“Back, you foul beast!”
I lunge and parry with the giant mutated hamster, avoiding its wicked and sharp teeth. I duck, diving underneath its stomach. I lance the monster with my blade.
It falls, and I feel a strange sense of justice. It serves it right for distorting the image of such a beloved animal.
I hear a patter of footsteps behind me. Another creature?
I snap my head around, looking for its source.
The crash of something falling wakes me from my dream with a jolt. What’s going on?
After a moment of silence, the scuffing of feet on the hardwood reaches my ears once more.
Of course. Isabella.
I peer at the clock across from me. It’s six am. She’s right on schedule.
“Ben,” I call, poking the blanket mass beside me.
He groans, rolling over.
“What?” he whines, still half-asleep.
“I hear Izzy.”
“No, you don’t. It’s only a dream.”
He wraps an arm around me, burying his nose in my hair. It makes me want to laugh.
Let’s just say my husband is not a morning person.
“You know she’s going to start knocking soon.”
“Not if we pretend we’re asleep,” he counters, yawning. “Or better yet, actually be that way.”
A light tapping sounds against the door.
“I was right,” I say, smug.
“She needs to learn she can’t have everything she wants,” he replies, burrowing deeper into his pillow.
“Mommy?” I hear a small voice ask. “Daddy?”
The knocking increases in frequency and intensity.
I move to get up and open the door, but I’m held down by my husband’s arms.
“Don’t do it,” he warns. “If you let her in, there won’t be any more sleeping.”
“She’s going to interrupt us anyway.”
“Mommy,” I hear Izzy whine again, her voice muffled. “Daddy, please.”
“Why did we have a kid?” Ben asks, sullen.
“I don’t know,” I reply, holding in a giggle at his tone. “You’re the one whose idea it was to get me pregnant.”
“You let me put it there.”
“Of course I did. I liked the idea.”
“Do you now?”
“Most of the time.”
The sound of sniffling comes through the door.
“Don’t you love me anymore?” Izzy asks, and my heart breaks.
“They’re not real tears,” Ben says. “She’s manipulating you. You’re too soft.”
“This coming from the man who dressed up as a princess on her birthday because she cried when the one we hired didn’t show up.”
“That was one time.”
All noise has ceased outside.
“See?” Ben asks. “I told you it would work.”
“Okay, fine.”
I let myself drift back into my warrior dream.
The pain that then comes from my ribs is very real.
I crack my eyes open just in time to see Izzy pile drive her father in the chest.
“Breakfast time!” she cheers.
“Alright, alright,” he answers, defeated. “I’m up.”
As we trudge out of bed to make our daughter breakfast, I ruffle Ben’s hair.
“I told you so.”
“Shut up.”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,023 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
I'm new at this "review thing" but I hope I can be the best of help!
To start off with your story was captivating and yet simple, which is something that people often overlook in story telling. I think you did a great job of it. The relationship between the parents is so nice to read and sink my mind into. One of the things I would change is the dream and how it correlates with the story.
Of course, dreams rarely ever relate to the day we previous had or the one that is about to be made, but the world of storytelling has many different rules you can play with to make the story more interesting for the reader. If I was reading this and the dream you had written about at the beginning had some relation to the plot of the story, it would leave me questioning things and becoming more intrigued by what's going on, are you following?
EX: The monster in her dream could of been trying to wake her up, it could have awoken by something the character did, etc. You can play with it if you'd like. I really like your story overall, hope I could of been of some sort of help, even if it was just letting you know I liked your story.
Keep writing and enjoy the rest of your day.
-Blogger101
Hi Storygirl95, I have a quick review for you
I have to say, I really think you captured some solid pillow talk magic here. The setting is very routine, and ordinary, but it just goes to show that having truthful characters can bring these situations to life!
I did enjoy the transition from the dream to reality. However, I feel like a vivid dream like the one the main character is having is very involved, so if she was jolted back into reality it would take a few moments for her to make sense of her surroundings?
"The crash of something falling wakes me from my dream with a jolt. What’s going on?
After a moment of silence, the scuffing of feet on the hardwood reaches my ears once more.
Of course. Isabella."
There seems to be a few missing sentences here that could really capture the moment of confusion, and bleariness in making sense of what is going on before it dawns on her that it's actually her daughter.
Anyway, this was a refreshing piece. Keep up the good work, and hope to see more!
Hello Storygirl95, steampowered here to review your work!
Hmm, I rather liked reading this. I love reading stories which tell a story in so few words, since it’s a talent I never had (I always need at least a million words to tell any sort of story) However, I feel like it could possibly do with a little more of a plot. The mother has a dream and the daughter comes and jumps on the bed. It’s a good start, but I felt like the most engaging part was definitely the beginning with the giant mutated hamsters (nice touch, by the way) and then later on it fizzles out a bit. The parents have a conversation about the kid, allude to a couple of funny bits (like the dad dressing up as a princess) but generally the best bit was at the start. However, that’s just my opinion and if you like it as it is, I wouldn’t change it. This is just me being super-critical.
Hmm, what is going on? Did the kid knock something over? Whatever it is, you don’t fully explain it later.
I think this should be “sullenly”.
Hahahaha! Emotional blackmail! I love it!
I have to admit, I can identify with this even though I don’t have kids.
Overall, I do really like the grumpy, sleepy love between the mother and father and the conversation they had. More action between the dialogue might be nice, since there’s a lot of dialogue in this, but generally I think it’s really well-written. It’s not laugh-out-loud funny but it definitely brings an amused smile to the face simply because it is so easy to identify with (and if I can identify with it, a parent certainly will!)
I also like the ending; it brings the story right back to the title which is always nice.
Hopefully this review was of some help to you. Keep writing, and I look forward to seeing more of your work!
-steampowered-
Hi again! Still replying haha.
This was actually a flash fiction piece limited to 500 words at the time, but I have no issue (since I'm not restricted here) with expanding it a bit. I'll go back through and change some stuff.
Really, I AM excited that you reviewed for me. I just didn't want you to think I was ignoring you, so I wanted to reply before maintenance happened.
Someone told me I'm not "allowed" to use adverbs like sullenly, but I actually prefer it that way if I'm being honest haha. I like -ly words.
Anyway! Your review did help me, and I'll use it later to edit.
Thank you so much for stopping by. ^_^
I love this!
Thanks!
I love YOU!
This was so cute. The dream at the beginning was mislead in a positive way, it made me think the story was going to be told from a child's perspective, and it was a nice and funny surprise to see that it was actually a mother narrating the story. The way the story is set up, with only one or two sentences per line, helped the story move along, in my opinion (or I might feel that way because of my very short attention span). Your dialogue was probably the best part of this short, and I'm glad there was so much dialogue, because it just got better and better the further I read. The most adorable thing I've read in a while, good job.
Awww, thanks! I'm so happy you liked it! :>
I have a dialogue problem haha. I like it too much, so all my stories end up being dialogue heavy. It's good to know it worked out.
I like short lines too, I don't know why.
Thanks again, and for reading too! I appreciate it. ^_^
Just thought I should say that I TOTALLY HAVE A DIALOGUE PROBLEM TOO! Like "Hey, let's just make this person talk all day and nothing else, that's great, right?" Haha
I know how you feel haha.
Who needs description, or setting, or events at all? JUST TALKING.