Broken skin caused by shards of broken glass, from broken windows that were mounted on broken walls and left holes which were monochromatic kaleidoscopes into broken souls.
Broken promises and broken bones, broken families and broken homes, built from the ashes of a Phoenix that never rose. Until one day.
Keeping the phoenix at bay was a dragon that a hero needed to slay.
One day the hero came. But he said that he couldn't stay.
He wasn't here to kill the dragon, but to come and take it's prey away.
By taking her from the slums, he thought he'd also take her pain away,
But instead, he took her from the battlefield and put her in a treacherous jail.
A perfect house and a lawn that was perfectly trimmed, was where a man lived, with his wife who was perfectly slim. Botox gave them perfect skin and taylor-made clothes ensured a perfect fit on bodies liposuction made look perfectly fit. All that was missing in this perfect little world, was a perfect little girl, for these two perfect little souls.
The hero was on a roll as he came to save the day for a second time Not only blotting out the slight imperfection in the perfect wife, But also taking the girl from the clutches of poverty and giving her a better life. He thought he was giving her wings, when through all her life she'd had to crawl, But instead he was putting her in a prison. Happiness, "the most insidious prison of all."
A once broken little girl was now a happy little girl with a constant glimmer in her eyes. And along with the man with his perfect little lady they made the perfect little family that was forever sunshine and bright smiles. But all this beauty, contentment and other little niceties could only last for a while Because everything that's good on the outside could not hide the snake, lying deep inside.
The way her daddy spoke changed as the snake became more prominent, As did the clarity of the bars signifying her imprisonment.
"Lay your head child, silently on your pillow. Don't make a sound, or else your mother might know What went on when she turned her back or went to the store. What went on after daddy whispered 'trust me, I'll protect you'," Yet Trust is what he used to protect himself when he'd hurt you.
She could hardly sit after the first time he left her black and blue. But that was just one of a few things she had to learn to get used to. Like not showing any signs of pain when he'd touch her special place And keeping away the tears from what daddy called her pretty face. Or else she'd have to tell mommy that she fell from that tree she liked to climb Because daddy might use the metal rod and break her arm this time.
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140,764 Literary Works • 673,687 Reviews
Heya, Syntax! Got that review for ya:
To begin, I'll refute the first reviews claim that this isn't poetry. I heartily disagree.
There is such thing as a prose poem -- in fact, I learned that personally a while ago here, on this site -- and whether or not you wrote this piece with that in mind, this is probably the best name for the structure and design of the poem.
I do have a few concerns and suggestions:
I liked the way this started; emphasis through repetition. The quirky metaphors and heavy, vivid imagery (my favorite especially being "monochromatic kaleidoscopes". I got a little dizzy trying to imagine it).
But, then, once the phoenix/dragon enter the narrative, the mood and tone begin to lurch. Which was difficult for me, personally, to adjust to since I really liked the sense I was getting before with the two preceding stanzas. It's also there that the metaphors kind of fall limply and the rhymes without as much of a thrill as incited in the first two stanzas.
I noticed also that the ending reads sort of incompletely, promising a lot more of the tale that isn't going to be delivered...
But my biggest concern is that I feel as though there's not as much of a fair use of language and technique as there is a reliance on the theme and bare symbolism throughout the story itself. It's a very top-heavy piece standing on very thin legs.
I think with more attention put towards evocative diction and -- since, it seems this was intended to be a visual piece -- imagery, this can be an intensely powerful work.
...It'll make the message impossible not to hear. Feel.
Best regards,
Max
Okay, first I have to point out the one typo I saw. "Taylor-made" should be tailor made.
That was the only technical error I saw. I was going to mention the formatting, but that's already been discussed
The story was told really well. I would have liked to hear more about the hardships of the girl, I think that would help move the story along. Otherwise, super well written, super sad.
Hmmm... I thought this was rather interesting. It's a little different from what I'm used to reading.
First off, I have to say, that title you chose, talk about amazing. It caught my eye immediately.
Second, I thought you had a great concept. It brings up goo questions that slowly get answered as you continued reading. I love stories like that. Also, you had AMAZING imagery. Your detail paints perfect pictures into the readers mind.
This was my favorite part:
"A once broken little girl was now a happy little girl with a constant glimmer in her eyes. And along with the man with his perfect little lady they made the perfect little family that was forever sunshine and bright smiles. "
This just gives so much imagery and emotion... it really makes the story!
I thought you did an amazing job on this! Keep up the great work!
Thank you! Really glad you enjoyed it.
Well, this is not really poetry. It's really long, and hence could almost fall into the ballad category, but it's not broken up at all. It comes out as more of a short story that happens to have sentences which end in rhymes. I'm not bashing on the story, just pointing this out.
Your concept is all right, I like this part,
"Keeping the phoenix at bay was a dragon that a hero needed to slay.
One day the hero came. But he said that he couldn't stay.
He wasn't here to kill the dragon, but to come and take it's prey away.
By taking her from the slums, he thought he'd also take her pain away,
But instead, he took her from the battlefield and put her in a treacherous jail."
It brings up some interesting questions and thoughts, and paints a somewhat vivid picture of slaying dragons and such in a metaphorical way. But other than this, it starts to drag on and it gets to the point where I've heard you say the same thing all ready, just in a different way.
I would suggest shortening it and breaking it up into stanzas, that will turn it into an actual poem and then you have something to work with.
Hopes this helps.
Thank you Syntax!
Well I had some trouble while publishing so it didn't come out the way I wrote it, but thanks for the input,
Yah, the publishing program is messed up. The best thing to do is make sure that it's formatted in a Word.doc like you want it, then save it and upload it using the Upload Document button, rather than copying and pasting. Then it saves the formatting.