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The Broken -- TC -- Chapter Four



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Mon Nov 17, 2008 8:23 pm
Sureal says...



(Chapter One)
(Chapter Two)
(Chapter Three)

------------------

Leo.

‘Take a seat,’ the Lieutenant-Colonel said, beckoning to a seat facing the wooden desk. He himself sat down in the padded one behind the desk and took off his cap.

Leo sat down.

The Lieutenant-Colonel’s office was small and mostly bare. Apart from the oak desk that lay between the two of them, there was only a shelf, which was full of books, and a cabinet, which was half-full of books. A large window took up much of one of the walls. Natural light flooded the room, thankfully destroying the illusion that they were underground. Outside, Leo could see a couple of trees and a few shrubs arranged in a sort of pseudo-garden.

‘So, what do you want to know?’ Leo asked.

The Lieutenant-Colonel leant forwards. ‘I suppose the first question is the most obvious one: what were you doing in the forest?’

‘I don’t know,’ said Leo. ‘Next question.’

‘That’s not an answer, Mister Thornton. No one gets into a restricted area without trying, and no one tries to do anything without a reason.’

‘I don’t even know how I got there. I don’t know why I was there. Something … happened.’ He wasn’t sure what to say. He didn’t know what had happened to him or why he had suddenly been there. He realised then, for the first time, that he wouldn’t be able to explain what had happened without sounding crazy.

‘I don’t understand what you’re trying to say.’

‘Look,’ Leo said, ‘one moment I was, you know, living my life, and the next thing I knew, I was in those woods of yours.’

‘And what exactly were you doing before you realised you were in the forest?’

‘I don’t know. I can’t remember.’ Inwardly, Leo flinched at his own replies. The more he spoke aloud, the more insane he sounded to even his own ears.

‘Interesting.’ The Lieutenant-Colonel was silent for a few moments. Then: ‘Do you take any sort of drugs?’

‘No.’

‘You can be honest with me, Mister Thornton. Nothing said here will leave the room if you don’t want it too. I just want to understand what happened.’

‘I don’t do drugs,’ Leo said.

‘Okay then. Any history of mental illness in your family?’

‘Not that I know of.’ He scratched his cheek. ‘And for what it’s worth, I’m pretty sure I’m not crazy.’

‘It’s worth more than you think. Okay, so you can’t remember what you were doing immediately before you were in the forest, so tell me, what is the very last thing you do remember before you were in the forest?’

Leo leant back and thought for a moment. It wasn’t a matter he had really considered before, but thinking back now, he couldn’t really say for sure what his last memory was. Everything from the last few days was all jumbled up, and he had only flashes of those days: walking along a road on his way to school, waking up, walking home along the same road, listening to a teacher’s droning voice, brushing his teeth, reading George R.R. Martin’s A Game of Thrones whilst sat in bed, seeing his little sister’s crying face, eating a roast dinner with his family, playing Metal Gear Solid, laughing with a friend over a forgotten joke, walking to school, waking up, sitting in class, walking home, telling a joke to a friend, walking, laughing, sitting, talking.

It was all disjointed. What came first and what came last?

He shrugged. ‘I don’t know. It’s all … sort of muddled up.’

The Lieutenant-Colonel was thoughtful for a few seconds. ‘Okay,’ he said, ‘I’ll accept that.’

‘What, just like that? No follow up questions?’

‘None for now.’

‘So, we’re done? You’ll contact my family and they can come pick me up?’

The Lieutenant-Colonel gave a sad sigh. ‘Mister Thornton, I’m sorry, but no. We can get you a room for the night though.’

Leo sagged. The Lieutenant-Colonel had implied that if Leo answered his questions, he’d let him go home, but now it seemed he was going back on his implicit word. Leo felt cheated. Bastard, he thought. ‘Screw the room. I need to go home. My parents’ll be freaking out.’

‘I’m very sorry, Mister Thornton,’ the Lieutenant-Colonel said, standing up. ‘I’m going to do everything I can to help you, and right now that means getting you a room.’

‘You don’t look sorry to me,’ Leo said. He made no effort to rise.

The Lieutenant-Colonel looked down at Leo. ‘You’re not going to follow me to a room, are you?’

‘No, I don’t think I will.’

The Lieutenant-Colonel slumped back down again. A pained expression crossed his face as he massaged his eyes with his fingers. Leo watched, interested. This was the first time the Lieutenant-Colonel had shown any sign of weakness. ‘You bastard Gavial,’ he muttered to himself, ‘why did you insist on giving this position to me? It should’ve been you.’

He sat up straight again. ‘Fine,’ he sighed. ‘Fine.’ He opened a draw in his desk and drew out a black walkie-talkie. ‘Private Rasoon?’ he said into it.

A few seconds later, Leo heard Rasoon’s voice cackling back: ‘Yes sir?’

‘I’d like you and Private Jaffe to bring Miss Taylor up to my office,’ the Lieutenant-Colonel said.

‘Sir? Now?’

‘Yes, now, Private.’

‘Yes sir.’

The Lieutenant-Colonel put the walkie-talkie down on the desk and sighed. ‘You’ll get your answers soon enough.’

