Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

Arisa, the fire dancer; Marya, the wind tamer; Avi, the earth shaker; Remy, the wave maker. Four children gifted with immortality and power over the four elements. Elementals, the people called them. Each hailed from an ancient civilization, unique in their own ways.

Mulciber, Anima, Terra, and Lympha, these were the villages that they called home. In a single night they all disappeared. No one knew why or where they went, but they did know one thing. They weren't coming back.

Lilith flexed her muscles, checking to see how compatible her new body was. It responded just like any other. It wasn't bad and it wasn't good, it would have to do. It was time to begin...

Whooooa. Very interesting start! I like it a lot though I believe it's the writing itself that prevented me from fully getting into the story. For starters, I felt like your wording you match the atmosphere of your story. This prologue has a very mystical and supernatural feel to it so I would suggest that you write this in a way that doesn't sound so modern or associated with nowadays. Other than that, I enjoyed reading this and I can't wait to read more of this! You're sparked my interest! Nice job! -IceWinifredd

Hello there, going to give you a short review as I promised!

First of all, even though this is very short, I got drawn in when I read about the Elementals. I love elementals, I kind of used them in my own prologue in the first two paragraphs.

The first things I thought about when I read about the children, was that this would be either a story where they have a quest, or that they have been ''kidnapped'' or have been forced to leave the place.

Either way the story goes, I think this is a nice and short prologue that has a great potential!

- Zontafer

Hey Dreamer here for a review. At first I thought it was a little weird that you started off that way but it made me totally want to read more. Once I read the rest I was so not dissapointed. I think you have a wonderful idea going for you and I can't wait to read more. How did you come up with these names? They are so unique and personally I don't know how you could remember all of them. I'm wondering who is Lilith? I don't see her listed in the beginning. Good Job Good Luck and keep on writing can't wait to read more

Hey Sushi, that's a damn good prologue. I'm sorry if my review is shorter than some of the monstrosities of things I see below :O but I'm working off a tablet...
To begin, I really liked the way you started. Giving each child titles, that was cool, you're already building a nice mysterious atmosphere. I do think you could have built upon that 'ancient civilization', because that's seriously class maybe you could have said 'Each hailed from an ancient civilization, they were unique in their own ways and revered by those who knew of them.' it didn't have to be big, I just felt like it was missing something.
I liked how you started the second paragraph, giving out another four names. It was sweet how you made the earth shaker's village Terra. kudos. Here I think you could have added in a bit too. Maybe 'No one knew why they went, they had no enemies. No one knows where they went, they simply vanished. But they did know one thing, the elemental were not coming back.' Just little things to make your prologue longer as well as spice it up a bit I like how you added Lilith in, I'm not going to delve into something unimportant about the name's background though, I'm a reviewer today, not a historian. But I like the way you added her in, out of the blue. Maybe you could have added something else too, some landscape, something. Like 'Deep in the bowels of an underground crypt a freshly dead body woke up. She rose to her feet noiselessly, careful not to wake the dead around her. As she stood in the dark, the smell of decomposing bodies filling her nostrils, she flexed her muscles, checking the compatibility of her new body. It responded just like any other. It wasn't bad and it wasn't good, it would have to do. Lilith smiled, it was time to begin...'
You don't have to take anything from that, I was just giving an example and got on a roll. Too much pride to delete it But you get my point, there's so much that could be added in, so much to give better imagery even in such a small paragraph. I also get the feeling Lilith and the elementals will have a 'confrontation' at some point and I really want to see that I'm guessing Lilith is powerful? Certainly powerful enough to spend a paragraph on right after the one on the elementals :O I'll try to read the rest when I get time, can't wait. In the mean time, your grammar was excellent, it sounds like a really good story and you're writing is great. It has a nice flow, just missing some depth, as I gave examples of above. Hope the review helped in some way, if I offended the story with my own ideas, my apologies
Keep writing,
Yours in ink,
TS.

Lilith, the name of the Queen of Demons in certain mythology. Gotta say that rings perfect. Not sure if you knew that about the history behind the name Lilith, but eh whatever, now you do lol.

Anyways, the four elementals, if they aren't coming back, why not? Or rather where did they go? Most likely those two questions can't be answered, cuz I'm guessing the elementals might not have been character's that you wanted to talk about alot. Minor or passing characters or whatever people call them I forget.

Anyways good write, should be headed to the next chapters in a bit. It's damn 3:00 AM here.

Later.

So, really mysterious beginning, I'll be moving onto chapter 1.

I am in love with the prologue. It has a mysterious sense to it, which being a teen I can say, attracts young readers from ages 10-27. It just seemed quite random to add Lillith at this point in the story. It also confused me how she corresponded with the passage in italics. So minus the confusion from where Lillith comes in the story, but it makes me want to read further in to the lives of the characters so props for that! You have some great potential and keep writing!

Hey there!

Alright, I'll make this short since it's a short prologue!

First of all, rather interesting in general, makes me want to know about them more, the fact that you put so little info makes me want to read to find out, only there's nothing else to read(here)

As someone mentioned before, the lack of description makes their disappearance a little dim, but I can guess that they will be important to the story.

