase their name”.
After they had all finished laughing they looked to king Alan to see what he would do next. “Chara and Elizabeth you are hereby banished for the next 100 years, no coming back and no talking with any other guardians.” This was fine by them after all they now didn’t have to bother with the king anymore. Now Ryan the eldest of the three of us, the guardian of learning, is quite wise and fair, he was there when the contract was written therefore he is also to blame.(He won’t admit it but he was the one who wrote it) “Father if you banish my siblings then you will have to banish me as well” the king didn’t favor his younger children but he did favor his eldest son Ryan(Maybe because he had a difficult time believing that Elizabeth was his daughter and Chara his son).
“What are you saying? You had no part in this, did you not?”
“I was there during the signing for not stopping them I should also partake in this punishment”
The king thought long and hard about it and decided that it was the only possible course of action. Still astonished and rather confused king Alan said “Of that is your wish than you are also hereby banished along with your siblings” Ryan was rather happy about this decision. After all it was fair(geek) Ryan was that guy, the one who was always technical about everything. That was just a fact. Chara did tease him quite a bit and well Elizabeth...Who knows about that girl she is impossible to figure out.
After they has grabbed some of their personal belongings(Mainly Ryan and Elizabeth all Chara needed was his sword.) they left the heavens and went down to earth although they decided to land on a cloud and make a plan for the next hundred years. “So what is the plan?” asked Chara after a long silence. At this Ryan made a face but it wasn’t just any face it was the face he makes when he starts getting ideas. “Oh no” said Elizabeth falling face first onto the cloud that they were standing on. “Great here he goes again with another one of his crazy ideas” and at this he sat down ready to get his ear talked off.
“Okay so here is the plan Lizzie will be playing the part of an enchantress and then-”
“No way I am not going to be one I would rather be a fortune teller then an enchantress!!!”
“Fine you can be both.”
“Humph better than nothing”
Ryan sighed Elizabeth had always had a way with magic but they were trying to stay under cover and if she was an enchantress her magic might attract too much attention. “I will be playing as a travelling as a-” Elizabeth cut him off “We are all a group of travelling entertainers, why because it it cool and no way are me and Chara doing this dumb charade” Ryan sighed his idea was great but he knew that she was right “Fine but you are the guardian of healing you also have a job of a healer” Elizabeth leaned back and went halfway off of the cloud “I was already planing that but okay” Then it was agreed but they looked at Chara and wondered what to do about him. He was more violent and aggressive than them and because Elizabeth as an entertainer might dance human men might have a few...things to say and Chara who is quite overprotective of his sister might start a fight.
“He's a playboy.”
“Hell no!!”
“Hahaha YES”
“Just what kind of person do you think I am anyway!!!”
Chara was angry at just the thought of him acting so idiotically, the worst part was that it was Elizabeth that had suggested it instead of Ryan. Currently he is wondering why she knows that word and why would she use that against him. “Ahem well that was unexpected” said Ryan clearing his throat so that he could hide that fact that he found it hilarious. “No I think he should stick to playing music after all he is pretty good at that.” At this Lizzy(Lizzy is her nickname) went “Awwww!” and begun laughing uncontrollably again. The smile that was on her face was one that neither Ryan or Chara could argue about, that it was the brightest thing that they could ever see, they felt that it would never dim and would never fade. If only they knew what Elizabeth saw that night then maybe they would change their mind.
Her dream started with her sitting in the middle of a grassy field picking flowers. She was alone but she was smiling. She was waiting for something or someone, but who? Who could she be waiting for? Someone in a dark cloak appeared behind her “Your mother is gone, all life on this earth will cease because her soul is no longer with us you have her powers now, but you will eventually fade from memory and life will again be at risk.” He spoke as if this was the truth tears began to stream down her face, her mother is dead...how could this be?
“Is she really….dead.?”
“Yes but her powers are now yours if you die like your mother all life will die because you have no child. So now as long as you exist life will also exist”
“I see but I can still die”
“True and that was your mother's mistake she didn’t decide on doing the reincarnation system or becoming fully immortal and she ended up dying. As for you, you will be reincarnated either way because you at this moment do not have the experience to have the option so this is what will happen”
“I understand and I will gladly take my mother's place if need be”
Elizabeth opened her eyes, was it a dream or was it real. It felt real enough that was for sure. Little did Elizabeth know that what she said than might just affect her the rest of her life. Chara looked at her “Where did you disappear off too, one second we go to bed next thing I know I get up to take care of business and you’re gone!!” He then pointed to Ryan “Plus you made Ryan cry like a baby” at this Ryan shouted “Did not! I just got something in my eyes!” Chara looked at Ryan.
