Dolls, Chapter 1: The Genius's Daughter

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     Opening my journal to a random page, something I do often but this time... I wrote this four months ago...why did it have to be this one?... Six years ago...god, just thinking about it still gives me chills. I try not to, but I can't help it. He's there, he's always there. Watching me. Following me. My mother says that he was just a fragment of my imagination, but I know that's not true. Mother doesn't understand, she isn't herself, she says I just am lonely. And that my loneliness is causing me to hallucinate and that my mind is tricking me. But he's real. My father's old business partner. Micheal Shores. We haven't had contact with him since father died. I never did like him. I see him, his empty eyes, his pale skin, his devilish smile. He knows.
     He always looked like he was up to something. My mother rather liked him. Being father's previous business partner he came over to our house often. He and father would talk behind closed doors. Father, an engineer, a considered genius in his field, was in charge of creating the...merchandise. Renting them out and creating new ones, or fixing up the old ones. I learned so much from him. You could say that I took after him. As a small child there is not much I can do to dabble in the adult world...at least, not directly. My ideas became his, of course through his eyes I owned them, but to the world, they were just things that they expected my father to do.
     In his words "No matter how much praise they give me for the dolls and their originality, the only thing that I get out of that is pride. Every praise I get, every slap on the back; just makes my heart swell with pride, the pride that my little girl created something so revolutionary. When you come of age my dear, the truth will be revealed, Micheal already knows, he is my partner after all."
     Most of the creations were mine. Only the originals are his. His underground workshop, my favorite place to play. I walk through the empty quiet halls, they soothe me. My grief can fade there, but not mothers. Since father left she hasn't been fully here. Her mind wanders, she's gone. Like him. I'm alone, my only friends are the dolls and him. Josh. Micheals son. He and I used to play together when out fathers would meet. He was my best friend. But he suddenly stopped coming. I would ask his father where he was, excuses, that's all I would get.
     He was with his mother. He was with his sister. He was at his grandmother's house. He needed to do his homework. He was lying. It was obvious. He and I were six at the time. First graders do not get homework on the weekends. And his sister...was four. He never met his grandmother and his mother...had to work on most weekends, not week after week. He was my best friend I knew him too well.
     Sometimes father would let me play with the dolls. There were many different sizes. I never really had a favorite but there was one who I played with more than the others. He was always Josh's favorite. The most annoying one. The one who laughed at you at every chance it got. I said it was creepy but he said that he was joyful. That he was always looking for the bright side of things. I would always laugh and say "Sounds like someone I know." That idiot, every time I said that he would ask who. I never gave him an answer.
     "Sherri! Get down here!" my mother called from downstairs. It was the middle of the summer so it wasn't like I had any places to be or anyone to see for that matter.
     "Coming mother!" I called back closing my journal. And getting up from my desk. It was covered in paper and other things. I hadn't cleaned it in months. Walking down the stairs I heard voices from downstairs. One I recognized as my mothers but the other two were...male...some that I didn't recognize. As I reached downstairs I saw mother with, as I suspected, two men. They were dressed in suits, they were most likely from the company that my father founded with Mr. Shores.
     "ah, you must be Sherri Gilman, the daughter of Exavier Gilman." Said one of the men holding out his hand. Exavier...that was fathers name. The way he said it was so formal it was clear that he was an acquaintance of father, not someone who he worked too closely with.
     "Yes, I am Sherri Gilman and you are?" I replied grasping his hand firmly. The man smiled.
     "That is one meaningful handshake young lady, and my name is Robert Furgeson. The man next to me is Mr. Mcconrey, my personal assistant." He let go of my hand as introductions had ended. My father taught me that when dealing with business if you have a firm handshake that you are professional and that you both respect each other.
     "I came here on behalf of the Gilman and Shores Entertainment Company. As you know we rent out the animatronics to-"
     "Dolls, you mean the dolls that father left me." Though it sounded rude father and I prefer the term dolls. Calling them robots or animatronics made it sound like they were lifeless toys. Calling them dolls means that if it is within our imagination we can have them do just about anything.
     "ah, yes. I almost forgot that is what your father called them. Anyway, as you know we rent out the dolls to people often and well though your father after his passing left them to you, they are still able to be used by the company we are starting to have some issues." Mr. Furgeson seemed like a good man but I was wondering where he was going with this.
