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12+

Band Practice

by Sylar


Here is the link: https://drive.google.com/file/d/0BxlkaGVj2itcM1VB...

And if you want to see the actual video, you can watch it here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t2q1T8J-rqw


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User avatar
28 Reviews


Points: 2839
Reviews: 28

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Wed Jul 06, 2016 5:36 pm
nwakaemechinonso12 wrote a review...



As a scriptwriter tutor for three years now, i am really impressed with the way you arranged the script, it shows you are in the business of screenwriting.

One thing i love about your script is that you followed the three act structure.

The three-act structure is a model used in screenwriting that divides a fictional narrative into three parts, often called the Setup, the Confrontation and the Resolution.

Your choice of title is awesome - it is a title every reader will want to read.

your scene heading is perfectly done - you are a professional.

The Scene Heading, sometimes called Slugline, tells the reader of the script where the scene takes place. Are we indoors (INT.) or outdoors (EXT.)? Next name the location: BEDROOM, LIVING ROOM, at the BASEBALL FIELD, inside a CAR? And lastly it might include the time of day - NIGHT, DAY, DUSK, DAWN... information to "set the scene" in the reader's mind.

The Slugline can also include production information like CONTINUOUS ACTION, or ESTABLISHING SHOT or STOCK SHOT. Here are examples of Scene Headings:

INT. BEDROOM - MORNING
EXT. LAS VEGAS STRIP - SUNSET
INT. OFFICE - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS ACTION
EXT. KEY WEST MARINA - DAWN - ESTABLISHING
EXT. PASADENA - ROSE PARADE - STOCK FOOTAGE

Generally, I an so impressed with your script but i would advice you to keep writing and make your writing more interesting.

Don't stop writing




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802 Reviews


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Reviews: 802

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Sun Nov 30, 2014 10:17 am
Dracula wrote a review...



Hello and Happy Review Day!

Okay so I read it and it's a good script, but I feel as if it's incomplete. I'd like to know how the girls go with their band, if they get popular, if they get into a big fight and break up the group, etc. Is this just part one? Anyway, I think you should definitely keep writing it so that the story develops more.

I found one little error for you to fix...
Okay then, I guess we should tart off with some ideas?
This is just a typo. You forgot the 'S' in start.

Haha I like your Gwen character. The Beatles and Queen? She has an excellent taste in music.

The way it's set out on the sheet is great, it looks just like a real script.

That's me done! Good luck with acting it out. If you are acting it out, that is. :)




Sylar says...


Thanks so much!



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1274 Reviews


Points: 37724
Reviews: 1274

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Sun Nov 30, 2014 4:03 am
niteowl wrote a review...



Hi there Syar! Niteowl here to review for the Black Knights this fine Review Day.

Now, I'll be honest, I don't know much about scripts. However, I did see some nitpicky things right off the bat, so I'll try to point those out since this is for a contest and then I'll offer some overall thoughts.

Page 1

She grabs the tea out of the microwave and sets it on a
counter when she hears her phone vibrate.


Okay, that's actually the only errors I saw.

I think the idea is good. Obviously starting a band can create a lot of conflict, and I like how this goes right to the very beginning of a band's formation, where most films would go for the "Behind the Music" style chronicles of the post-success conflicts. I also think you set up the scenery pretty well (though again, I'm not a script-writer).

What I'm less certain about is the focus of the conflict. It seems to both build up and get resolved very quickly, which makes it feel a tad superficial. I'm not sure what your word/page limits are, but maybe you could deepen the conflict a little bit. For example, maybe each girl could make logical arguments/counter-arguments for each style (e.g. everyone loves the Beatles...but they might be very hard to do well). You might also make the resolution a bit more difficult...for example, maybe Alex initially picks a song the others hate, or the song she picks is much harder than the girls initially thought.

It's also at least worth acknowledging that playing an instrument with others is much harder than playing said instrument by yourself. Even if these girls are already good at their instruments, getting a whole song to play all together takes a lot of practice. Adding some element of this (like wrong notes or one person going way too fast) would make the scene feel more realistic.

If space permits, you might want to add some more elements of conflict, or at least hint at these. Some of these include

-Getting time/space to practice...these girls seem pretty young, and it can't be easy to convince the folks to let you and your friends make loud noise for a while. This could be easily addressed in the texting part ("Dude, my parents are gone tonight, so we can practice!" or "My dad loves music so he thinks it's a great idea!"). Again, this would help make it feel more realistic.

-Who plays what/who gets to be the lead singer

-Whose instrument is better/harder/more important

-Who has original ideas they're dying to share (that may totally suck)

Overall, I think it's a fun idea, but I think the conflict could be developed a bit better. Keep writing! :)




Sylar says...


I like your idea about the texting, but I thought it was clear that Gwen was the lead singer. She was the only one that didn't play another instrument.

Thanks so much for your review (even if you are on the Black Team :P )




What orators lack in depth they make up for in length.
— Charles de Secondat, Baron de Montesquieu