The inevitable- revised

Do you happen to recall
the girl in this photo?
I most certainly do
'cause that girl was
younger version of you!

She had the most
enchanting eyes, and lips
that I was unaware would ever
kiss.
Can't forget that smile, too.

Her voice was like a soft whisper
in my ear, comforting.
My own sweet melody.

Do you remember when you
conveyed your first bike?
You peddled relentlessly until
you rammed into a spike.

You had so many scrapes
and countless scratches,
but you were as brave as
a knight, rescuing a princess
from her doom.

With just a simple twirl
of hair and bat of eyelashes
you coerced me to purchase every
sparkly dress, and corresponding pair of shoes.
That is one spell you never unlearned
to do.

You and I would conversate
about every possibility
while babbling about nothing
Now we can't even bring ourselves to chat.

You demand later curfew
I decline
You roll your eyes
We suppress the memory in our minds.

Discontent and nostalgia flows
very high in my veins.
It's very apparent that you
won't ever be the same.

If I only I could bring back
those simplistic, short lived
days.

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Thu Feb 07, 2013 11:09 pm

Morrigan wrote a review...

Hi there, meggs.

I think I critiqued the first version of this poem-- correct me if I'm wrong (I know that I read the original, at least). This version is much better. You divided it into stanzas, and added quite a few more images. Good job.

There are still some issues, however.

'cause that girl was
younger version of you!

These lines are so saccharine that they make my teeth ache. The tone that I read them in isn't pleasant. At least don't put that exclamation point there.
And the rhyme scheme here (and throughout the whole poem, really) sound rather forced. Here, it only adds to the sugary sweet vibe that I really don't think is necessary to bring to a poem like this.

that I was unaware would ever
kiss.

I don't know why you have "kiss" on a separate line. It messes up the rhythm. Also, it's not important enough to have a line of its own. Even when it's all one line, though, the wording is very awkward.

Her voice was like a soft whisper
in my ear, comforting.
My own sweet melody.

I like this stanza a lot. Except who is this "her" you've suddenly introduced? If you are referring to the girl, you need to make sure what you're referring to the little girl as is consistent. Also, "like a soft whisper" is inaccurate. If you say something is LIKE something else, it had better not make sense if you say "is." Say "Her voice was a soft whisper."

Do you remember when you
conveyed your first bike?
You peddled relentlessly until
you rammed into a spike.

Did you go to a thesaurus and put in the biggest words you could find? That's what this stanza sounds like you did. Your tone was conversational before, but now it's strange. Don't use words for the sake of the rhyme, or for the sake of looking fancy. The way you used "conveyed" actually means "do you remember when you carried your first bike?" That's not what you actually meant.

You had so many scrapes
and countless scratches,
but you were as brave as
a knight, rescuing a princess
from her doom.

The simile you're trying to make gets an "A" for effort. But try to make one that even more captures the characteristics not only of bravery, but the girl in question. Think about her qualities other than bravery, too, and then try to incorporate them into the simile, as well.

With just a simple twirl
of hair and bat of eyelashes
you coerced me to purchase every
sparkly dress, and corresponding pair of shoes.
That is one spell you never unlearned
to do.

Again with the words. "coerced" "corresponding" and "unlearned" just don't fit here.

You and I would conversate

"conversate" sounds unnatural.

The tone changes quickly and abruptly in one stanza. If the whole point of the poem is a gap between the mother and the daughter, I suggest introducing the point earlier in the poem, and getting rid of some of that long exposition. That sparkly dress stanza really has nothing to do with the rest of the poem. You could easily take it out (and here, less is more).

No matter how many drafts you do, there will always need to be revisions. Take heart; even the best must do endless drafts.

I hope that this review proves useful to you. Happy poeting!

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Reviews: 1334

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Thu Feb 07, 2013 2:26 am

Hannah wrote a review...

I don't think I happened upon this poem when it was first posted, so I can't see the difference between then and now, but I do like what you're doing here.