     "What types of issues are we speaking of here?" I asked; if they were going to propose something outrageous like scrapping them I wanted to know.
     "Issues with the recorded sounds, the gears and them breaking down. Our mechanics are having difficulty keeping them in good condition while your late father was able to keep them in the most pristine of conditions." I smiled, it was true. Father practically poured out his soul into those dolls to keep them being magical and beautiful.
     "Father did keep them in good condition but what does that have to do with you being here?"
     "Well, you see Miss Gilman, as our mechanics can't keep them in good condition long enough we now have less to rent out, which causes rates to drop. And people are so used to the same dolls being able to rent out that it is about time we add some new ones into the group. But seeing as your father is no longer with us, I would like to see if he has any that he didn't get a chance to release. I came so that I could choose a few." The man smiled kindly as if to say that he wanted my permission to loot his grave.
     "I see, that might be a problem then..." the man seemed confused.
     "Whatever do you mean?"
     "You see father didn't really have any that he finished before passing away. Yes, he did have a few that he was working on but they were mostly incomplete. If you would still like to see the workshop I could take you."
     The man stood there silently for a minute and then said: "I would very much like to see you fathers workshop, after all, he is a legend in the company."
     I led them to what looked like a small closet but was actually an elevator. The three of us went inside and I punched in a code on the keypad. When we arrived and the elevator doors opened all you could see was the darkness. Mr. Furgeson looked at me as if he expected me to flick a light switch and an entire workshop will appear out of the darkness. "What the-oh my god, JACK! You stupid monkey turn on the lights!"
     Mr. Furgeson looked at me like I was crazy but then the lights flickered on. ooh ooh ahh ahh. The sound of a monkey's laugh echoed throughout the halls. Mr. Furgeson was rather speechless. The workshop was not what he expected, there was a long hallway with doors on each side. As we got nearer to father's main office we could hear the clanking of metal coming down the hall. A shadow appeared on the wall, Mr. Furgeson looked unsure, so did Mr. Mcconrey. Even I was rather jumpy. Suddenly the clanking stopped. The shadow stopped moving, It just stood there, as if waiting for something.
     I looked behind the corner and giggled, I know who I saw. "Mr. Furgeson, there was a doll left here don't worry he's harmless." He looked unsure and walked forward. In front of him was Jackel the pirate.
     "Oh, I remember him! He used to be my favorite before he was retired after...that incident." His smile faded.
     "Yes he was retired, that was when people decided that to have them in their free roam mode around children was dangerous." I smiled and walked past him. He didn't move.
     Mr. Furgeson walked forward and suddenly Jackel jerked and said "ha har! Join me you buccaneer." Both of the men jumped at this. Jackel laughed and began to walk, he walked down the hall and went through a door. I laughed and laughed, neither of the men seemed pleased with this.
     "Just curious, how did you get him to do that? You weren't expecting us were you?" asked a shocked Mr. Furgeson.
     "Nope, that silly pirate loves to give people a good scare. He gets me quite often despite how well I know him." As we continued walking Mr. Furgeson laughed.
     "Miss Gilman, it seems to me by the way you gesture the dolls that they are in a way their own person? Please correct me if I am wrong but do you believe that these dolls are in their own way, are alive?" I could tell that he was still rather suspicious by the way Jackel acted earlier. I stopped at the end of the hall in front of a door.
     "They aren't alive, it more like...they each have their own preferences and personality. Although they understand that they are made to entertain and listen to humans when you treat them like you would any other they are more likely to like you and listen to you."
     I opened a door and the three of us walked inside. In the room was a giant billboard there were blueprints for different dolls, the desk was also covered in blueprints. There were three dolls standing there. The one's father never finished.
     "Ah, those are the ones that your father never finished right?" asked Mr. Furgeson pointing to them.
     "They don't look like your father never finished them..." I was rather surprised that Mr. Mcconrey said something. Until now I had yet to hear his voice. It was a bit rough with minor raspiness and quite low.
     "You weren't listening to me earlier were you? I said the dolls that he was working on were incomplete. He never completed them, I did." My chest swelled with pride on finishing my father's last projects.
     "You...can build and fix animatronics?" asked Mr. Furgeson like this was something he didn't expect.
"Dolls. And yeah, I can, I mean what did you think my father would teach me? How to dress up like a stereotypical cartoon princess and be a helpless naive girl?" I might have used a bit too much sarcasm but I am the only child of a genius mechanic and creator, of course, I would inherit at least some of his traits.
