The Pack - Chapter Two - Kaat

by SushiSashimi333, Sonder

Published September 28, 2013

12+ Violence

In The Pack

http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/work.php?id=103962 Here's a link if you haven't seen chapter one!

I feel something cold cascade down over my head and glide gently over my sore body. I love the feeling, the chill that seeps through my skin, making me feel aware for the first time. But the awareness that follows isn’t so grand. My muscles ache from all the tests they’ve run, and my brain pounds from all the drugs they’ve injected into me. I wish I could move. Escape. Find somewhere, anywhere to hide from these awful people. But all I can do is wait.

I glare at the two doctors on either side of me. What are they going to do to me now? I wonder. Chop up my limbs to see if there are any significant changes? Perhaps they will dissect my brain just to see what’s inside. But no, why stop there when there’s so much more to be done? It’s so much more fun if one is scarred for life, emotionally and physically.

I scream in agony as my skin sizzles and I can smell barbecue. I want to vomit. It feels like eternity before they finally remove the brand from my skin, watching it bubble with sick pleasure. I close my eyes trying not to focus on the pain, but that only worsens it. My attention immediately goes to where it made contact with my leg. I can feel my skin bubbling up from the heat. I can just imagine the scar that it’s going to leave.

“There. Not so bad now, is it, 5823?” I hear a voice coo from somewhere behind me.

But it is that bad. It deals far more damage than any other burn could possibly do. It’s a sign. A sign that I am no more than a number. A piece of their property. I mean nothing.

As I lye on the floor of my cell, drowning in my own sorrow and self pity, the smallest sound strikes my ears. A slight ringing sounds not far above where I lay.

I hold my breath in an attempt to make out what the commotion is. Did an experiment go wrong? Is someone dying? Did someone manage to escape? The last thought struck me, causing my hopes to go out of control. What if someone escaped? Will they come back? Do they know I’m here? Will they save me?

“Why the worried face, 5823? Did you hear something?” I look to the source of the voice. Behind me kneels a man, well into his forties. A stupid grin creases his stress wrinkled face and his breath reeks from too many hours of overtime. Little flecks of meat and cheese are hidden within his bushy black mustache and I shudder.

“Don’t you have some more illegal tests to run, Hyde?” I hiss back.

His eyes widen at my hostile state, feigning shock. “Well then, I guess that means you aren’t too bad off.”

Then, turning his head, he yells at a woman, “Bring me the sedative so that we can keep her quiet until the order for release is given.” Release. So I really am just an animal to them.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m happy to be out of here, but if it’s for their purposes then I really am just like a dog, foolishly following its owner’s every command. The cell door before me starts to sway. What am I to do with my life? Should I just give up here and let them throw my corpse down the chute?

No!

What am I thinking? Why should I let them commandeer my life? If I escaped of my own accord then I will no longer be their little dog that did what they wanted. No. I will be my own person.

Gathering all my strength, I manage to rise from the cold cement floor beneath me. Warmth floods my once cold body, like spring melting away the winter frost. I close my eyes, bracing my body for the intense pain that will come when I get up.

In and out. In and out. I concentrate on breathing and open my eyes. The cell seems brighter than I remember it, but that doesn’t matter. From the corner of my eye I sense movement and turn to see Hyde walking towards me in slow motion.

Why is he walking so slowly? I wonder. Perhaps he just wants to aggravate me. I smirk. Good luck making it out of this alive.

I don’t know what brings about my sudden burst of arrogance, but I lunge for the rusted iron bars before me. They aren’t widely spaced, but somehow I make it out without a hitch. Looking over my shoulder, I see the bars bent and broken, some tangled within others. Wonder what happened there.

My entire body is numb, including my brain. I can’t think straight. I feel like I’m in a dream, a never-ending nightmare.

The doctor is still making his way over to me. His eyes widen at the same sluggish pace upon seeing me out of my prison. I strike the nerves between his shoulder and neck, knocking him to the ground. He even seems to fall slowly.

I sprint for the stairs. How long has it been since I’ve run like this, walked like this, moved like this? Weeks? Months? Years even! Despite not having any exercise for who knows how long I am able to sprint up the stairs with ease, two at a time.

As I climb higher and higher up the building the stairs change from cement to marble. When I finally reach the ground floor I can hear the alarm bells ringing with a metallic echo that grates on my ears. I am tempted to cover my ears so that I don’t have to hear this dreadful clamour, but then something else reaches my ears. It’s a heartbeat. It’s faint and far away, so it’s really a wonder that I can hear it, but it gives me hope.

It’s warm and steady. I can hear breathing too. Why could I not hear this before? Is it because I was too busy drowning in misery? Pity? Pain? Either way, I can hear it now, and I want to get closer to it, I want to get out.

