Published January 7, 2006
oh woe is me!
i behold the world one last time
but all i see
is dirt and grime
what ever happened to generosity?
everyone is greedy
revealing they are total monstrosities
turning a blind eye to the needy
of which i am one of
maybe my death will wake them up
perhaps it will show them love
mayhaps the closed valves that are there tear ducts will finally erupt
Good bye cruel world!
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I believe it is just 'mayhap', unless of course I am mistaken...
Okay the first line has been used over and over, maybe think of something original.
That is sad satirical poem. Wanna get published, perhaps?
You should work as a comedity writer!
That was hilarious, write more!
HA! Suicide poetry is so fun to make fun of. I love the clichéd lines and everything.
Howver, I would think it clever to mock some of the suicide poetry today. For example, your first lines are very strong, but then the rhyming and everything make it seem less funny, if that makes any sense. Humor is delicate... you have to be humorous without being totally obvious. In this case, you're being too obvious.
What I would suggest is to look at some of the suicide poetry and stories of this site. What do you notice from those writings? Any patterns? Then look at it just a little bit more closely. Why do you think this brand of poetry, which prides itself on being morbid, is funny? Think about it. Is it the dark tone by a bunch of anguishing teenagers who probably have never experienced pain? Look at it indepth, and you'll probably realize what it is that bugs you. Then write about it.
Happy writing!
I don't love it and I don't hate it. I do, however, like the rhyming scheme, but the concept has been horribly overdone, and I think that you're taking the concept a little lightly. To actually understand what it is like to contemplate suicide, you need to put yourself into that mindset; this is definitley a subject that you need to do justice to. It's absolutely necessary that you make it longer and delve deeper into the reasons of why someone would go to these lengths to get the world's attention. The other thing is, check over the grammar, and is "mayhaps" a word? That entire second last sentence doesn't make sense unless you change the grammar; check out the difference between "they're", "their" and "there". That should help. Well, that's all I've got right now. Overall, if you change it up properly, it will be better.