The girl who speaks to trees

Thanks for the reviews!!! I wasn't the most confident in this story so I'm glad to hear all your positive thoughts!!!
As for this sentance
" I suppose I'm not," she said ,playing with her braid.
It's supposed to be a bit mysterious! I'm really bad about spell check... will work on that.
Thanks again!

Hi.

First, please proofread your story to check for grammatical and spelling errors before it is posted. It shouldn't be hard; if you use Microsoft Word or Open Office there should be a spell-checker. If you have Mozilla Firefox or Google Chrome, there should be a spell-checker in the browser as well. While word processors might not catch most of it, you should still look over your grammar. Punctuation goes inside of dialogue, not out. There isn't a space between the first quotation and where the dialogue begins. I noticed these and many more errors throughout the piece. If you need help decoding some issues, the Grammar & Research section of the knowledge base is a very good resource.

As for my general thoughts on the story, it needs work. First, your word choice rarely varies throughout the course of the story and what you do have is very tell-y and makes the story hard to follow or imagine. While telling can be good at times, you need showing to really describe the setting and give the reader a sense of the setting and what the characters are doing.

Right now, it's all she did this, she did that, she went here. Describe the sight of the girl in her backyard. What does she look like? What does her house look like? Since your narrator is only six at the beginning, how does she walk? Does she bounce around, skip? What? Instead of just telling us that she and the tree-girl became best of friends, why don't you show the relationship grow? If you need more help on showing and telling, this is a good article to look at.

But really, when you boil it down to the basic story, it's just not that interesting. Nothing happens. She talks to the girl, and twelve years later she comes back to talk to the girl again. Then it's happily ever after. First, you might want to make it more clear from the beginning that the girl is a spirit and not real.

We don't know, at first, so it seems as though it would be a little odd for a random stranger to be in someone's backyard. Yet, Natalia (is there any reason you spelled her name with an i instead of an a? Just curious) doesn't bring it up at all. Second, because this is such a simple little story, you need to enhance the conflict about the tree being cut down. All we know is that it's dying and the narrator/the girl don't want it to. Then it's cut down. There's no time to build up emotion or feelings, at least enough so to convince us that these characters care about what's going on. I'm also curious, why doesn't your narrator fight it when her dad wants to cut down the tree? It would be realistic and provide for an interesting climax.

Overall, I can see the potential in this story but it just needs some polishing. Hope this helps, and PM me if you have any questions!

-Elinor x

#000000 ">Aww, I thought this was good. Very few mistakes

Iiscraftywriter wrote:( This is a random little story I thought of! I couldn't think of a good beggining so if you have any suggestions...)

Iiscraftywriter wrote:She shrugged and I saw a tear glisine on her face.

Iiscraftywriter wrote:( This is a random little story I thought of! I couldn't think of a good beggining so if you have any suggestions...)

I first saw her when I was 6 years- old. My parents and I had just moved into a brand new house with a stretch of tree orchard behind it. While my parents moved our belongings into the house I went out to explore the orchard. She was just sitting there, underneath an old willow tree.
" Who are you#FF0000 ">?" I asked bluntly approaching her.
She glanced up and sent her dark brown hair over her shoulder.
" I'm not sure. Who are you?"
" My name is Natilia. How can you not be sure who you are?"
She shrugged and I saw a tear glisine#FF0000 ">That might be spelled wrong. I usually use the spell check to check for spelling but... I can't. Sorry. on her face.I plopped gently beside her.
" Why are you sad?"
"This tree#FF0000 ">," she said as she motioned to the willow," is really sick. I am scared it's going to die."
" Well...," I said, wondering what to say," It has you doesn't it?"
The girl smiled and gave the tree an affecationate pat.
" I suppose it does."
The back door slid open.
" Natilia?," my mom called.
" I will see you tommorow ok, treegirl?," I whispered.
"Natilia!"
"Coming!" I said and winked at the girl.
My mom sighed with relief as I stopped beside her.
"I met a girl, mommy!," I told her. In fact we had no neighbors within 5 miles of here.
" I'm sure you did, honey," she said giving me a Silly six-year old smile.
I came to the orchard many times after that. The girl and I became best of friends. We both cried when my father cut down the dead willow tree. Yet to soon I became to old to play with "imaginary" friends.
I didn't see her again until I was eighteen. I had just graduated from high school. I was heading to college that afternoon. I walked out of the house ready to breathe in the scents of the orchard for one last time. She was there, whispering words to my favorite oak tree. I stood there, not beliving my eyes. glancing up she smiled and motioned for me to sit down. I sat down.
" It's been a long time#FF0000 ">," she whispered.
I noticed that she too now looked 18.
" Y-#FF0000 ">you're not real#FF0000 ">," I stuttered.
" I suppose I'm not," she said ,playing with her braid.#FF0000 ">How do we know this?
I looked at her, then sighed.
" I really am gonna miss this old tree."
She looked at me. " It'll miss you too."
Without thinking I replied, " tell it I will miss it to.'
She nodded, smiling. For awhile we just sat there without a word. Finally the girl got up.
" Good luck," she whispered than walked away.
My husband and I bought the house ten years later. My children play now in the orchard and as I hear their screams of joy I know who exactly their playing with. I haven't seen her since we moved in. I know she is there, and I can wait.
I will always wait for the girl who speaks to trees.