I do agree however, that this seems more like something you would put in the back of a book, instead of an actual prologue

Off to read your first chapter

This prologue's very interesting and intriguing. However, it's a bit short and slightly confusing, maybe due to the shortness of it. It feels like three random paragraphs or a teaser you'd put on the front of a book instead of the beginning of a novel; but the paragraphs are very well-written and make me excited about reading this novel.
I don't understand how the villagers knew that the children weren't coming back. Had children went missing before? I might add a bit of detail there.
Of the four titles, 'fire dancer' and 'wind tamer' have the most imagery. I might suggest changing the other two to be more memorable, but it's just a suggestion.
Thanks for telling me about this; I can't wait to read the other chapters! Hope this review helped.
-tgirly

SUSHI!
GriffinClaw, here for a short review for a short piece.

First off, this is a great hook. It made me want to continue reading and find out more about these characters. Good job.
Onto the nitpicks.

Arisa, the fire dancer; Marya, the wind tamer; Avi, the earth shaker; Remy, the wave maker. In a single night they all disappeared. Four children gifted with immortality and power over the four elements. Elementals, the people called them. Each hailed from an ancient civilization, unique in their own ways.

Mulciber, Anima, Terra, Lympha, these were the villages that they called home. In a single night they all disappeared. No one knew why, or where they went, but they did know one thing, they weren't coming back.

Lilith flexed her muscles, checking to see how compatible her new body was. It responded just like a normal human body should. The body wasn't bad, but it wasn't the best either, it would have to do. It was time to begin...

First of all... I am so terribly, terribly sorry that I didn't get this in to you sooner. I have been incredibly busy lately and was gone for a week. That's my bad. Please except this humble apology.

*Ahem*

Now then....

I tried to read through everyone else's reviews but honestly, there are so many of them! I don't know how you got this thing to be so popular but at any rate, my hat is off to you.

PROS

The concept of Lilith trading bodies and "trying out" her current/new one is quite an original concept. It's not something I've seen before, and I definitely think you could do a lot with this.

I was a bit confused with this though:

It responded just like a normal human body should.

Hey there, SushiSashimi, I noticed you linked this piece in Team Fire Flower's forum, and so I've come to check it out and review it for you as a fellow Team Fire Flower member! You'e got a lot of feedback already so I'm not sure how useful I'll be, but I promise to try my best to help you improve what you have here at the moment. I won't bother with nit-picks because they're a little time consuming and not overly beneficial, so I'll just begin with what I like about your prologue and then move on to find any critiques and suggestions I can come up with.

Okay so firstly, I think you have a very intriguing concept and idea here. Now I have to admit that these kinds of stories aren't usually my favourite kind because I'm not a massive lover of fantasy, but I must say that you've got me interested. That's awesome considering this kind of thing isn't usually my taste, so really well done on that. I also think this prologue is very creative with the names of the 'four children' and the names of the villages, and I'm a little jealous because when it comes to that kind of creativity, I am terrible. Definitely a nice job overall, and I do think that this prologue has a lot of potential, and that it's the beginning of a novel with a lot of potential too.

With regards to critiques, everything I can really think of has been mentioned already really. I want to avoid sounding really repetitive by repeating every single thing everyone else has said, so I do have one or two things no one's properly mentioned or gone into detail about. The first critique I have for you is regarding the last paragraph of this, and while this is admittedly partly a case of personal opinion, I don't think it's very well suited in this prologue. I see why you've included it here in this prologue, but it doesn't really sound like it fits for me, to be honest. I'm tempted to suggest you just put it into the first chapter instead because the style and feel of it is noticeably different to the style and feel of the previous paragraphs.

I'm assuming Lilth is going to be one of the Element children, right? If that is the case, I do see how this last paragraph connects to the rest of it, but in a way, that sort of bugs me because it's a little obvious. Because you've just talked about these children and what they do, I've immediately guessed that Lilth is one of these children. Why else would she randomly be in the prologue? If you want it to be obvious and for all your readers to guess, then you can just keep this as it is, but if you want more of a mystery surrounding Lilth then I would suggest maybe putting that paragraph into the first chapter. That way, your readers won't be so quick to assume she's one of the Element children because in their minds, the story has moved on.

Something else I want to mention is the length of this. I know, I know, prologues are meant to be short and mysterious, but I do think you have to be careful not to make them too short and mysterious. I'm not asking you to write a 10,000 word prologue that explains every single thing in detail, but I do think this would benefit from being a little more detailed and a little longer. It's around 100 words at the moment, so I don't think there'd be much harm in extending it to 500 or so words.

Something I feel you could give more detail on, for example, is the whole situation where the Element children disappeared. As it stands, they literally disappear in a night, and maybe I'm just being really picky here but that seems too easy for my liking. It's kind of like if someone had a character in their novel who they get bored of and instead of killing said character off properly, they just write that said character simply disappeared and never came back. I do see why you've made it that way though, so I won't stress on that too much. One thing I definitely do think you can go into more detail about regarding their disappearance though is to maybe describe the villagers reactions. Did they panic? Did they try searching for these children? Did they think they'd run away? Been taken?