“Really?”
“Yes”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes!!!”
“Then what did you get in your eyes?”
“Tears!!!!!”
Ryan blew into a handkerchief. “What are you talking about? I was asleep.” Chara looked at her “Well all of a sudden your body disappeared. I thought that you went invisible during your sleep so I felt where you were sleeping and there was no trace that you were even there.” Elizabeth sighed and went back to sleep. In the morning using magic they created a wagon that they used in order to store supplies and food. Elizabeth made breakfast, despite Ryan saying that he does not care to eat that early in the morning.
“Well this is our life now, so deal with it.”
“I don't wanna deal wi-”
“Lizzy is Ryan acting like a baby again?”
“Am not!!”
They started to argue. Shouting yes and no, back and forth. Hearing them was possibly the worst thing to hear this early in the morning, but to Elizabeth it was perfectly normal. This might just be the best century of her life but that dream….it might also be the last century of her life. She couldn’t just forget the dream nor could she ignore it either. If she were to tell her brothers she wouldn’t be able to go out on her own and no one really wants to be restricted like that. “Oh brother-” both of them stopped arguing in the middle of each others grips they both said “Which one?” They looked back at each other angrily.
“She said me!”
“No she said me”
“Oh brother, you both are idiots..”
They both sighed and let go of one another, it was an interesting to see how the both of the, reacted to my words. Ciara is hostile most of the time—Elizabeth says it’s the death in him— and Ryan well he just takes it slow and thinks before doing or saying anything. Elizabeth's comments are normal to them but not to anybody else. Not all of Elizabeth’s comments are bad, most of them are meant to tease or joke but some of them aren’t at all pleasant. She might be the guardian of the protector of life and healing but that doesn’t mean that she always has to be nice. It was as if she and her brother Chara were supposed to be cruel and mean. Sometimes it felt that way, at other times it felt like Elizabeth was gentle like a summer's breeze. As for her brother he didn’t ever feel this way, it was most likely that his hostile and rude nature was due to him having an affinity with death.
They had everything set up, from food to a place to sleep. We knew that we would never settle in the same place for long so it was like we were a traveling circus, more or less. Chara was mostly sitting in the main wagon being a total pain and complaining whenever he got the chance. As for Ryan he was both driving and being a navigator to take them to the nearest town. Unlucky enough for them(Mainly Chara though) It would take them about five days to reach the nearest town. They didn't tell Chara though, his complaining was already a pain as it was and to tell him hat it would just make him complain twice as much. Elegance wasn't normally Chara's thing but when he does it either means his playing some cruel game of his or he wants something from you. And when he decides to be elegant he can get what he wants. Elizabeth knew this and when he tried to charm her he failed. "Come on Elizabeth, don't you want to look at flowers. They are your favorite thing after all." Elizabeth knew that he was right. She did love flowers and the beauty that they brought but his tricks don't work on her.
"Chara, would you do me a favor~ I know that your bored but if you can keep the complaining to a minimum you can kill a few things later. How about that?~."
Chara was instantly charmed by his sister. Ryan laughed that Chara's trick had backfired, although seeing Elizabeth use a trick like that is rather scary. Her charisma and charm skills are magical. No one can resist not even the guardian of life who is the one who taught her. Ryan now had a bit of sweat drip down his neck, he needed to be careful or else his sister might charm him too. It was going to be a long ride. But to the three siblings, it was worth it.
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140,903 Literary Works • 673,706 Reviews
Hey there!
Straight off the bat, I'd like to say that this needs a little formatting help. The long paragraphs, while of course convenient, can turn off potential readers, which is something I doubt any writer would want.
My advice for you on this is to divvy up your words a little clearer and smoother. For example, you insert some quotations into your already extended paragraphs, which can confuse your readers, since the dialogue may not seem too clear. In addition, at a couple of cases, you include practically only conversation in a paragraph, which also distracts the reader and makes them not want to continue the story.