‘Um,’ Leo said, ‘I don’t want any answers. I’m the guy who wants to go home, remember?’

‘I wasn’t talking about you,’ the Lieutenant-Colonel said.

‘Oh,’ Leo said. Nutter, he thought.

The next few minutes passed in awkward silence. The Lieutenant-Colonel picked up one of his books and absorbed himself in it, a frown never far from his lips. Leo had nothing to do but to just sit in his chair. He passed the time by staring out the window at the half-wild shrubs and trees.

Then came a knock at the door. The Lieutenant-Colonel looked up, put down his book, and said, ‘Come in.’

In came Jaffe and Rasoon, Jaffe with his neutral stare and Rasoon with his scowl, and with both of them was a girl. She walked in behind them, holding one wrist with the other hand, her expression a curious mix of the two men’s, bordering somewhere between neutrality and displeasure. She was dressed like Leo, in simple grey fatigues, although Leo noticed that she wore no shoes or socks.

And she was hot, he decided. It was clear she hadn’t showered recently, as her blond hair fell in greasy lockets down her face and neck, but she was good looking despite it. High cheekbones and a defined jaw line gave her a look of haughtiness, and the glower she wore only added to the effect. She was tall for a girl too, probably of a height with Leo. She struck Leo as the sort of girl who, as well as being beautiful, was well aware of the fact.

But what’s she got to do with me going home?

Despite her obvious displeasure, she held her head high as she walked into the room. ‘Well,’ she said, glaring at the Lieutenant-Colonel, ‘what do you want?’

The Lieutenant-Colonel motioned to the seat beside Leo’s. ‘Please, sit down.’

Looking uncertain, she did so.

‘And you two,’ the Lieutenant-Colonel said, turning his gaze to Rasoon and Jaffe, ‘please stand outside. Don’t let anyone enter the room.’

‘Sir,’ the two men said. They saluted, and did what he asked.

‘Right then,’ the Lieutenant-Colonel said, ‘this isn’t going to be easy. Nor pretty, I’d imagine. I-’

Leo raised a hand and said, ‘Why is she here?’

The girl scowled at him, but said nothing.

‘What I have to say concerns both of you,’ the Lieutenant-Colonel said. ‘It’s … I don’t know exactly how to say this. You’re both-’ He clenched his jaw and didn’t say anything for a few seconds, his thin lips twisted into a grimace.

Leo watched silently, intrigued.

The girl, meanwhile, snapped, ‘Spit it out already.’

The Lieutenant-Colonel let out a sudden bark of a laugh, making Leo jump in his seat. The man’s mad, he thought. Bonkers.

‘“You’re not in Kansas anymore,”’ the Lieutenant-Colonel said. ‘That’s what he said to tell you. If that makes any sense. You’ve left Kansas behind. You’re … you’re in our world now.’

A beat later, Leo said, ‘And you’re the Wizard, right?’ He supposed he should be afraid, being locked in a room with a madman, but, really, he was more interested than anything.

‘What?’ snorted the girl. ‘You’re saying we’re in Nania?’

‘Oz,’ Leo corrected her.

‘It sounds crazy,’ the Lieutenant-Colonel said, sounding more sincere that he had for the entire past twenty minutes, ‘but so does the story you were giving me a few minutes ago, Leo. What happened to you - what happened to both of you - you’re not in your home any more. You’re in a different world.

‘And I’m sorry. I’m very sorry. But there’s no way back.’

No one said anything for a few seconds. In the silence, the Lieutenant-Colonel’s last words roared their significance.

Then Leo said, ‘What, not even if I click my heels together?’

------------------

Author Notes:

-- Chapter Four. Really, it’s the second part of Chapter Three, but whatever.

-- I’m not a fan of this chapter. The whole “you’re in another worldz!!1!” conversation had to come up sooner or later, but I wasn’t looking forward to it. Haart’s uneasiness wasn’t in the plan, it’s just how I was feeling when I tried to write this. It’s … icky.

-- As per usual, this is a first draft, which I plan to edit quite heavily later. I’ll of course be referring back to all the advice and suggestions you guys give during the editing process.

-- In particular, I’m interested in hearing yours thoughts and suggestions on the whole ‘other world’ conversation thingy at the end. But as always, all advice, suggestions and thoughts are equally welcome. =)

------------------

Chapter Five.
Last edited by Sureal on Fri Nov 21, 2008 10:13 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Mon Nov 17, 2008 9:34 pm
Blink says...



Seriously man, you're spoiling us. Anyhow, don't worry, I enjoy these reviews and I'm working on something at the moment which I might post soon, so what they heck :)

Apart from the oak desk that lay between the two of them, there was only a shelf, which was full of books, and a cabinet, which was half-full of books.
I'm guessing the repetition was on purpose but it annoys me. A better way to rephrase the last bit would be something like: "which was full of books, and a cabinet, which was only half so." If that makes sense.

He didn’t know what had happened to him or why he had suddenly been there.
If I'm honest, I think we've spent the last three chapters working that out.

playing Metal Gear Solid,
Should be italicised, as you did with the book name. I really am getting picky. I generally love that entire paragraph, actually.

