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Leo.
‘You want your stance to be at a forty-five degree angle, with your left leg in front,’ the Lieutenant-Colonel said. ‘If you were holding the pistol with one hand, then you’d want your right leg in front instead, but for now stick with a firm, two handed grip.’
Leo held the pistol as the Lieutenant-Colonel said, as did Lucy to his right. The three of them were alone in the white firing range.
It was a welcome change in location from his room, and the tedium it entailed.
After the Lieutnetant-Colonel had finished his ravings of alternate worlds yesterday, he had the two of them dragged away and thrown into individual, locked rooms. Leo had spent the past twenty-four hours doing … nothing. Lucy - whose name he’d learnt as Rasoon and Jaffe escorted them to their rooms - could barely be heard in the room next door. They could bang on the wall to one another, but even that was faint, and they could not hear each others voice at all.
At present, the Lieutenant-Colonel was teaching them both how to fire a gun. It seemed the man felt at least a little sorry for the two of them: just sitting in their rooms was nothing short of mind-numbing, and this was at least something to do.
‘Okay,’ the Lieutenant-Colonel said, ‘now raise the firearm, and with your left eye closed, line up the fore and aft sights.’
I’m being taught how to shoot a gun by a crazy man, Leo wondered.
‘Breathe normally: in … and out; in … and out. When you’re ready to fire, breathe out only partway and hold the remainder. Keep your muscles relaxed … and then squeeze the trigger.’
Leo followed the commands as he was prompted. A half-breath held in his throat, he squeezed his trigger at the exact same moment Lucy squeezed hers, right after the Lieutenant-Colonel had finished speaking.
The noise was alarming.
Leo opened his eyes, feeling as though someone had just smacked him in the side of the head with a hammer. I wonder if my ears are bleeding, he mused, dazed. His wrist hurt as well, as the pistol had bucked like a bitch in his hands.
‘Aren’t we meant to have, like, ear muffs or something?’ Lucy asked, rubbing her ears.
‘Yes,’ said the Lieutenant-Colonel, looking entirely unfazed. ‘Goggles too.’
‘Oh,’ said Lucy. ‘Any reason we don’t get any?’
‘Because ear protection and goggles are for wimps.’
‘Oh,’ said Lucy again.
The Lieutenant-Colonel walked closer to her. ‘You fired well though, Miss Taylor. You seem to have a knack for this.’ He pointed across the range at her paper target, which had a small hole punched through it.
Lucy sniffed her disinterest.
‘How did I do?’ Leo asked.
The Lieutenant-Colonel glanced over at Leo’s target, and Leo followed his gaze. Unlike Lucy’s, it didn’t have a hole in it. The Lieutenant-Colonel looked up. ‘You shot the ceiling, Mister Thornton.’
Leo looked up too. There was a crack in the stone ceiling, half way across the range. ‘Ah,’ he said.
‘Show me your stance again, please.’
Leo resumed the stance he’d taken the shot from. The Lieutenant-Colonel peered closer at his hands. It was an awkward position to be in, with the Lieutenant-Colonel closely studying him.
‘Yes,’ the Lieutenant-Colonel said after a moment, ‘that’s the problem. You’re grasping the pistol too tightly and you have your wrist bent at an unusual angle. Loosen your grip and straighten your wrist. Like this.’ He grabbed Leo’s wrist, and physically straightened it out. His fingers felt strangely large and … real against Leo’s skin. He stepped back. ‘Okay, fire again. Both of you.’
Leo clenched his teeth, lined up the two sights, and fired. The gun bucked and barked and rebelled in his hands again, but his wrist didn’t jar quite so painfully. The sound echoed for a moment, and then died; its ghost left his ears ringing.
He glanced over at his target, and almost smiled upon seeing that it now had a hole in it. True, it wasn’t where he had been aiming, but it was an improvement upon shooting the ceiling.
‘Much better, Mister Thornton, much better.’
‘This is pointless,’ Lucy muttered. ‘You’re wasting our time. Just let us go home.’
The Lieutenant-Colonel clenched his teeth, in what could have been either anger or pain. ‘I am sorry, Miss Taylor, I really am, but I’ve already explained to you why that simply is not possible.’
‘And I think your explanation is full of crap.’
