Young Writers Society

HELLO

So. I think the main thing that didn't really make sense was the medical part. Isabeth fell off a diving board, hit the concrete, and was unconscious for three hours. Wouldn't that kind of mean she fell on her head? For her to be unconscious, I'm pretty sure the problem would be brain damage. Ok, maybe I'm wrong, but that's what seems to make sense.

Also, the girls see Isabeth, in the hospital. She was previously unconscious. Don't you think they might be more worried? Instead they just sort of chat, like it's a completely normal day. You know, just talking with my friend, who's in the hospital, and I previously had to call 911 for. Like you do.

Hi!

So, in a lot of ways, this chapter is better than the first. I think the short scene at the pool is well-executed and suspenseful. However, there is still a lot of work that you can do with this and future chapters. A few quick technical things: firstly, you only need to write a character's name in all caps the first time you introduce them ever. After that, it's all lower case. Secondly, the switching back and forth between Flora and Hunter is confusing. Chose one name that she will be called and stick with it.

I still don't think you're using the medium fully to your advantage. A lot of your description is still really bare and I don't get much of a sense of setting. I would recommend searching for a few of your favorite movies and TV show episodes on this website. There's a lot of free scripts you can look at and read to see how it's done professionally. If you have a script that doesn't describe enough, it's going to be hard for a director to bring it to life.

I'll echo BlackNether's comment about the dialogue. It's not really all that realistic. When we write, it's easy to type whatever for dialogue and make it work. But you have to think to yourself: is this realistic? Would a real person say this? If not, it loses it's credibility. Read it out loud to yourself: does it make sense? If not, then you probably should revise it. Pay attention to conversations you have other conversations you hear and think about patterns and certain things people say in speech.

Hope to see more!

Hey thar! Black here for a review. Forgive me if I'm incomprehensible (I'm working on my NUMEROUS issues). . .

So, yes, my thoughts on this piece! First thought: Really, really, really good formatting and easy-to-read style! I really love that! It worked quite nicely. I can see something like this being played out in my head! Great visualizations. My second thought? It's got issues -but it's still quite good! I love the character's already, and I like the idea behind it all (challenge, fail, but not break).

But those issues; ouch! Oddly enough, as good as this piece is, you have SPELLING problems! I can't believe that myself . . . those definitely need working on. The other thing is that your plot is REALLY simplistic (and if you continue it then I bet I can predict things fairly well). The final and most serious problem is that your dialogue is unrealistic. It's better than most script dialogue that I've read; but it's still not right at all. Sorry.

I'll work on all three of these problems with you, but you MUST remember to put yourself to work when the time comes, and really get these problems done and taken care of! Otherwise I might as well have not reviewed you at all . . . and that would be downright sad > Oh, and forgive me if you don't take negative criticism. You're doing REALLY good. This is some of the best script that I've ever read on this site!

So, what first? I'm going to go for spelling first. Now, usually I'd give you a bunch of examples of your problems and fix them for you . . . but I find that there's better ways to do things. Today I'm going to explain the problem, show you that you really do have it, and then I'm going to give you a GENERAL solution to them. Not specific: General. Hopefully that'll help more than just fixing the problem for you! Here goes!

Most of your problem seems to be that you're typing REALLY fast and just mis-spell words -and forget to fix them. Here're a couple examples.

I think we’ll go to. Bye!
JILLIAN and FLORA leave. ISABETH goes bak to listening to her iPod.

I;m sorry, this couldn’t wait. When Isabeth, Hunter, and I were at the swim club, Isabeth fell off the diving board, onto the concrete! get over to the ER and wait for us, we’re coming in the ambulance.

Hi there!

Another great addition to this script. I'm guessing that you're going for a television show here and each of these is an episode, right? Seems pretty cool to me.

Now, I've seen a lot of television shows throw in an episode where a character gets hurt and has to go to the hospital. It makes for dramatic effect and they do it especially for comedies me thinks because they want to have people still take the show seriously. Now obviously this injury to Isabelle isn't going to effect the rest of the story because she's fine and will be getting out of the hospital soon. (Did I have a point here? Oh yeah) I think the hospital scene is a bit cliche because it seems like every show does one now, but that's what makes it work and makes for a good show. So for once
I will be giving props for someone using a cliche

Your dialogue is great once again. You did a good job staying true to your characters and creating dialogue that not only fit them but the story as well. The part I like the most was when Isabelle didn't want to get into the pool because it was all gross and germy. It reminded me of my best friend who is pretty much exactly the same way. She is completely afraid of germs like everywhere. I think it's hilarious.

I don't really have anything negative to say. I do wish that this episode could've been a little longer. I was really wrapped up in it and didn't want to stop reading. Good job with keeping me hooked! Please let me know when the next episode is up. I can't wait to read it!

keep writing!
**Noelle**