I turn right then left and stop. Which direction can I hear this single heartbeat best? Where is it coming from? I run right and am rewarded by a giant glass door, light shining through in an array of colors, and it’s not artificial. It’s the sun.

I can feel its warmth flooding through me. I open the big glass door, and step out into the cool, sunny day. A breeze gently caresses my worn body.

I feel alive.

Chapter three - http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/work.php?id=104945

Comments & reviews · 9
User avatar
KnightTeen
Review
KnightTeen wrote a review Review · Jan 26, 2014

I'm sorry that I haven't been reviewing, but I promise you that I have been reading! Really I have!

*goes to hide in a corner in shame*


I love the way that you write. I don't really know how to describe it, but the whenever I read this, I feel like I am the character. Like the character and the places and the situation is a part of me, and I can see it clearly in my head.

You guys did a wonderful job of separating narrative from internal thoughts. I always have a hard time with that, particularly in my NaNo project where I wrote a blind main character.
But the way that you guys did it is flawless, the transition is perfect and there is enough narrative verses enough thoughts to keep it balanced.

Really, there is nothing bad I can say about this other than: WHY ISN'T IT LONGER????

It's so powerful given how short it is (Not criticizing, just saying). You're really good authors.

Although, I have to ask; What is with the alternating chapters in your portfolios?
Did you guys decide to do that or is that just how it all worked out?

That's all for now. I'm off to review some more.

Happy Review Day!

barefootrunner wrote a review Review · Oct 10, 2013

Hi there again! Another quick review. :)

Firstly, spelling and grammar … and a couple of other beasties:
A few small errors here.

“There. Not so bad now, is it,5823?” I hear a voice coo from somewhere behind me.

You left out the space. Also … is it just coincidence that this number is the exact reversal of the one in the previous chapter?

As I lay on the floor of my cell, drowning in my own sorrow and self pity, the smallest sound strikes my ears. A slight ringing sounds not far above where I lay.

The classic lay-lie problem. You lay a table. You lay a baby in his cot. But you LIE in bed. You LIE down on the ground.
Okay, now, here's the tricky part. The past tense of LIE is also LAY. Yesterday, you lay in bed. Yesterday, you lay down on the ground. HOWEVER: You are lying in bed. You were lying down on the ground. WHEREAS: You were laying a table. You were laying a baby in his cot. Yup, definitely confusing.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m happy to be out of here, but if it’s for their purposes then I really was just like a dog, foolishly following its owner’s every command.

Watch that past tense! I really AM just like a dog.

If I escaped of my own accord then I would no longer be their little dog that did what they wanted.

Once more, tense.

Warmth floods my once cold body, like Spring melting away the Winter frost.

No capitals for spring and winter.

Okay, with that done … let's get on with character development:
This time, I'm not as impressed as in your last chapter. Your two characters appear, so far, very similar in character. This could be okay if you plan to develop them properly later, but beware for the usual flat action character. They're not vessels of action, but living, breathing … er, non-humans? With personal likes and distastes in any case. So be sure to bring that sort of thing in later!

Plot:
Ah, I'm getting it now. Good development here. It's formed a real thick rope now, perfectly visible and shiny. Just be sure to spin in a few delicate sub-plots to keep it interesting, since your main line is very strong.

Style and tone:
Here, watch out for the melodramatic. So much blood, so much cold liquid and so many archetypical baddies. I felt slightly nauseous at your cold-blooded descriptions of pain and injury. Maybe some light relief would be in order? Don't get me wrong—this ain't no laugh, but think about popular teen works. There is always a little humour involved, a light sprinkling here and there. It doesn't even have to be funny. Just something atypical is enough to spark interest. Instead of the takeaways in Hyde's mustache grossing our main character out, maybe they make her hungry. Maybe some of the researchers have a little compassion, but are kept down by the others. Maybe … .

Good work on the plot, good work on the action, but lift up character development and detail for a more sophisticated balance.

Keep writing!

barefoot

Hey! Thanks for another awesome review! I actually had no idea about the reversed numbers O_O Grif came up with them and I don't like thinking all that much XD Anyways, I shall definitely take these into order and more humor will be on the way. Just wait until you see chapter four, something we both look forward to writing greatly. Character development might be a little hard for this because we're writing from four different character perspectives, but we shall definitely focus on that a bit more. Thanks again for the review!

Sonder replied · Oct 10, 2013

Yep, thanks barefoot!

Awesome! I'm looking forward to seeing more of you!

