The Official Pilot (Episode One)
copyright 2013
FADE IN-
INT. JILLIAN'S BEDROOM. NIGHT.
In the room, girls are giggling and whispering jokes.
ISABETH:
Hey, we are gonna be in 7th grade in a week, so why don't we make a pact?
FLORA HUNTER (in unison):
Whaaaaaaattttttaaaaa? Pact?
JILLIAN:
Yes a pact... like a goal that everyone has to follow (if they make the pact, so…)
Jillian chuckles to herself. The other girls stare at her blankly.
ISABETH:
Yeah, okay. But in all seriousness, let's say that each of us have to change the lives of others in a big way before the end of 8th grade... Okay?
FLORA:
But I've already done tha-at!
ISABETH:
When? Oh… Fourth Grade Student Council?
FLORA:
That doesn't count? But fine, I'll do it.
HUNTER:
Uh-huh, I'm cool with it... but can I tackle a boy and call that a change?
ISABETH:
No.... Jillian what about you?
JILLIAN:
Fine, okay? Team J. H. F. I swear?
Girls do swear.
GIRLS: (in unison)
J. H. F. I, we will fly, fly, fly! Every night and everyday,
we’ll do better every way! Wooh!
CUT TO-
Credit sequence.
FADE IN-
INT. JILLIAN'S KITCHEN. EARLY MORNING.
JILLIAN'S MOM:
I hope you girls all had a good time last night, and went to sleep before 1:00?
GIRLS: (unconvincingly)
Oh yeah, sure, yep...
JILLIAN'S MOM:
It's okay, I heard you doing the J. H. F. I swear around 2:00, I won't tell your parents.
CUT TO-
INT. ICE CREAM STORE. DAY.
GIRLS are sitting at a high table eating ice-cream.
HUNTER:
So, we're following the pact already?
JILLIAN:
Yep. Once we did the J. H. F. I swear, our pact was official!
HUNTER:
I really cannot tackle a boy and call it a change?
ISABETH:
No! Don't you remember that part of the deal? I told you right before the swear was done!
HUNTER:
I'm getting a water, is anyone coming?
Girls nod their heads no and HUNTER walks away.
JILLIAN:
So, school starts in a week… I'm both annoyed and excited!
FLORA:
Nope, I'm just annoyed, so…
ISABETH:
I know whatcha mean, but I'm with Julie. We're in middle school now!
HUNTER walks back.
HUNTER:
What we talkin bout?
JILLIAN:
Middle school!
HUNTER:
Ewe!! School stinks… but I'm excited about this pact thing.
FLORA:
Let's go, it's getting late.
CUT TO-
INT. J. H. F. I CLUBHOUSE. NIGHT.
Girls are watching the “Music In Me Movie” on JILLIAN's laptop. There're in sleeping bags.
ISABETH:
Kendra is SO bad, and she stole Cèilin's outfit!
FLORA:
I know, and she was up for "best artist"!
ISABETH:
Thank god that she didn't win! But on to business, I heard that Sienna is coming to town, and my aunt knows her… and we could get backstage passes!
GIRLS:
Oh my GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
JILLIAN:
This is so crazy! When's the show?
ISABETH:
Friday!
HUNTER:
I can make it, I mean, nothing ever happens to me!
FLORA:
Sure!!!!!!
JILLIAN:
Yes!!!!
ISABETH:
Let's hope Rebecca Black isn't there!! You know, "Friday"? Okay, sorry. We all know I'm going!
CUT TO-
GIRLS asleep.
FADE IN-
INT. ARENA. NIGHT.
GIRLS are with JILLIAN'S MOTHER, getting their tickets scanned. GIRLS squeal with excitement.
JILLIAN'S MOM:
So girls, here are our seats… we'll be meeting Sienna after the show!
JILLIAN:
Thank you so much for bringing us here!!!!! I love you mama!
ISABETH:
Yeah, this is,
ISABETH (voice breaking):
The best thing that's ever happened!
ISABETH starts sobbing with joy.
JILLIAN'S MOM:
Oh, honey, it's alright! Look, the lights are going down… here she comes!
