I know what this is about, but you probably won't.
-----
I didn’t break it, it was him.
Blame me for the lost pieces of your heart.
Sticky are your lips,
Like inside-out cordial cherries,
Dark chocolate underneath covered by cherry-red lipstick.
Green-eyed girl, what did you do?
Sorry, but I loved her more.
Torture you by playing into my insecurities.
Dewy is your skin,
Like a fresh-bloomed rose
The color of coffee, smooth and sensual.
Blue-eyed boy, what did you do?
I don’t want either of you anymore.
Both of you said you loved me, but neither of you did.
Just kiss-and-kill,
Leaving me a black widow
Because you said I caused your deaths, when really you descended to each other.
This brown-eyed girl has made up her mind.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Very tragic and gorgeous description. (I can't believe I just used that word! However it does sum it up)
This writing is almost Gothic!
I love your first stanza. Anything that has to do with chocolate cherries is a great stanza. However, the green eyed colors don't seem to match really.
The second stanza wasn't as good. It only had a reference to coffee. I don't like coffee much.
The third stanza was not so good. It had no food references, unless you count the black widow spider bit. Even so, it wasn't too appetizing.
So yeah...
I'm hungry.
But really... your first stanza does have the richest imagery. The third stanza doesn't have as clear detail, therefore it seems to be a little bit more confusing, thus lacking.
I hate when all I have to say is, "What 'so-and-so' said."
Unfortunately, I have to say it again: What 'Reida said. Everything she said.
I absolutely adore your imagery... It makes the poem come alive with senses.
This is great, sad, but great and i agree with Ari about that line, great.
Is thier a story in it because i have figured their seemed to be.
I think I'm becoming addicted to your poetry. I suppose I can't really say that after two poems, but you're good.
mas_happy:
The italics were a great effect, but I agree with Matt about that one line. I think after the repetition in form you set me up for one thing and then it really threw off the rhythm I had going. Just as in your other poem, fabulous imagery. I especially liked "inside-out cordial cherries."
Once again, nice work. And Merry Christmas.
Thank you both, and I swear I did the italics thing right, I knew it was suposed to be that way, but I guess I didn't.
As Matt said you need to fix your italics. Other than that, I really like the sort of vagueness that this poem exudes. Your imagery is as my girl would say 'the shiz'. I especially like the 'Dewy is your skin, Like...' that part of the second stanza really brings a picture to mind.
'El' Fauste
You need to sort out your...what are they called, italic thingies. [/i] goes at the end of the text, not [i]
Apart from that, I quite liked this. You kept the same kind of style throughout the first two stanzas-I especially liked "Sticky are your lips", "Dewy is your skin". But this- "Because you said I caused your deaths, when really you descended to each other" didn't work for me. This line was way longer than the rest of the poem and just didn't seem to fit. Maybe you could find a shorter way of saying this. I'm not entirely sure what the poem is about, I may have a vague idea, but anyway, it's pretty good.