Vampires. A mythic race of creatures rumored to have an array of supernatural talents. From an unnatural aura of high charisma, enough to instantly seduce into a state of mind control; the summoning of wings at will and reanimating the dead back to life. In truth, their powers are just that. Myths. Legends. Make believe. The 'unholy' creatures are more like humans than any of their history would have you know, apart from one uncanny characteristic: They consume human blood.
Engorging themselves of the crimson fluid serves two purposes:
The more blood drained, the more life is added onto their own.
It retracts their unquenchable desire to it for a short amount of time.
The race as a whole have been brought to a state of near extinction after being hunted for eons, living only in small remnants throughout modern human societies; forced to blend in for their own struggle to survive while feeding the addiction that marks them for death.
Every one thousand years, an exception is made. A tradition for an enigmatic race far superior than vampires, yet carried out and performed by them, that initiates a competition with the final reward as the winner evolving to a state solely recognized as 'Immortal'. These trials have been known only as 'The Blood Trials'.
The howling winds were relentless with their assault on the expansive sea tonight, the chilling cold accompanying it like a partner in crime. Yet a pair of undaunted figures still traveled along its surface with nothing but a steed. A steed formed from an ashen mist down to its hooves, cloven down the centre. The body dripped off to sickly green strips as the wind tore at it, only to be replaced with the same pale shade.
Upon the rear end, a short, stout, figure rode with a black cloak concealing his entire body and a wooden staff burdening his back. Holding the reins, the rider, was a towering person clad in a pearl white robe, the hood hanging back loosely and exposing his pale, deathly, and bald skin; littered with wrinkles and tight patches that almost bore the bone to the surface.
Land was soon in their reach, the shoreline approaching slowly and the unmistakable dance of lights stretching from the various buildings that lay ahead of them. The winds had also died down, whispering their last breath as they became replaced by the passing of cars and warmth of light from the bridge overhead.
A sudden burst of a rushing car's horn causes the horse to rise to its hind legs, erupting into an intense whinny; their rider extending his shaking hand towards the mane and opening his mouth, but no words escaping his dried lips. Without warning, the hind rider speaks with a gravely and gritty voice, but hushed into a flat tone.
"Hush now, hush now. We are almost there. We are almost at the beginning."
Returning his hand to the invisible reins, the white rider quietly looks ahead and the steed continuing on in an equal silence; treading with only subtle, soundless steps. At last, the horse begins taking the first few steps onto the edges of land. The hind rider speaking once again in a similar voice.
"We're here..."
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,856 Reviews
Hello! I noticed Chapter 2 in the Green Room so I thought I'd check out Chapter 1 first so I know what's going on.
Now onto the review:
First of all, I LOVE vampires so you had me interested from the get-go.
Not sure why there's a big gap between the first paragraph and the next time, was that on purpose?
I really like your descriptions of the weather, you paint a great picture.
'A steed formed from an ashen mist down to its hooves,' - that sounds so cool!
'The body dripped off to sickly green strips as the wind tore at it, only to be replaced with the same pale shade.' - I kind of understood what you meant here but it sort of clashes with the first description to me. Now I'm picturing a more solid sort of horse with sort of green flame/mist tearing from it? I think this needs to be altered a bit.
The description of the white rider was something I was not expecting, so that had me intrigued. When I think of vampires, I picture them dark and shadowy and mysterious and the rider seems the total opposite. Although I'm not actually sure at this point if he even is a vampire so I might be jumping the gun.
'A sudden burst of a rushing car's horn' - car's horn should be 'car horns'.
'their rider extending his shaking hand towards the mane and opening his mouth,' - 'it's rider extends his shaking hand...and opens his mouth'
'the steed continuing on in an equal silence;' - 'continues on'
Overall I enjoyed this piece, it was an intriguing opening, I will get on with reading the next chapter!
Also, I have written a few vampire short stories and am uploading a vampire novel on here and I would really appreciate it if you could check any of them out and let me know what you think!
Hello there! Holographic Ladybug here for a review!
)
(I apologize if I sound gruff, I'm only trying to help
While I'm mostly okay with the prelude, but I feel like it's telling rather than showing and it would be better if you could reveal it within your story. Of course, that depends on what you have planned. I wouldn't suggest doing what I'm saying if it won't fit into your story well.
I apologize, but I don't really feel hooked by your first sentence. It just doesn't interest me and I'm lost after the first few words. I kept reading, but I simply wasn't interested in it all. I'm not saying you've done a bad job (you've probably done quite a good one) but I'm just saying that I don't feel hooked into your story.
Because this is a review and just telling you that I don't feel hooked and leaving is kind of mean and rude (and also makes for a pointless review), I'm going to suggest a few things. You can take them or leave them, your choice. I'm not trying to force anything on you.
Since this is your first paragraph (which naturally has your first sentence in it
Also, while your paragraph is actually somewhat intense in a way (I'm probably confusing you at this point), I'm not actually feeling it. Maybe part of the problem (that I see) is that your description probably isn't enough (or intense enough
~(At this point, I've probably confused you really badly and am making no sense nor helping at all. Sorry about that.)~
This is where I feel that everything dies. I'm also a bit confused at this point and I'm simply less interested than I was. I'm not quite sure what you could do about this, so I'm probably no help right now. Sorry again.
So I've probably messed up and have ended up not helping you at all. I'm not sure if I'm helping you, but I've tried, right?
Enough about me!
As you can see, (or I can see) there are some things that could use a bit of work on. But aren't there always?
Farewell!
~Holographic Ladybug~
Alright, whenever I see a 'Chapter 1' I like to read it and see if I want to keep up with the story. I could get behind this.
Your style of writing is great and the storytelling comes of clean and understandable. I think a little more description of the their world as a whole would be good because I thought they were far in the past but they have cars.
I know that the rider is supposed to be mysterious but that can turn some readers off, I still liked it though. He should definitely be explained soon.
I did not really find any grammatical errors or mistakes so that is good. I would like to see where this goes. Keep writing, bye!