Published August 17, 2011
The wind blew past Elena’s hair, the soft cool wind. The city lights lay hanging below her, the cars swooshed past as if they all were in some sort of hurry. Tranquility of the night surrounded her…
Here it goes…my life. Planning this thing was such a pain… At least mum and dad are back in Tampa, knowing their daughter is safe and coping well. Yes true, I’m coping just fine. Not in a very sensible way but yes, as insensible as possible. Can’t believe I’m doing this…
(Sighs) Okay, I’m ready. Just do it Elena, just step forward and go…Okay, I’m doin’ this, I’m gonna do it. I’m doin’ this for Suzy. Yes, just go already! Alright…But will it hurt? Falling on to that hard ground? How long will the pain last before I slip away?
No, I can’t…I can’t do this…
Yeah Elena, come to your senses! This isn’t a very sensible or mature way of solving this problem. Don’t create a scene. It’s for your own good….But what about Suzy? How will I get her to forgive me? Will she ever? Like, forgive her best friend? No…calling myself her best friend will degrade her spirit. I want her sole to rest in peace. I don’t know what to do!
Suzy, help me…Where are you Sue? Are you up in that sky? Which star are you? Shine a little more so that I know it is you…Who am I kidding? You probably hate me now, huh? But, but i-it was an accident Sue, I swear. I didn’t mean to do it! Had god taken my life instead’a yours, I’d be glad. I wouldn’t have had any regrets…
Remember how you’d go like “If I die today, you’re invited to my funeral.” And I’d be like “Sure, but don’t forget to put me down for all your shoes.”? I never actually thought it’d ever be real. Thing is, I never imagined my life without you. Seeing it as it is now, I don’t feel life’s worth living anymore. Where are you Sue? Come back. Oh, please come back…I want you back.
Nate hasn’t talked to me since. I don’t blame him. I took you away from him! Why else should he talk to me? Show me sympathy? Tell me that it was not my fault, like my mum and dad did? Funny how I still expected people around me to be the same. But, to be honest, no one treated me like you did Sue. No one went like “Hey, so what if life seems like a load of bull shit? You’re the controller so…Take control!” Those words used to motivate me day and night, despite all hardships. Tell them to me now Sue…I’m in desperate need for your words!
At first when I heard it, I thought it was just a dream. But, I know my mum; she’d never lie to me. I went and asked for forgiveness from your mum and dad but…nobody treated me the same. No, maybe I should do it. Seeing as to no one cares for me…not anymore.
But I’m afraid of the pain. Hell, I should’a thought about the ‘pain’ before driving drunk!
They say that when you die, you see a flash of white light. Is it the same as the headlights of that truck? I thought I’d been dead by then but…I woke up to the smiles of my parents. For the first time, I was so glad I was alive!
(Sigh) Oh well, happiness walked out the door for me when you were gone so, might as well be a goner too, huh?
Alright…now, just do it. Step off into the air and just…just…do it! C’mon Elena! You know you can do it! Let it happen Elena. Make it happen! Okay…on the count of ten…one…two…three…four…Oh for god’s sake Elena! People don’t count to ten when committing suicide! I knew it…you are a loser. You’ve always been…
But wait… What about my life? What about my soul? How much good have I done for that? Don’t I deserve to taste the real life? I mean, I only just began…living it. How can I just…just end it? Would it be fair? For me?
No…Whatever I’ve done seals the deal on me. I’m a killer. I killed my best friend! How could I…? How could I…even think about myself? Being selfish was always in my genes…
Here I go…
Mom…dad? I love you. I know I’ve never been able to tell it but…
Suzanna? I’m sorry…This is for you…
I love you…
*SMACK*
(Breathes deeply) Elena tries to take in her last breath but…it all ends…
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
138,383 Literary Works • 672,113 Reviews
Well written.... crummy message. I thought that this would end very differently, like I don't know..maybe her NOT comiting suicide. But my personal opinion aside, nicely done. I notice a couple spelling mistakes;
'Soul' not 'sole'
Capital 'G' on 'God'
That about it. Later. ~DG
Hi hi!
[Okay so I like the thoughts in her head, very nicely displayed. But! You should maybe intersperse them with some more description of where she is and what she's doing. You can keep it in the perspective of her thoughts. You can just have her thinking things like, 'Okay, look straight ahead, don't look down. See the sky, see the crisp blue sky and the birds, how they are falling. Falling through the sky.']
[Some really good atmosphere building going on here. I love the strength of her emotions and the little inflections in her voice. You've done a great job of defining her character and setting her apart.]
[Starting to get a little too self orientated here. Tell us more of the story, give us more pieces to fit together. You should perhaps have been vaguer when you mentioned the drink driving. Give us it bit by bit so that we can slowly build the picture.]
Fix the ending my dear! Smack is just not the way to close on this. Seriously. It takes away from the serious nature and spoils what you've worked hard on building. Go back to the style of your opening paragraph and describe how she falls, describe how the wind is there to follow her down to the ground.
All in all, this was an alright read. You did lose it a bit toward the end but before that you were building a good character and I felt like I was getting to know her. The stream of conscioussness style was nicely played out and it flowed well. But... fix the ending please?
Hope this helps!
Heather xxx
Hi there!
Wow, this was really great! It was very interesting and kept me reading. I like how you got inside your character's head and told us what she was thinking. You built it up well too, adding more and more tension until you reached the climax. Good job! This seems like it was written in stream of conciousness. Was it meant to be that way? My corrections are in red in the spoiler.
Spoiler
Overall this was a good piece. Keep writing!