Young Writers Society

Not too much of a review here -- I'd just reiterate what others were saying. The dialogue is forced, and the interaction between Leo and the soldiers doesn't work that well. Solid writing as always, but like Jiggs, I'd like to see some more snapshots of how the world is different. I liked how the soldiers almost revealed the big secret to Leo. It intrigued me. I'm with Blink on the use of description -- this is a first draft so it's forgiveable to want to get the story down and not focus too much on the description itself -- but hopefully when you edit you can include some nice imagery.

Anyway, just to let you know I'm still reading on.

O.o - I tells ya. this is a case of you, the writer, recognising that the soldier is overplaying this. In fact, that whole line is you, talking to yourself. Because you are, in fact, overplaying it. Which is kind of ironic :p It's not something someone would say in this instance. 'Leo shifted awkwardly, uncomfortable beneath the praise' or something of that nature, would easily convey his unease. It was also an attempt by you, I think, to draw out the conversation - the more the soldier overplays it, the more there is to talk about, argue over, etc.

The poor lighting gave the vehicle a gloomy feeling, one that Leo didn’t necessarily agree with.

‘Damnit guys, someone say something,’ Jaffe said eventually. ‘You, kid: how are you feeling?’

Leo looked at him. ‘Right. Whatever. I think you might be overplaying this a little.’

Just shut up, or I swear [s]to Hell[/s] I’ll rip your tongue out.’

‘You just told him were we’re going.’

Blink:

Woah, epic review indeed. You da man, man.

You need to post a story sometime, cos I'm starting to feel guilty about getting all these awesome reviews from you and having nothing to give back. =(


Griffinkeeper:

Thanks also. ^_^ I agree, my dialogue is horribly forced. I need try to fix that in the edit and in future chapters.

Some sentences that bothered me:

The poor lighting gave the vehicle a gloomy feeling, one that Leo didn’t necessarily agree with. He was alive, and the soldiers had said they’d help him. This was a [s]notable[/s] step-up in conditions from twenty minutes ago, when he had been expecting to be shot. His current non-naked status also gave him cause to celebrate.

'Tis back! And be epic I shall.

Just the nitpicks first:

It was dark inside, even with the lights switched on.
Right now, I don't know if it's because the vehicle simply has no windows, or because it's nightfall or they're travelling through a dense rainforest. Either way, a word or too would be helpful.

Leo was sat on one and two soldiers were sat on the other. Private Rasoon and Private Jaffe.
Would a colon work better than that first full stop? I'm all for fragments (FTW) but they seem a little lonely when such an easy edit would join them together.

It was an awkward silence, but one that didn’t bother Leo. Let them feel awkward.
It's a slight viewpoint change here. This part's written from Leo's, so he shouldn't know whether they feel awkward. HINT: Perhaps he could tell from how they couldn't look at him.

The sound was almost drowned out by the growl of the truck’s engine, which was loud even in the back.
... Where the engine probably is?

‘Damnit guys, someone say something,’ Jaffe said eventually.
Something other than said + adverb would work better. Did he exclaim it? Or finally splutter out? This suggestion goes with 'eventually' being too many syllables for my liking, also.

‘You, kid: how are you feeling?’
I'll come back to dialogue a bit later on, but the last phrase is too robotic and in-your-face. Who actually says that anyway? "How are you?" or "What ya thinking?" could reflect his character a bit better, or give something you're more likely to hear.

‘“Just fine,”’ Jaffe repeated.
Seems too out of place. Would you repeat something another said? I tend to hear it more when a character says his own dialogue twice. Something more scorning like 'mocked' could be a good replacement.

It’s just that, in your position, I wouldn’t be coping [s]as well as you[/s].
A bit of annoying repetition. Something simpler like: 'I wouldn't be coping so well.' might play its part better. Besides, do we know he's 'coping so well'? Sure, there's the bit where he feels lost and alone, and says something else to the soldiers, but in the narrative I'd recommend actually pointing out that he's trying to push aside his emotions in forcing himself to believe that he'll picked up from wherever he's going. On that note, does he wonder where's he going?

‘Yes,’ Leo said, ‘you saw them.’
Just lol.

‘Hey, he’ll be there in five minutes,’ Jaffe said.
We'll fits better. Are they are not going too?

He frowned, but didn’t say anything. Rasoon relaxed back again. No one said anything for a while.
Whether the repetition was intended or not, it doesn't work. If you want it to be effective, cut out the middle sentence or better still, cut off the 'but didn't say anything'. Simply by not writing any dialogue for him, we know that he didn't say anything.

Rasoon’s closed his eyes
Is there a reason his closing his eyes is possessive?

back of the vehicle like [s]long-term[/s] prisoners from a dungeon, shrinking from the light.
Nice simile, but the long-term kills it. It's hard to imagine short-term prisoners, and besides, it adds clutter.

‘Of course, I’d heard about that.
I've.

