Quick note: this is told from the perspective of Shogg from the novel "Triss."
Shogg
A kind word, a smile- that was your signature.
Even in battle, you shone.
When the sun died
I’d look at your face, see myself
As if in a mirror.
Is that a tear I see?
Let me wipe it away like so much salt water.
We’ve seen worse, haven’t we?
Better yet, I'll save it
In a jar, the glass as rare
as starfire.
Promise me, Triss,
That you'll do the same.
Keep a little reminder;
That handsome boat you named for me
Should do.
I'll go now. It's hard, I know.
Tell Kroova that I miss him
And I'm sure I can find hotroot
Here, even in Dark Forest.
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Canary word: Present
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,844 Reviews
I think you did a great Job on this poem.
these are my favorite lines. I have never read the novel "Triss" so I have a limited perspective on this poem. I like the imagery and similes you used in this poem. Keep writing FictionThank you very much, Matt!
If you're interested, check out Triss: A Tale from Redwall
by Brian Jacques.
I really like this. I don't know the story it's based on, but right from the start, I was pulled in. The first couple of lines were so simple yet they showed a gentle relationship between the narrator and the person being spoken to, and that's reflected again, with: "We’ve seen worse, haven’t we?" and I love the stanza that follows that. As rare as starfire, I like the connection with the title as well. I like your line breaks, particularly in the second-to-last stanza, it makes "should do" sound even better, for some reason. I don't have a complaint, but I hope it helps to know which parts worked really well. Great job.
From the very start I was lost.
THe title drew me in because it was familiar, and thats not really something you want, but from what I can infer, this is based off of something pre-existing, and if so I apologize.
Now.
really, the only complaints I had were just stated, otherwise: it came as a monologue, which being a narrative poem makes all the sence in the world, but really it was... uninteresting.
Pick it up with some more flavor than delicately placed words and imagery, it all needs to be solid.
Hi Stori. This was a pretty good piece of poetry. It wasn't excellent, but it certainly wasn't as terrible as some of the things I've reviewed here on YWS. Let's get to it then.
Signature can mean a variety of different things. However, I know you're referring to a "signature move", or a word or action that someone defines themselves by, and that's okay, but I suggest that it be removed, for two reasons. Firstly, especially since this poem is posted on the internet, most of us are going to want to think of a "signature" as this little phrase, quote, whatever, that appears under our posts.
Also, "signature" doesn't really seem to flow well with rest of the line. Why this? It seems to keep the line moving on much longer then should be. When you read poetry, you often feel a rhythm in the lines. Sometimes you can predict it, and I was expecting a one-syllable word. A word like 'way' would do, but of course you can pick your own.
This line seems a bit redundant. Isn't someone naturally going try their hardest to be brave? I suppose there could be exceptions, but you might want to make that clear to the reader so they don't have to read over this line twice. Perhaps mentioning something about hopelessness, the fact that loss of life might be at stake?
Um. Is the figurative or literal? For either case, you might want to explain a bit more.
That's really all I have. Okay, now, I understand that this is from a story. Some of my nitpicks might be explained in the story, but that shouldn't matter. Whether you wrote it or another person did, you want to make sure that that this material is understandable by those who haven't picked up the book.
-Elinor