Leo watched the exchange in silence and with interest. Did the Lieutenant-Colonel really intend to keep the two of them captive forever? Could he really get away with it? Did his insanity really know no limit? The gun felt reassuring heavy in Leo’s hands. It would be so easy … so easy to just raise it and shoot. This close, even he couldn’t miss. He could do it right now. He would only have to raise his arms and squeeze a finger, and it would be done. It was so easy to imagine, and just as easy to do.
… but no.
What would that achieve, really? Nothing. He would be a murderer, a criminal, and so would just substitute one prison for another. And besides, Leo wasn’t sure he even had it in him to kill a person: killing something as insignificant as an insect always made him feel guilty; killing a man would probably make him go as mad as the Lieutenant-Colonel.
Without even realising that he had tensed them, Leo relaxed his muscles. Doubtlessly another, better opportunity to escape the clutches of the madman would arise, sooner or later.
Then, a gunshot: a single, loud explosion; a flash of white light; the Lieutenant-Colonel’s head snapping back, his arms flailing; Lucy standing, gun raised, eyes narrow, face hard.
The Lieutenant-Colonel leant against the wall, his head bowed. There was a suspicious lack of blood. ‘Miss Taylor,’ he said placidly, ‘nice shot.’ He raised his head, and apart from a bruise on his forehead, he was unharmed. ‘But this is not your world. The rules are different here.’ He held his hands up in a non-threatening gesture, and edged towards Lucy. ‘Please, hand me your firearm.’
Lucy stepped back, raised the gun, and fired again. The shot hit the Lieutenant-Colonel in the stomach this time. There was another flash of light, and the soldier stumbled a step back, grasping at his stomach. ‘Put down the weapon, Miss Taylor,’ he coughed. ‘Now.’
Lucy shook her head wordlessly, and raised the gun to fire a third time. This time the Lieutenant-Colonel lurched forward as her arms swung up. He grabbed her wrists, twisted, and disarmed her in one smooth movement.
Pistol now in hand, the Lieutenant-Colonel took a step back, and turned from Lucy to face Leo. ‘And you, Mister Thornton? Are you going to cause a problem?’ Behind him, Lucy slid wordlessly to her knees and cradled her sore wrists, a look of silent fury twisting her usually beautiful features.
Leo held onto his gun. ‘How are you still alive? Are we firing blank rounds?’
The Lieutenant-Colonel raised Lucy’s gun in one hand, and shot a nearby wall. Dust billowed as the bullet bit deep into it. ‘This is live ammunition, Mister Thornton, and I am still alive because in this world, Mister Thornton, in this world firearms are not as deadly as in yours.’
Leo shook his head. ‘No, that’s insane.’ He didn’t know how the Lieutenant-Colonel had survived the shot, but that didn’t mean his lunacy was true. Magicians made the inexplicable happen on stage all the time - they would catch bullets in their teeth, cut people in half, and disappeared and reappear, all before the audiences’ eyes - but that did not mean they were really gifted with magical powers. Likewise, a clever trick did not mean the Lieutenant-Colonel was telling the truth. ‘No, I don’t know how you survived that shot, but I still think you’re insane.’
‘Is that so?’ the Lieutenant-Colonel said. He sighed. ‘A shame, then. I had hoped this would convince you.’
‘Convince us?’ Lucy spat from on the floor. ‘You mean you knew? You knew I was going to try to … to…’
‘…shoot me? Well no. I expected you to shoot me, but I didn’t know for certain that you would. I’d have been disappointed if you hadn’t tried, though.’
‘Bastard.’
‘Be that as it may, what do you say Miss Taylor? Do you still deny that this is not your world?’
Lucy scowled. ‘I do.’
The Lieutenant-Colonel dipped his head. ‘Very well. There are other ways to show you. Admittedly none quite so dramatic as this, but it won’t be long before you have to accept the sad truth, and the sooner you accept it, the sooner you can come to terms with it.’
What a load of crap, Leo thought.
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Author notes:
-- If you're wondering why it ends so abruptly, that's cos it's only half of one chapter. The other half will be posted up as Chapter Seven.
-- As per usual, this is a first draft, which I plan to edit quite heavily later. I’ll of course be referring back to all the advice and suggestions you guys give during the editing process.