User avatar
nmgreenslade
Review
nmgreenslade wrote a review Review · Oct 9, 2013

This is definitely as amazing as your last chapter! The description is great and is really detailed; you have me hooked once again. I honestly can't see anything wrong with it and your writing definitely flows. I could imagine everything clearly. The way you describe what the character is thinking and feeling makes your character almost feel real. I am looking forward to reading your next chapter and seeing what happens next! :)

So glad you like it! I hope the next chapter impresses you just as much :D

User avatar
naominana
Review
naominana wrote a review Review · Oct 9, 2013

Amazing, once again. I like how everything is so... real and you can relate to the story.
What I want to know is what happened between the two chapters. First, he opened the door. And now he's captured? What?
Also, you had an extremly slight punctuation error that I found eheh...
-is it,5823?”- should be -is it, 5823?”-,
but that's alright because you are an amazing decriber. Also, how does she know Hyde and brains and torture when she, at the start, did not know 'anything'?
But that's me being picky.

Oh! Actually this is a different person. At the beginning of every chapter in the title there is Wolfe, Kaat, Fawkes or Newt. Those are each different characters. We shall hop onto all your other points and thanks!

User avatar
Liaya
Review
Liaya wrote a review Review · Sep 30, 2013

Well, you guys just completed another awesome chapter! Well done! You really have captured my imagination with your book here. The words flow beautifully and your character is feeling pretty real. As far as grammar goes, you did very well. I noticed one spot; "A slight ringing sounds not far above where I lay." This just sounds...awkward. My suggestion would be to change it to "I can hear a slight ringing sound not far above where I lay" or something like that. Anyway, you've done a great job and I'm excited for the next chapter!

Sonder replied · Oct 9, 2013

Thanks again!

InfiniteSnowfall wrote a review Review · Sep 29, 2013

Hi again!

Sorry it has taken me so long to review this. I didn't forget about it, I promise! Anyway, this is close to flawless! Having two amazing writers collaborating makes the story somewhat hard to critique since you're both revising and editing it. I assume...

However, I did find one thing that was not already mentioned below.

Warmth floods my once cold body, like Spring melting away the Winter frost.

I just want to say real quick that this sentence is a really nice simile. :) All right - the critique:

~ Spring and winter do not need to be capitalized. It only needs to be capitalized when it's the beginning of the sentence.

That's - believe it or not - is the only critique that I have. I only wish that there was a little more information on what was going on. I know she's escaping from some sort of cruel facility, but that's about it.

Also I'd like a little bit more imagery/description. I think adding in a dash of each would make a world's difference.

Great job on the second chapter, Sushi & Griffin! I'll be sure to check out the next chapter in Griffin's portfolio whenever you post it. Happy Review Day and keep writing! :D

Yours till the Chocolate Chips,
Snow

I was actually wondering about that! Thank you so much, I shall remember that forever and ever (maybe XD) Glad you liked it. I shall go back and see where I can fix things ^_^

No problem! I just searched it up on Google real quick haha.

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Mardehoward
Review
Mardehoward wrote a review Review · Sep 29, 2013

Hi! It's Marde here to make your review! First I wanted to say that this story is awesome! Now, lets do what I came here for.

"From the corner of my eye I sense movement and turn to see Hydewalking towards me in slow motion."

OK, this is a little insignificant, but between "Hyde" and "walking" you girls should add that space you missed.

This story has a very good, soft and unique way of moving around. You know how to make the story flow in a way that both captivate and lure the readers. This story's technique of creating tension is quite amazing. You leave us wondering so much stuff. That's totally incredible, guys! Making confused, exited and interested in the story are all difficult to acquire, but you girls accomplish that! Rock on!

Continue writing together and coming up with these incredible ideas, you deserve a high five! So... *high fives Sushi and griffin* Remember notifying me when the next chapter comes out!

Keep up the good work! ;)

Hai! I'm so glad that you like it! It took a really long time since I've been busy lately, but tennis will end soon so we should be moving just a bit faster now. We will definitely make sure to notify you when the next chapter is up ^_^ Expect it around next review day or so.

Sonder replied · Sep 29, 2013

Thanks Marde!

User avatar
Messenger
Review
Messenger wrote a review Review · Sep 29, 2013

Here for review #2.
The next bit is pretty good. I am glad that she finally broke out of their. i noticed a couple words jammed together. I believe one was Iwalked. but other than that it looks good! Excited to see where this book goes; I believe it will get very interesting (it always is) very fast.
Keep it up!

Review Day review #2. !!!!

Sonder replied · Sep 29, 2013

Thanks!

User avatar
Messenger
Review
Messenger wrote a review Review · Sep 12, 2013

Alright! glad to be back to this story. glad that we at least know what gender this character is. :) This just adds more to the question list. Who is this person? Why is SHE here? What are the doctors doing with her? Is she going to meet up with the other character form chapter 1? I'm guessing she will.
Anyway, great writing, your writing all seems smooth and easy to understand. I hope to see the rest soon.!
Keep it up!



Remember: when people tell you something’s wrong or doesn’t work for them, they are almost always right. When they tell you exactly what they think is wrong and how to fix it, they are almost always wrong.
— Neil Gaiman