     Mr. Furgeson smiled and gazed up at the doll in front of him. She was an angel, literally. Her eyes were closed, she was deactivated. So were the other two.
     "Miss Gilman, what are their names?" I pulled up their files out of the messy and disorganized desk.
     "Angelica the Angel, Jackie the Pirate, and Milly the Puppet Master." I read out loud going through each of the files.
     "A detailed report Miss Gilman?" I heaved a heavy sigh, one of these dolls, I knew, would be especially challenging to part with.
     "Angelica the Angel, made to be able to sing and dance when in free roam mode. If not then she will use gestures to show her grace and still is capable of singing when in standard mode. More special and personalized features added was cooking and baking. Skills that prove useful at times when she is left in free roam mode." At this I smiled, she had come to my aid when I was tired and hungry more times than one.
     "She can cook?" asked Mr. Mcconrey, looking at her. She had a human-like figure as if she were a grown woman. Her white dress and wings had the perfect amount of glitter to make it seem as if she was radiating light.
     "Yes, that was a feature I added to make her more useful other than singing and dancing. Next is Jackie the Pirate. She was originally made to be Jackel's love interest and to show that women can be whatever they like and that it wasn't just men that were pirates. Later she was going to be put out as a replacement for Jackel after he was retired and had to be reprogrammed with newer and Jackel's songs."
     Jackie was dressed in a pirate outfit with tall leather boots. Didn't have a hook like Jackel but she did have a sword that she could pull out. Of course, it was made so that mischevious children could not get hurt.
     "So she was made to replace Jackel huh?" said Mr. Furgeson Looking at her. Jackel seemed to be Mr. Furgeson's favorite of all of the dolls.
     "And last but not least, Milly the Pupett Master. Was made to host puppet shows on a stage. Her little puppets are controlled by her sending signal waves to tell them what to do, of course, all have a free roam mode so that they can adapt but if you have them in standard mode then things change. She was also made so that she could be edited so that she can have personalized party shows if there is a client that desires so."
     Mr. Furgeson looked down at Milly she was about the average height of a child and yet she was cute, at least to me. To most the dolls could be rather creepy to others like me they are cute and they are their own type of person or because they have a personality.
     "Miss Gilman, what were the touch-ups that you had to make to these?" he asked innocently. It was a simple question really.
     "Well Angela was half built and had no programming, Jackie needed programming and Milly was only a small group of puppets at the time so she is mostly new. And I started to continue father's work about a month after he passed away and finished all three by the end of the year." I put the files into place and begun to organize. I started to put unused papers in a drawer when someone began to sing.
     "Hello, my friends come and play, I have something to sing today. Gather round girls and boys lets get together and share our toys" Angela's eyes were open now and she had her hands together over her chest.
     "Good Morning Angela," I said in greeting as she smiled my way.
     "Hello, Sherri dear. Are you planning on working late again tonight?" asked Angela walking towards me.
     "No Angie. Please meet Mr. Furgeson he works for the business part of father's company. He is here to look at you all and see if he can use you guys to be rentable and send you all to different places." The sound of laughter suddenly appeared and Milly's eyes started to blink.
     "We get to go on stage?! Yay! I've never been on stage before!" she waved her arms around and gave me a hug. Her optimism on everything was something that I was proud of. Her personality was meant to be playful, cheerful, kind and sweet but it ended up better than I could have imagined.
     Mr. Furgeson put his hand on his chin and looked at me. I didn't know what he was thinking but from my point of view, it was most likely a business proposition.
     "Miss Gilman...I have a proposition for you," I sighed, knew it was. "Would you like to come to the Gilman and Shores Entertainment Company facility, and take your father's place?" At this, I was shocked, not because I was asked to work for the company, but to fill in my father's shoes. To replace him, or in other words, take the inheritance that was mine. Creating and designing the merchandise for the company.
     In other words, I would be the lead mechanic, designer and co-owner of the company.
"I'm sorry, but after six years, don't tell me that you have no one to take my father's place?" I was rather curious, filling in for father was like trying to fill in the biggest shoes in the world.
     "Miss Gilman, that spot at the top of the company was reserved for you, Mr. Shores always said that the genius behind the genius, was you. And that in time you would most likely take your father's place when he retires as his son will too, one day."
     I knew what I was being asked. But first I wanted to see for myself what I was getting myself into, but that wasn't my main problem...my problem was, that I am still just sixteen years old.