My next piece of advice for you is to fully form your characters before writing them. There's a couple of cases where you just provide information on the characters, especially on how they relate, instead of trying to imply such relationships and personality traits. I'd rather see their interactions and then be able to tell their, evidently, close relationship and familial relations without you just telling me.
All in all, I think this is a decent start, but there's room for improvement! Good luck with future writing!
Thanks I will see what I can do!
Hello, TJJ! I'm back for another review.
I highly suggest that you read the contents in this link: The Great Grammar Compendium
Barefootrunner covers a plethora of grammatical errors that I don't have time to cover in this review. Specifically, I would suggest that you read the comma section (for information on comma splices) and the parenthesis section.
While it is nice to know who created the world, the question originally raised was how the world was created. This first sentence sets up for there to be an explanation, but there isn't. While the Guardians of various concepts are brought up, it's never really explained how they came into being. Did all of these Guardians come into being at once? Since Elizabeth is the protector of Oceana, wouldn't it make sense if they came into being around the same time? But with how it's currently set up, I would have to assume that King Alan came to exist first, since he is Elizabeth's father. There are a lot of questions that are raised in this chapter in terms of timeline and general existential questions, but none are really answered.
The aforementioned information dump was all information that the reader does probably need going forward, but it is presented in such a way that it's difficult to digest. It might be better to explain this info as needed, as opposed to all at once. It will help the chapter flow in a more natural fashion. One book that I think does this really well (although, it doesn't really deal with its own creation mythos) is Poison Study by Maria V. Snyder. The reader gets information as they need it, but there's still a sense of mystery.
Okay! One question that I have is is this novel in present tense or past tense? There seems to be a lot of switching between the two, which interrupts the flow and makes it harder to pay attention to the story at hand. Personally, since a majority of this story is told in the third person, I would stick with past tense.
The first two words that I highlighted are in past tense, but the third word is in the present tense. It makes a lot more sense to just keep the entire sentence in the same tense.
There are some problems with capitalization throughout the work. For instance, since Guardian of [Insert thing here] is a title, I would capitalize "guardian" in addition to life/love/death, etc.
"Tell me" has no reason to be capitalized, since it isn't a proper noun nor is it at the start of a sentence (even then, only "tell" would be capitalized). If you were aiming for emphasis, then I'd personally go with italics instead of capitalization. Italics are a common stylistic choice that get the meaning across effectively and without confusion.
Question: Why does King Alan not know how Chara's games are played? How does the familiar relationship work? There's a lot of stuff my parents don't know about me, but they still manage to figure out the mischief I might get up to.
The "k" in king should be capitalized, since it is a part of a title.
How do life spans work for Guardians? Is 100 years really that much of a punishment? How does aging and time work in relation to their existence? These are all questions that should probably be hinted at and answered, just for the sake of clarity. The effect of the scene isn't strong when the reader has no clue what is at stake.
Given Chara and Elizabeth's almost jovial reaction to being banished, I would have to guess that 100 years is like almost nothing to them.
Stuff is really starting to heat up, though! Perhaps Elizabeth and Lily will meet soon? And perhaps the part about sharing their soul will be explained.
Let me know if you have any questions! Keep on writing! (Let me know when you update again!)
-E
Guardians are like gods except they can die if they take enough damage. So 100 years is nothing to them. King Alan does not like Elizabeth or Chara so he doesn't take time to spend with them and doesn't care either. I that will be emphasized more in their next chapter. As well as Oceana is missing so you won't find out how the world was created until she comes into the story. Chara is a very mischievous and cruel to a degree type of person, the person who keeps track of him is Elizabeth and that is why she knows how he likes to play his games. Most of this will be explained later. I do have a habit of giving background all at once to get it out of the way and not have to explain it later and because when I write I really don't plan out a story I just write. I do need to work on my commas I know that, it just a force of habit and I need to break it. Before I end I just wanted to let you know that whenever I don't reveal something like Oceana or the relationship between Chara, Elizabeth and their father is because it will eventually be revealed. Another thing is that I plan to release a new story that continues from an old short book that I wrote a while back, if you want to check out the old one out feel free to.Thanks for the review though, I feel like with the feedback that I get it will help me in the long run.
Thanks~