ISABETH starts sobbing harder.
HUNTER:
Whoa, this girl drank a LOT of water today!
JILLIAN:
Don't say that! She's having an emotional experience!
CUT TO-
INT. STAGE. NIGHT.
Lights are going crazy on the curtain.
ANNOUNCER:
Thank you for coming! Welcome. I know why you're here, and here she is! The international pop star, singer songwriter… SIENNA!!!!!!!!!!!!
CUT TO-
SIENNA runs through the curtain, onto the stage singing. The GIRLS are screaming their little heads off. After finishing the song, she talks.
SIENNNA:
Thank you all so much for coming! I love seeing my fans, and meeting them. I've written a very special song for Delila Brooks, I met her through the Make a Wish foundation. Her mother also works for my recording company!
ISABETH:
That's for my cousin! AAAAHHHH!
CUT TO-
SIENNA singing her other songs. The GIRLS are singing and screaming. ISABETH's stopped crying by this point. Then the lights come back on, and an USHER greets them.
USHER:
Hi! I'm gonna show you guys to Sienna!
The GIRLS and JILLIAN's MOM walk with the USHER, to meet SIENNA. The GIRLS are squealing with excitement, and whispering to each other. Finally their backstage. Then, they see someone walking towards them.
SIENNA:
Hi guys! I'm Sienna! Nice to meet you! I heard you were Delila's cousin!
ISABETH (voice breaking):
Yeah. This is the best thing ever to meet you!!!!
ISABETH starts sobbing with joy.
SIENNA:
Oh, it's okay! Are you okay?
HUNTER:
She really DID drink a lot of water!
FLORA JILLIAN:
Stop it! She's having an emotional experience!
HUNTER:
When did you become my mother? Anyway, nice to meet you Sienna… I'm Hunter.
SIENNA:
Nice to meet you too… "Hunter"! Please, take my personal number. We should talk sometime!
HUNTER:
Cool!
HUNTER takes the slip of paper with Sienna's number.
JILLIAN:
Hi! I'm Jillian! This was the coolest thing I've ever done, and it's all because of you! Thanks.
SIENNA:
You guys seem just like I did when I was a kid! Here, follow me to my dressing room.
CUT TO-
INT. SIENNA’S DRESSING ROOM. NIGHT.
EVERYONE is sitting down.
SIENNA:
So, how old are you guys?
JILLIAN:
We're all 12!
SIENNA:
Cool, I'm 19. One of you guys has to have a Mac, right? Or skype? Because, we could video chat sometime, you guys seem like you're nice, and may need advice from a TOTALLY AWESOME SUPERSTAR LIKE ME? Not to toot my own horn.
ISABETH:
That be so cool!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And... I'm not crying!
SIENNA:
Okay, I have to go back to my hotel room, I'll call you guys in the morning!
GIRLS:
Okay, bye, see ya!
FADE IN-
INT. JILLIAN’S LIVING ROOM. DAY.
GIRLS are sitting around the computer, talking to SIENNA.
SIENNA:
And that's how I got stuck in a walk in closet!
HUNTER:
Great story! I like the part when the hobo gave you food!
SIENNA:
I never said that… but anyway, this was a great chat… almost time for my soundcheck. Bye!
GIRLS:
Bye!
ISABETH:
Let's go to the pool soon! Go get your stuff and meet me at the club!
FLORA:
I can't, sorry. I have to go to a family reunion, including a shower… bleh.
JILLIAN:
Oh! Sorry. See you later!
CUT TO-
CREDITS.
NEXT ONE.
Jillian says "before the end of 8th grade." Maybe you did this on purpose, but that gives them two years. Since the pact is focused on the fact that they will soon be in 7th grade, shouldn't it be the end of 7th grade?
Hunter said "nice to meet you." Hunter. Isn't Hunter basically the equivalent of Dean (especially because her name is HUNTER)? Would Dean say "nice to meet you?" No.
Alright. There's my half-decent review for this one.
Hello! Me again.
I hope I don't come across as a stalker, what with all the reviews on your stuff. I just really like reviewing screenplays, which you write a lot of.
Here we go.