Nutter, he thought.
I don't think you need the 'he thought', now that you've italicised. It doesn't do a lot for it and just lengthens something nicer out.

of a height with Leo. She struck Leo as the
That second Leo would be better as 'him'.

‘“You’re not in Kansas anymore,”’ the Lieutenant-Colonel said. ‘That’s what he said to tell you. If that makes any sense. You’ve left Kansas behind. You’re … you’re in our world now.’
A beat later, Leo said, ‘And you’re the Wizard, right?’ He supposed he should be afraid, being locked in a room with a madman, but, really, he was more interested than anything.

Give us a couple of lines here and explain why he's so interested in the ramblings of a madman. Just give us hints. Does he yawn? Frown? Roll his eyes, edge towards the door?

‘What?’ snorted the girl. ‘You’re saying we’re in Nania?’
Narnia! And actually, I'm glad you put that in. I remember you said a while ago in your journal that you thought putting your characters in a fantasy world was clichéd, and I'm guessing it was on purpose that you mentioned it? Because it works well, and tells us you're writing your owns story.

Whatever happened to you
Seriously.

And that last line just made my day. Plz rite morez! Aha...

Anyhow, you said you wanted thoughts on the 'another world' conversation, and I have to say there's little criticism I can think of that go against it. The thing is, it's greatest strength is a fabulous weakness--meaning, the fact the dialogue does all the talking (literally), you don't need to include as much narrative. Whereas I would usually beg you to describe more of Leo's feelings on the matter, the dialogue works so well because it tells me what he thinks of this colonel, and that the madman concept still isn't void. I'm sure you'll get someone come along later on and say completely the opposite, but what I see to be the problem lies completely in the narrative.

THE NARRATIVE

Right, it's bland. Simple as. I feel this was too brief, and it would be a great opportunity to learn a bit more about Leo as a character, but also develop some description. So far everything has just been cause to effect ad it would be great to get some nice descriptive language involved. For example, when he’s looking at the window, it would give us a nicer sense of time if you go into really annoying, picky details like the amount of leaves on one of the trees, and how Leo’s so bored that he’s wondering when the autumn leaves are going to take over. Yes, it’s lengthy and annoying but some nice descriptions won’t need any justifying and will help us get into Leo’s head a little better. Also, when you were describing Lucy it might be better to give us some similes so that we may draw from our own opinion whether or not we agree that she was ‘haughty’ or not.

Moving on and to the same accord, think about the senses. I didn’t see any noteworthy descriptions in this chapter other than what it looked like. What do the feet on the earth sound like? Or the smell of cigarette drifting in through the window?

Finally, try to vary sentence structure. I get bored with ‘he said’ or ‘she did’ and starting every line with a pronoun or noun.

OVERALL

The contrast in this chapter was great, the dialogue, fine, but flesh it out a bit. You’re giving us the bones, what of the muscles? The conversation gave it a great originality tone, but let Leo question things a little more.

Keep it up!
--Blink
"A man's face is his autobiography. A woman's face is her work of fiction." ~ Oscar Wilde
  





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Sat Nov 22, 2008 2:50 am
Jiggity says...



Nania!

Lol.

Love it.

*

Okay, so remember what I said in the last chapter? About difference? Those small details, I mentioned - whether the grass is an absurd shade of green, or the sun is twice its normal size, whether there's a bird he's never seen before - those things would pretty much make the conversation you - and I - hate, be obsolete and then you could get rid of it!

If, in some way, Leo or Lucy could at least notice something of difference, then at least there'd be some kind of presentiment; some notion that everything is not okay and that, in fact, something is very wrong.

[On Hart's and fickleness]

I liked that you Hart a, you know, personality. You gave him some depth in this chapter, which is good. I'm just not sure if it's the right kind of depth. For instance, in the previous chapters, he was pretty much being set up as the de facto baddie. That's changed with this chapter, too abruptly, too severely. I think you should keep the bit showing his stress, that was nice.

But get rid of his excessive niceness. Excessive, only when compared to his previous actions. He's obviously someone important and this important someone is getting bulldozed by two naked punks who had the audacity to show up in his restricted military area and make a fool of his security procedures?

a) he isn't gonna want to let that out
b) he sure as hell isn't go to let them off as nicely as he does (unless of course, he has orders from higher up telling him so)
c) I think the conversation should end with the, 'You're not in Kansas anymore, that's what he told me to say.' And then, that being all he's obligated to say, he'd kick em out.
d) disregard c) because I really do love the last line and it would be a shame to lose it.

*twitches*

Something is off about Hart - that is the main point of this review, lol. You should look into that and who it is you want him to be.

And she was hot, he decided.


I love you for that line, I really do. It's so annoying when stories conveniently gloss over attraction and when writers tip-toe around it. It's always objective description and a whole world of subtext. Characters don't have to be as sexually repressed as their writers are hahaha, that's my point and I direct at all those people who indulge in it. Ahem. So yes, it was refreshing to see.

*laughs at last line*
Mah name is jiggleh. And I like to jiggle.

"Indecision and terror, thy name is novel." - Chiko
  








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