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Mea
Review
Mea wrote a review · Fri Sep 14, 2018 4:50 am

Hey there! I thought I'd drop by for a quick review today, and I have to say, I'm surprised this has been in the Green Room so long, because I found it really interesting!

I absolutely love the idea of the animatronic dolls and also the girl who takes on her father's legacy of creating them. I do think the dolls are a bit creepy, but they're also really cool, and you introduce them well here by having us jump right into the first turning point of the story - the offer for her to take her father's place in the company. I also liked that you didn't reveal her exact age until the end, but that I also could guess she wasn't that old.

I'll be honest, though, I didn't start to get interested until the men from the company arrived and we started to learn more about the dolls. I was confused by the opening, and I still don't understand it. There's this creepy former business associate, and his son used to be Sherri's friend, but I don't understand why you start the story by telling us about them when the rest of the scene doesn't have anything to do with them. I'm guessing he'll be important later, as a rival or something, but I think you could wait and try to introduce him in a more natural way - I had a bit of a hard time following your explanation and it felt awkward.

A small thing about paragraphs and formatting:

"I see, that might be a problem then..." the man seemed confused.

An essential rule of thumb to know when deciding whether to make a new paragraph or not is that if the line right after the dialogue doesn't focus on the speaker, it's a good idea to make it a new paragraph to signal the change in focus. The way it is right now, I was confused about who was speaking - it seemed like the man was speaking, but that doesn't make logical sense of course.

"What the-oh my god, JACK! You stupid monkey turn on the lights!"

This was another time where because the dialogue was at the end of a paragraph that was focusing on the man's actions rather than Sherri's, I was confused about who was talking.

Again, I really like the dolls and how you show their personalities, but then they're also still clearly robotic. I think one general thing you can do to improve is read your work out loud and try to see if it "sounds" right - like other stories you've read, or like people talking normally for the dialogue. In the parts where it doesn't, that's where you want to reword what you've said to make it flow better. Plot-wise, this is really good so far - I'm just not sure about the opening paragraphs.

And that's about all I've got for you! This was really cool to read and I definitely hope you continue it. Let me know if you have any questions, and keep writing!

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GrinningMan
Review

Hi there, I’m an averagely skilled reviewer and haven’t been around much, so I’m far from a critic. But hey, this seemed interesting and I might as well get going on the first chapter while I still can.

For one, I must say I do like the first person view (something I’ve struggled with for a while) so it’s quite fresh, and with the way the character “talks” in this way strikes me quite well. It’s sort of disjointed and quick, already feeling in tune with what we know in this first paragraph. To me, it’s a good first impression.

Now, following the first paragraph, the disjointed “talking” just feels a bit overdone after a few paragraphs worth of it. At this point it’s a lot of fragments, short little bursts of sentences that… grammatically aren’t sentences. But that’s as far as my nitpicks for grammar go.

As for the story, once the word “Animatronic” came up it gave me FNaF vibes, and further on it reinforced that as well. This isn’t bad, of course, but I must admit I had a different expectation going in. I’m not saying the story is exactly that, and in my opinion (I apologize if this sounds contentious) but it’s not particularly my cup of tea.

For my closing thoughts, I thought it was quite good for a first chapter, it sets things up but the fragmentation is a bit constant; it’s like stopping and starting multiple times when a combined sentence would work better. I can also say I found the characters’ demeanor during dialogue to be fitting. While a subject like this isn’t my taste, I feel it’s a good start as long as the fragmented speaking is improved upon.

Have a good day and best of luck.



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