First off, Isabeth said, "I'm with Julie." I'll assume that you meant Jillian.
Also, you said they're all starting middle school… yet they're in 7th grade. Most middle schools start at 6th grade, and some even start in 5th.
Their ages clash a bit with Sienna's. 12 and 19 don't mix too well. Sienna can be a lot younger, maybe 14.
When the girls meet Sienna, they seem a bit too relaxed. (Well, apart from Isabeth, obviously. XD). I get that Hunter would be like that, but Jillian and Flora would probably fangirl, and then calm down. Especially Flora, but she doesn't even say anything.
Hunter's and Flora's personalities are great. But Jillian's and Isabeth's are non-existent. Yes, Isabeth was a total fangirl, but that gives us hardly anything to base her off of. And I can not think of one single adjective to describe Jillian.
I think maybe they clicked too easily with Sienna. Most friendships start out with awkward attempts to make conversation.
I thought your screenplay was really good, and I look forward to reading the other scenes!
Hi,
So, I first read the second part of this story, but I thought it would be a good idea to come back and review the first for context. These are all really short, although I do like the second chapter a lot better than this. But unless you're aiming to write a series of shorts, these all feel too incomplete to me. Each page of screenplay should be about a minute of screen time. I think there's a lot more you can do with this premise as a whole!
Attending the concert should be the highlight of the piece, and while I like the idea behind it, I don't think that it's executed very strongly. I don't get a sense that Sienna is someone these girls idolize and adore. She also doesn't seem as fleshed out as she could be; remember, celebrities are regular people too. Instead of being all "omg hi", just have them have a serious, down-to-earth conversation. Another thing I don't understand: if the reason Izzy is getting to meet Sienna is because her cousin is sick, why are her friends backstage as well?
I would revise the opening as well. To me it's not a very compelling way to draw us into these characters and their world. When you write screenplays, you provide a skeleton for the filmmakers to then work upon. You should be as descriptive as possible, taking in everything you see in your mind. But that's crazy and awesome that you're approaching this idea; I was too scared to write anything screenplay related until about a year ago.
Best of luck!
Hi there!
So, as I'm sure you know, the most important part of a script is the dialogue. This important of course, because the story revolves around what the characters say. Setting and special effects can only take you so far (think how lame the story in Avatar was). The characters are developed through what they do and how they react to what others say. Unlike a short story or novel, a script can't describe and characterize as well.
With that being said, I think your dialogue is good. It's quite realistic and really shows how each of the characters are. I could probably get rid of the labels of who's saying what and still be able to know who is saying what. So good job with that.
I agree with barefoot about your scenes. They do seem a bit short. I feel like every time one starts, it's over just like that. Maybe you could try to combine a couple of three scenes or just lengthen them a bit.
But overall I think this is a good script. Keep up the good work. I can't wait to read more!
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Hi there and welcome to YWS! It's great here, isn't it?
So, my first piece of critique is on your format. Don't center the text and have a clear distinction between actions (she walked away) and dialogue (I don't want to go!). Some sites recommend using both italics and brackets to separate actions from the rest of the text. Check it out and find a system that works for you, because at the moment it's all together in a jumbled confusion!
Also, check out the official protocol for jumping scenes, since I'm no expert. Also remember to label your scenes.
It is also standard to list the characters and their relative roles shortly at the top of the script. For example, I'm not even sure how many people make up "the girls" and what each person's specific personality is. (In fact, beware of letting them melt into one entity, making them flat, uninteresting personally.)
Secondly, your scenes are very short and fragmented, so I'd recommend that you lengthen them a little to keep readers' interest. Also, since this is the start of the story, you need more flow between the scenes. They seem at times to have no purpose to the central plot, so you need to put in some follow-up on the pact they made. Maybe one of them finds a person they want to help, or something comes along and one of them's effort to help flops. We need to see more of that plot—the whole Sienna episode is a little off-topic and might do coming in a little later or not featuring so strongly.
So, that's it from me! Great job and keep writing on this! When the next one comes out, drop me a line and I'll come review it 
Oh, and if you ever have any questions, feel free to PM me!
barefoot
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