Now I know mystery is good in a prologue and by not answering the questions above, you're creating mystery. While that is true, I can't help feeling that you're creating too much mystery and that it's just leading to confusion really. While you want your readers to be intrigued and to question what's going on, you should probably avoid confusing them and leaving them feeling a bit empty of information by the end of your piece. It's not a massive issue really because hey, it's a prologue and prologues are mysterious, but it is something I think you should consider.

And I think that's about it. Everyone else has covered any other critiques of mine, so I won't be all annoying and repeat them. Despite my critiques and suggestions, I do think that you have a very fascinating concept here with a bucket load of potential. I'm definitely intrigued to find out what happens in the first chapter, and it will probably end up being my next review. If you have any questions or comments regarding this review, just let me know via my wall, via a PM, or by replying to this review. Whatever suits you.

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins

Hey, this piece of work is superb. I really like it and want to know more about it.Please keep writing. You've great potential.

Here to review!

Boy this is short. I'll have to write in a whole bunch of filler words and stuff like that I'll just have to be all big and grammatical and stuff.

So, Aquestioning here to review this prologue for you today because you wanted it reviewed, so let's begin!

So, why is the first part italicized? Is it someone, like a narrator, speaking to the reader? Are you going to do more like this italicized part? So, onto some nitpicks, because since this is short, that's all I can really do for you. Remy's name is different than the others because his/her's is not started with an 'A.' Did you do this on purpose, maybe to mark that she's different than the rest?

So, the last paragraph kind of threw me off and shook the sturdiness of this short prologue by feeding me information that did not correlate in any way to the two paragraphs before that. Did she write that part or something? I don't know. Maybe fix your presentation of her and give more details just to make the prologue longer on that part and flesh out the character a bit more.

Overall, I like it, and it made me want to read more, which most prologues really fail to do. I will review the first chapter soon, and remember to write more!

Hope this helped, even if a little,
Quest

The prologue definitely sparked my interest and I wanted to continue reading it. The introduction is good because it's straight to the point and right away we know what or who we are dealing with although not too much information is given out at this point.
This would urge readers to continue reading it so kudos for that
This is a really good start to a novel and the idea that a body may not be compatible with its inhabitant is an original idea that I am glad you've explored.
I have really enjoyed reading this and the cliff hanger at the end is bound to spark the interest of readers everywhere.
I do wonder however if this piece was inspired by Avatar and the different benders?
Other than that I have no criticisms; it's a well written piece and it's interesting. Good job!

I love this! Great work! I will thoroughly enjoy reading this, I bet! The only bad thing I can find in this piece is "The bodywasn't" should be "The body wasn't" that's all! This is fantastic! Oh, one more thing, which village were each of them from? Besides that, it's great!

wow! this prologue is short and interesting.......i like it. honey! i like the names of the villages!

Hello!
Your story idea looks really interesting; kind of like Avatar the last airbender with its different elemental powers.
I also noticed your super representational names of characters and places- my name is Tara,
so I totally no what its original form means.
Anyways all I wanted to say was loved your story idea <3

Hello,

I am also writing a fantasy novel about Elementals so I was really interested in reading your prologue. I immediately noticed that you take a lot of time and care when choosing the names of your characters and your settings which I think is such a genius thing to do with a subject like the elements!

Even though I like that it's sharp and quick to the point, I would have liked to have seen more background information about the land and maybe something about the relationships between the elements. Do they work together? Or sworn enemies?

GOOD LUCK.

Feel free to look at my first chapter!!

Originally I thought this was turning out to be a poem, thank goodness it didn't because as I was reading I thought "how good would this be as a story". There is definitely promise here. Your use of language really gives it a warm feeling. It makes it like one of those stories that people read about local legends. You know, the stuff that people get excited to read.

Also your information is very precise and compact. I don't think a single word is wasted. In those two first short paragraphs you have given enough details to satisfy pointless questions whilst making readers keen to find out more. Also I like how the third paragraph drops hints of unique things as well. Like the part about her new body and whether it is compatible. I am always up for weird worlds where those kind of things are messed up.

My only two criticisms would be that it is not long enough. Even if it was double the amount above, I think it could do with more. I am not sure why you did it like this, maybe you were just putting this out to see people's reactions so you can decide whether to continue or not. Also the second criticism is that I would have liked some more description. The start where you say things like "Arisa, the fire dancer" is good. So for the second paragraph where you name the villages maybe you could have continued that trend and by doing so given us some kind of description of the villages or even their original location before they went missing. Of course I get the fact that they have gone missing and that you might want to keep things about them very secretive for the time being.

Kudos on the cliff hanger ending. Like I already said you do a good job of drawing interest and that ending only increases this longing from the readers. I would like to see more on this. I hope you do continue writing this. If you do decide to continue this, notify me when the next chapter is up.

Remy, the water master

Ooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhh I am HOOKED! Nice job!
But I have one question, were the words in italics Lilith's thoughts, or where they just information so that the reader would know what is happening? Or both?

Anyways, I don't see anything wrong with this...

I can't wait to read the rest!

- Wonder