-- However, unlike normally, I haven't really got any specific things I'd like you to watch out for. This is probably just because the majority of this chapter was written quite a while ago. So any and all comments are equally welcome and much appreciated. =)
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Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Thanks guys. ^_^ As always, you've both been loads of help.
Didn't like this sentence. 'and they couldn't hear each other, at all.'
As with Blink, I think 'wondered' is the wrong tag to use.
the rule in question was depressingly mundane. You made it sound so interesting here! I thought he was going to go all gandalf on her. XD
falling to ones knees isn't an action engendered by rage. Didn't seem to fit the emotion you described.
It can bite into walls but does little more than bruise the guy at point blank range? Er...something about that seems wrong. Unless the wall isn't made of brick/concrete.
disappear
**
Like Blink, I think Leo was a tad too passive and Lucy was a tad to willing to kill (some introspection on her part in the following chapter would do nicely to counter that seemingly random extreme action). Their re/actions weren't quite balanced; one too weak, the other too strong. Perhaps that was intentional; if not, I suggest working that out. I thought way you described the gunshot, in short flashes, was indicative of, if not surprise then at least confusion on Leo's part but you need to add to it. Something a little more from his perspective.
Not much happened, so I don't have much else to say. Maybe its just your sparse writing style but it never seems like you're writing much, ha. I would like to see more, read more, and for the chapters to have more substance.
Why aren't Rasoon and Jaffe teaching them? Would seem like an activity more suited to their lowly stations than to the Lt. Also, having the information provided by the Lt. corroborated by the soldiers -- who really have no reason to lie; they're simple folk -- would probably go a long way to convincing the two of their situation. It also serves to avoid the feeling of rehashing that we have here. Just a thought.
Good stuff and its about time!
Cheers
It's back ^.^
His name, or the wording of the sentence, made me think it said "learnt as soon and". I'd just swap around the names, if you see what I mean.
There's nothing wrong with this, but as I remember, they had been pretty blank to each other before. I'd like maybe a line to explain why he would want to talk to her. It might be obvious, but was it loneliness? Understanding? That they were in the same sort of predicament?
Wondered? I'd have thought more "decided", or "realised". Since he's not actually questioning anything, more stating a point.
I bit awkward. I'd suggest: "why that is simply not possible."
There are so many small words here that I needed to reread it, but I am quite dense. I'd change "a person" to "someone". I'm entirely sure whether "he even had it in him" could be rephrased to "he could even", but whichever you think would work best.
I really think that the pace would be more sudden with a scarer using of commas. So, nitch this one.
To me, this is just Leo reciting the paragraph prior in a more dialogue-friendly tone. This could be solved with a simply rewording, say, "but you're still insane. I know it."
My own thoughts exactly =)
Who, exactly, said this?
Right, end of the nitpickings. And note, I had to be particularly picky today.
A few thoughts:
That was a great chapter, IMO. But as always there are a few things for me to look out for, transitions being one of them. I was actually beginning to hope that Leo would shoot him, and was a little surprised to see Lucy do it. For that matter, I'm surprised because Leo seemed pretty blasé about it. He didn't question what Lucy had done, or snap his head, and in fact he seemed a bit too much of a spectator from what I recall. Even just subtle things like them sharing a split second of shock?
Transitions, right, I'm getting side-tracked again. Firstly, what's the initial opportunity that he's talking about? Did you mean that he would have shot the Colonel if he had had the chance, having relaxed his muscles? And secondly, it's a little calm and doesn't lead into the next, more action-packed section quite as well as I'd have liked. That might be resolved by cutting off part of the end bit; we know that it'll mean "sooner or later", so if you make it "sooner or--", there's an idea of rush, shock, if you will.
Would I be right in saying that he's teaching them how to shoot because he wants to recruit them? Having read the section in your journal about it, that's the hint I'm getting. Still I suppose it's difficult for me to say a lot more mid-chapter, as my excuse.
And the names of the characters is getting me a bit confused. We're seeing Lucy Taylor, and Leo Thornton. I suppose it's fine, just, you know, similar names. =) I'm sure that wasn't very helpful, but I'll say more when you finish the chapter.
-Blinky