YWS won't let me upload a PDF, so https://docs.google.com/file/d/0BxlkaGVj2itcYThxdVdEMmlLbTA/edit?usp=sharing
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,610 Literary Works • 672,619 Reviews
NEXT REVIEW.
"Mrs. Wilson roles her eyes."
*rolls. The other grammar error both of the people below have pointed out.
I'm pretty sure I've already given you all of my advice... UGH
Umm... On page 11, why was Adela saying "No! Can't we just, well, we can- UGH!"
That's really it...
Okay.
SEE I GAVE YOU TWO REVIEW ON THIS NOW YOU KNOW WHY THIS ONE SUCKS
Okay then. Bully
Ok, here we go.
First of all, congrats on writing a screenplay! They're pretty tough. I've tried a few times, but mine just didn't turn out right.
So, as BunnyBot already pointed out, you (or Bethany) said, "If you can make." Other than that, I saw no grammatical errors.
Next, Shira's little speech about listening. Your entire screenplay basically revolves around that. I think you should elaborate on it a bit more, because I think it's really interesting, and readers would love to hear more.
Last, you might want to give Shira a bit more character. What do we know about her? She deaf and plays the drums. But what else? She doesn't really have a personality. It's good to keep main characters somewhat neutral, but at least give her a personality of some sort.
Those are really my only critiques about your piece. I thought it was great. But, since it can't hurt, I'll add in some suggestions to help you make it even better.
Instead of Bethany and Sabrina being successful, they could be, I don't know, making minimum wage as a makeup store cashier.
Adela could make Kayla wear a fluffy, light up, party hat, or some silly party gear to their party.
I think you should change Kayla saying "Man, we really need to teach you guys ASL." Would Kayla, the stuck-up girl who uses words like any-who, say man?
Overall, great job!
P.S. I think deaf students have been accepted into Julliard before. Not sure though.
Thanks for the advice! I'm really going to use these as revisions, now I'm going to do a revise copy of the script each week!
Cool! I'll check again next week!
Google won't give me access...?
Really? Okay, I'll try to let it, um, I don't know.
I got it to work! I think . . .
Ah! Yes, it's working now. A review will be coming shortly.
Great!
I love this script. I think it has a lot of potenial with making this into a movie of sorts. You had one mistake that I don't even know if you did this one purpose or not, but you said on page 10 (bethany's second line)"If you can make, we might just have to win." I think what you wanted to say was" If you can't make it, we might just have to win." Other than that I really like it. Especially the part when you had the scenes transition from the party to the Battle of the Bands. True genius. Thank you.
Thanks!