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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hi, i'm a fairly new member, i'll try and review your poem as well as i can and hopefully it makes sense
I think your poem is creative, and has great potential, it was engaging to the reader. But i think there are some parts to improve on that i'd like to suggest.
Firstly, your poem generally reads like a short story, if you formatted it into quatrains i think it would have better presentation and appear in more poetic form.
your second line in your first stanza,
"And then you fell and had so many owies and boo boos, but you were brave as a night- you didn't shed a single year."
Here i think the line is very flawed. It was very awkward to me, it was as if a young child was saying this, but it wasn't narrated in that sense so in this case it didn't work. I suggest you describe the pain of falling in other words, preferably in more depth.
"But you were brave as a night- you didn't shed a single year."
In this line it lacks in punctuation and grammar slightly.
I suggest you think about changing it to;
" But you were a brave Knight, and didn't shed a single tear."
In my opinion, this works better.
For the line, "Me and you had so many kisses, hugs and a few unfavorable midnight wake up calls."
Consider reviseing this line in general but i grammar again, you should have written;
"You and I had so many kisses...." It also reads better.
Also instead of saying what exact type of affection it was in this sentence could you somehow mention the affection, love etc without being too specific it's a bit cliche.
Overall good poem with a unique idea, keep writing!
Hope i helped.
- Infinity x
Thanks! Welcome YWS! I'm new here too, and I think you're gonna like it here.
Hi there Meggs. Welcome to YWS!
First of all, I'd like you to reformat this in a more poetic fashion. Try more lines. I'll give you an example by reformatting your first paragraph into a stanza.
Break the whole thing up like that and you'll be good for format.
Now to other things.
"night" in the second paragraph should be "knight."
Your hyphens should be dashes. If you don't know how to do a dash, substitute with two hyphens in a row.
This poem seems a little inconsistent. You spend two paragraphs on this girl's childhood, and only one that mentions her growing up. The theme of your poem seems to be growing up and missing the innocence once possessed by the little girl. I would spend more time on the part of her life after she's lost the innocence. You linger on the innocence, but I don't know specifically how this innocence was spent.
Speaking of specifics, you've got some good ones. I'm glad that you put in the bike stanza; it's a good image to relate to. But you could still make it more specific and even stronger. Perhaps tell about a certain scar she has from the first bike ride that she still carries. It would mark her as different and special. But don't make the scar a perfect map of the London underground above her left knee (if you don't know what that reference is from, you have some reading to do).
Typo alert: Year should be tear.
This line would only work if you were writing the whole thing in the voice of a child. Since you're not, it's not working. It sounds jarringly childish among the rest of your words.
this should be "you and I." Also, that sentence doesn't connect with the rest of the paragraph. When you reformat it, put that sentence in a stanza all its own.
This has got potential. Keep working on increasing the specifics in your poetry, and the format. I hope you found this review helpful. Happy poeting!
Thank you! Oh and trust I knew exactly what you were referencing about!
Hey Supermegs!
Welcome to YSW! Hope you are enjoying this website. Let me start okay so firstly I wil start with the things which you have to change.
1. You haven't made your poem rhyme.
2. I think you have to break these line into small lines.
3. A word in this line is a bit confusing and you have made a mistake"And the you fell and had so many owies and boo boos, but you were brave as a night- you didn't shed a single year."
Firstly you spelt knight as in the fighting knight wrong secondly the line at the end of this sentence was it supposed to be "year" or "tear".
Now for the parts which were correct.
1. Everything in this is related to its heading.
2. All of your sentence make sense.
3. The reader can tell what tense it is in.
Hello meggs, Dogs here with your review of the day! Okey dokey, intresting poem you have going on here. Intresting in that it isn't formatted exactly like a poem. You need to recreate a couple things here. Firstly this is written more like a short story than a poem. You need to create stanzas, which consist of a series of lines. Lines are short poetic lines that are used to maintain a rhythm in your writing. So for example this poem should look a little more like:
"Do you remember the little girl
that photograph holding the teddy bear?
I remember her.
That girl was you."
And so on and so forth. Furthermore you need a little spice and pizzazz to your writing here! I need some more imagery or emotion. As the writer it is your job to make the reader feel what your character is feeling, and to make us see the beautiful portrait you paint with your words. I want to see the little girl that someone used to be, I want to see her cute little pig tails and innocent face skipping gaily around with her teddy bear. I want to feel the emotional heart break from the mother or father that is narrating this story. I wan to feel how sad they are that their little girl is no longer their little girl. She's just some teenager now and growing up. I need to feel their frustrating and sadness.
To help create that image you can use a thesaurus to look up boring words and replace them with excellent vocab and out of the ordinary words that make your writing just pop to the reader. It'll be incredibly difficult and no small feat... but I have faith in you. Let me know once you re-write this and I'll give it a review. Keep up the good work!
TuckEr EllsworTh
Thank you! I will get right on that!