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Satsugi Gemu

by Sylar


Here is the link: https://drive.google.com/file/d/0BxlkaGVj2itcMExnRVBOb205UWM/view?usp=sharing


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59 Reviews


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Fri Apr 24, 2015 11:21 pm
Lucia wrote a review...



This was.... interesting. I noticed, first of all, that your piece had striking similarities to an anime called Sword Art Online. :D If you meant to do this, you should either label your work as a fanfiction, or at least say that it was based off of SAO.
~~~~

An ADMINISTRATOR makes his way to the front of the room, and the gamers fall silent.

Before this, there has been no mention of gamers, or even of a game. I think you should add a bit of an introduction to the beginning of your piece, just so that readers will know exactly what's going on.
Try something like this: "An anonymous programmer has sent out a summons to professional gamers from all of the country to test out his beta game. One such gamer, a girl named Adelaide, promptly accepts the summons, and files into the meeting room with the other gamers."
That way, the readers are introduced to the protagonist, and the setting without having to figure it out for themselves.

What kind of game is it? Is it a mystery? Is it a horror game? The administrator mentions in the beginning that, ".. the murderer goes after the weak first." What murderer? Is he a part of the game? Or is he the glitch that everyone mentions?

After the Administrator warns the players about the glitches, the murderer, and the possibility that they could die, none of them seem hesitant to begin the game. That's a bit unrealistic, so I would mention something about "worried faces" or someone backing out of the game.

If Oliver is the killer, why didn't he kill Adelaide when he met her? They were completely alone, and they even walked for a while before finding anyone else.

As they walk around the corner, they see five other players, including Yane. Oliver is gone.

If Oliver is gone, it should be the singular, "As Adelaide walks around the corner, she sees five other players, including Yane. Oliver is gone.", instead of the plural, "they".

Well, I, um. Okay! I'm the murderer and I made the glitch! You all caught me! I just I- I was lonely, and sad, and I wanted people to suffer because of my loneliness!

If Yane was with Oliver when Oliver killed another person, then Yane must have known about Oliver being the killer. If so, why did Yane admit to being the killer? Also, later on, Oliver had the perfect cover, because everyone thought the Yane was the killer. So why did he break his cover (before Adelaide left) and kill Yane, at the same time diverting suspicion to himself?

You never mentioned what happened to the players that were killed in the game. Did they survive and go on like nothing had happened? Or did they die in real life? In which case, why didn't people react to the bodies when they came out of the game?
Also, since we're on the topic of when they came out of the game, why weren't the police called and Yane arrested for being a psychopathic killer? True, they thought that he only killed in the game, but there were risks of people dying in real life as well.

Adelaide:
Well, at least I'm not the weakest player. Alright, let's go!


At times, I'm either not sure what the character is trying to say, or it could be said more clearly if said differently. So the dialogue could be run over and polished a bit.
~~~~~~~~

Overall, this piece could use some polishing over the dialogue and plot markers. It's not a bad idea for a story, but I think there should be an outline of causes and effects for each action the characters make.
I'm sorry if this review seems harsh, or like I'm trying to beat down on you and your writing. This is not what I meant at all. I tend to make very detailed reviews on mysteries. :)
I only meant for this review to be helpful, and I hope it was.
Keep writing! I hope to see more from you!

Cheers!




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Fri Apr 24, 2015 11:01 pm
kevin25a says...



That was a really good story, great idea to use a VR game too. Somehow I bet you have watched sword art online, considering that's exactly how season 1 started. I look forward to any similar stories you do, because that was really good.

Love the way you ended it too, was amazing. :)




Sylar says...


Thanks! And I have watched Sword Art Online :D

If you want to check out any of my other stuff just look in my portfolio!



kevin25a says...


Yep I know, yeah the way it was written made SAO kind of clear. I watched the first season and half of the second. Couldn't get the rest on my phone. It's a really good show.

I like how you ended your story too. It's what really made it so good.



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Fri Apr 24, 2015 9:37 pm
angelXOX wrote a review...



After typing all that in, I read it. Even though some of the dialogue was a little straightforward and less figurative, I thought that it was pretty decent. Actually, it was really good. I like how you ended it, even though the meat of it all could have used a tinge bit more emotion. Really, I loved it. Thanks for the read.




kevin25a says...


You know you could copy and paste the link a lot faster and easier right?



angelXOX says...


I know, but I'm such a hard worker, I decided to type it...


no, I'm just stupid




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