Published December 2, 2008
Whatever else happened, I was thoroughly sick of "being" Terrence Rayne. I shifted back to my real form and breathed a sigh.
"Not bad for your first try," the instructor said. A smile tugged at the corner of his lips. "You may take the rest of the day off. But remember"- his gnarled finger pointed at my face- "you are not allowed to Shift without supervision."
Yes, Instructor," I said obediently. I turned to go.
"One more thing, Trainee: don't let your features shift."
I ducked my head. "Yes, Instructor," I repeated, and hastily exited the room.
Outside, I let the mild breeze ruffle my hair. Like all trainees, I had to keep it long.
A short bus ride took me to my apartment. It was a simple student's quarters: small pantry, a roll-up cot, and little else. At least I had gotten it to myself; as the Grandmaster's apprentice, I was entitled to a little personal space.
I quickly changed out of my black apprentice's suit and changed into a more comfortable tunic and trousers. Tying back my unruly blond mane, I flopped down on the cot.
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140,171 Literary Works • 673,032 Reviews
This was pretty good, and there wasn't a lot of things that needed to be changed. I feel though you should add a little more detail to draw the reader in. Other than this i can't wait to read the rest.
He, I mean I, was just trying to put something down.
How long did that take you....definitely less time than it took to reveiw two things so that you could post it...i always wait till i got a really BIG chunk of writing till i post...make the most of your posts!
It was an interesting short piece... but that's the thing... EMPHASIS on short! I really can not tell where the story is going... Is the main character a shape shifter? WHy do apprentices have to keep their hair long? Also, we do not really get to know the character... It needs to be longer! You had a lot of grammatical errors (especially with punctuation marks)
Can't really say any more!
okay so i think i actully caught what he shifted into although it is rather vague and rather throughly out of reach.He shifted into a human. if thats the cas then what is this thing? I think I have an answer for that to i get a picture of a large cat whenIi read this. If not wholly disregard this. This isnt a bad begging if the begging was finished but as it is now it lacks anything and everything im sorry dude but it's the truth. Don't let that get you down though man this could be a great story if you contiuned it.
You're touching on a good idea but the grammar jars it. And although it could work well as a beginning to a story, it still needs a bit of bulking up to draw us in a bit more. Short and sharp is Ok, but if it does not engage the reader with character or at least some sense of environment, then it can leave a reader frustrated.
That said, it's an interesting idea and I like the word 'Shift' for this concept.
L
I have to agree with the other critiques, where is the rest of the story?? Come on, you cannot tell me you think this is complete.
I think, however, that the title is very appropriate. Nice work with that, titles are my ultimate weak point. But why do you capitalise "shift" all through the story? Unnecessary!!
I have to disagree with aloe, adverbs are our friends! They enhance pieces of writing to an infinite degree, when used correctly. Although some of yours are a bit... excessive.
Duh, it's "in embarrassment". You don't usually duck your head for any other reason, do you?
If you're going to keep the -'s on each end (which I strongly don't recommend), you had better change the "pointed" to "pointing". Just put a comma after "remember" and get rid of those silly dashes.
Next time perhaps post a little... more? I can't help notice that most of these reviews are longer than your story.
An interesting hook to the story and I am excited to see where it goes. That being said, I do have a few criticisms.
In most cases, you capitalized the verb "Shift," but not the first time you used to.
Also, you really did not give us enough plot to work with. I am not sure if there is a reason you put the word "being" in quotation marks, but it did not add much from the little bit you gave us.
Finally, pay attention to your punctuation marks.
Aside from that, the story has certainly caught my interest and I can't wait to see where it goes.
Ha ha.. Don't switch your features.. It was really short though.
By the way, what does he/she turn into to?
Hmmm...This was very disappointing. You should post at least 500 words so readers can follow something. I can't comment on this.
I can't decently critique this cause there's nothing here to critique!
right anyway, on to something less mean.
drop thoroughly, adverbs are bad juju. it works just as fine without it and it reads a lot better.
first you got to open quotes before you close him and the obediently is hinted at in the dialogu, it is an adverb, and it is redundant. thee strikes, its gone.
remove hastily. it works just as well without it.
overall: where's the rest of it. i know Hemingway wrote a famous short story in six words, but this just doesn't cut it! there isn't even a cliff hanger here! and who's this terrance rayne anyway? im with the other reviews, this needs to be changed and lengthened before it is actually any good. 4/10. keep writing.
(sorry 'bout being mean)
Yeah, what she said.
Snoinkledoinkle is right, you should put more thought into something before you post it. This is completely random and rather useless. Of course, it hints vaguely at interesting things; like characters, training, society, strange abilities and a story. But it only hints at them. It's actually really annoying.
Are you going to post more of this? So, we actually know what's going on, can see the world, engage with the character and gain an understanding of the situation?
I hope so, otherwise you've just wasted our time for no reason.
Cheers,
Dude. This has horrible grammar. There are missing quotation marks, oddly placed commas, punctuation that doesn't make sense, words that are capitalized that really don't need to be capitalized, and other stuff. And this is a short work!
Only capitalize words that are titles and don't have "the" proceeding it. So no talking about "the Instructor."
Also, this doesn't seem to be a complete work. This is an introduction. In some of my works I do this:
There's this scene with this character, yada, yada.
He does something stupid.
Cliffhanger!
#
Next scene!
... and so on. So, instead of having a grammatically sucky first part which really doesn't contain too much plot, if any, and only a hint of conflict, you could write the whole story (if it's short) and put it all up. The "#" is your friend.
Basically? I would like to see more thought put in your story before you post it.
Good luck writing!
Well what has me going is what the bloody hell does this Terrence turn into? Until I have this answered I will be in suspense wanting to see more. How could you put this on me!