I think there's a lot to be explored in the relationship between daughter and mother. I think you caught a lot of goodness here in your attempt. The most powerful line, the one that made me stop and say, "Yes, that's exactly what this mom would say," was:

, and lips
that I was unaware would ever
kiss.

I'd say this is the quality you should aim for. The language is natural, it evokes an image, and also speaks to an emotion that has several layers: the girl had her own emotions about the kiss, and the mother considers those, her own, and the mother's own first kiss. It brings up that idea of the generation between them, but also the similarities that bind them, how lives seem to run over general the same track, hitting the same landmarks.

That said, there are some problems.

For one, there's an inconsistency of voice. You start off really casual, like " 'cause that girl used to be you!" which sounds like a mom talking to her toddler with false enthusiasm to get her to eat her carrots. Then later you go into this weird old-speech, specifically when you use the word 'conveyed' to talk about transportation.

(By the way, that stanza totally ruins the tone of your poem. The forced rhyme makes the scene seem violent and ridiculous, which takes away from the seriousness and the contemplation you're working to uphold.)

You also start with a lot of images, and then they peter out.

Further more, you slip into this idea of comparing the girl to a princess and medieval spells for a couple of stanzas, then get right back out again without reason. These things show your subconscious working, I think, but they'll need to be controlled through editing. Does the mother think of her daughter in terms of princesses and castles and spells? If you're not ready to commit her line of thought to that throughout the entire poem, you've gotta find a way to link the reference to something already realistic. Like, "when you first boyfriend called you princess" or something, which connects the two worlds. Then it doesn't seem to come out of nowhere.

I'd say you need to keep the images, coming, too. They serve to anchor a reader when you slip into philosophy or narrative. This means if you interspersed them with the mother's deeper wonderings, we'd flow a lot better than packing all the images at the front and the thoughts at the back. c:

Lemme know if you have any questions about this review, please.

Good luck and keep writing! See you around~

Points: 52441
Reviews: 662

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Thu Feb 07, 2013 2:21 am

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dogs wrote a review...

Howdy Meggs! Dogs here with your review today. Ok I love that you have re written and re posted this piece. It's much much better and you use far better vocab, although at times you use weird words that I'm not quite positive where you got them from. Anywho lets dive in shall we?

"girl/was younger version of you!"

Firstly, never use exclamation points in writing unless you absolutely have to. Secondly, there should be a "the" infront of the "was" to make this a completely sensical sentence grammtically.

"That I was unaware would ever/kiss."

Ok firstly this is so beyond awkwardly worded, if you read that as a sentence out loud to your self it won't make any sense. Try to alleviate that common confusion in the reader. Also your rhythm of your poem is completely thrown off by putting "kiss" on a line by itself. Try adding some of the line before to help balance it out.

"Can't forget that smile, too"

No comma, say "either" instead of "too."

I like the third stanza, get imagery in that line. Well done.

"conveyed your first bike?"

Conveyed?! What...? convey means to transport or to carry. I believe you mean "ride." Also you say that you she ran into a spike... when I think of people running into a spike i think of them getting impaled on the spike. Try changing that out with road or something that makes a little more coherent sense. Maybe asphalt.

"so many scrapes/ and countless scratches"

boring words, incredibly boring. Look them up in a thesaurus to help find stronger more imaginative words. Try to describe the scrapes and scratches a little more I'd suggest.

Ok when you switch from the past to the present day make more of a transition and say "now" or "today." Also in that last line you say: "That is one spell you never unlearned/ to do" Unlearned in this line breaks up the rhythm and just sounds odd regardless. Substitute it with something else.

Great second to last stanza, well done there. The ending is definitely are a little weak in need of more imagery and imaginative words. Kinda ends on a flat note. But I have no doubt that you can easily mend that up! Let me know if you ever need a review on anything else. Keep up the good work!!

TuckEr EllsworTh :smt032

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The inevitable- revised

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