The smiled disappeared as fast as it had appeared.
That's either 'smile' or 'smile had'. Either way, how fast did it appear in the first place? *picky*

He had assumed that the soldiers would contact his parents so they could come pick him up.
I'm assuming the fact that he is at a fort with soldiers and a miserable colonel doesn't make him think?

‘Great,’ Jaffe muttered. He looked at Leo. ‘Are you going to follow him or what?’
Leo turned, and followed the Lieutenant-Colonel’s footsteps.
Really, it's like Simon Says. The last 'followed' could be changed to something nice like 'did just that'.

‘Apparently so,’ he said to himself.
I think it's unnecessary; don't force-feed us.

the ceiling created the impression that there were actually underground
Because normal buildings have no ceilings. Don't worry, I get what you're saying, but would he have not noticed that he was under ground when he descended a load of steps, or better still, when he enters the fort!

with the crushing weight of the world above their heads.
I love that =P

Their footsteps echoed in the corridor as they walked. Around the next bend, the corridor ended and was replaced by another door. The Lieutenant-Colonel led Leo through it, and suddenly they had left behind the gloominess of the corridor.
Are they, by any chance, in a corridor? The first one's fine, but to eliminate the second just use 'it' and the final might have the entire last sentence rewritten to suit, and for more effect. How about: The Lieutenant-Colonel led Leo through it, and suddenly the gloominess was behind them. Not as forced, not too much emphasis. On the same accord, don't worry about having strong lines halfway through a chapter--you can have important transitions wherever you like.

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I always spend far too long on nitpicks, and the irony is, the more pointed out the more likely you are rewrite the entire passage anyway Now, you wanted to get feedback on...

DIALOGUE

Before I go onto specific examples any my advice for you, I'm going to go general. Think: Sureal is Leo. Yes, you are Leo. Don't worry about Mary-Sewage, since characters are a part of you anyway. What would you say in a conversation? If it helps, talk to yourself, or rather, to a mirror, in which you are Sureal and the reflection is Leo. It can even be as simple as engaging in activities such as script-writing, to build up your skills between two people conversing. Try being your soldiers and getting across the emotions; make Leo weep, or hate, enraged, all through the power of saying things that don't sound too robotic. If all that sounds too corny and generic (like I predicted) then just think about what the characters are actually saying.

Make the conversation in the van longer, drag it out, and give it a topic. There's no overlying discussion as far as I can see, just a few lines, some intended for excessive humour (which work, and are funny, honestly!) but are too clearly just added at a spur of the moment. Maybe Leo and the colonel are talking on the way into the underground? Aside this, don’t rely on the old ‘where am I going, when, why, how, it’s a secret’ etc, that most characters in most books say.

A lot of what you have already written is great, but it lacks that freedom and it's not awful. Dialogue always reflects characters and it includes simple things like your commas and contractions. It's never just about dialogue either. Revert back to your narrative, see if the mood is captured correctly then fit it against the dialogue.

Moreover, it's essential with dialogue that you spend no longer than 0 seconds thinking about a word when you write. Otherwise, it'll be the wrong one and feel forced. Dare I say it; you might even pick up a thesaurus. The point? It’s essential not to force dialogue. Let’s look at the good, the bad and the ugly:

THE GOOD

‘See?’ Jaffe said. ‘You can even make jokes and stuff. Man.’
It reflects Jaffe. I can gather from this that he’s kind of lacking intelligence and social skills, no? That’s the good; reflects his character and the situation too. Also how he reacts to humour he doesn’t have.

THE BAD

‘Idiot,’ Rasoon growled. ‘You weren’t meant to tell him anything.’
It’s nothing major; your dialogue’s generally fine really. In fact, I struggled to fine something downright bad, but really, it states the obvious. If you got rid of the last sentence, although Jaffe questions it later on, if Rasoon just explains ‘Idiot!’, then I can tell from this that he wasn’t meant to tell him anything, no?

THE UGLY

‘Hey, I don’t blame you. If I saw me naked, I’d have the hots for me too,’ Leo said, with a humour he didn’t feel. ‘It’s inevitable. I’m just that good looking.’
It’s ugly, because the idea’s nice and humorous but it’s all shaped wrong. It’s too bushy and needs some sunlight. What’s necessary and what isn’t can choose how this goes. It’s robotic too, and Leo isn’t an android… is he? I think this could work better:

‘Hey, if I saw me naked, I’d have the hots for me too,’ Leo forced with a humour he didn’t feel. ‘It’s inevitable; I’m too good looking.’


I hope my rant has been of some good use, but right now, I need food. Without being too patronising, if you have any questions just ask since I’m a good rambler against my will.

Overall: Not a lot of action, but a good chapter start. Not every page needs a bomb exploding, I suppose, but also remember to focus on the senses. I great description of the wall would be awesome, not that it has to be a checklist of all the senses, or anything

--Binky Goodness