That stupid emerald is trying to steal my thunder. Never mind that I'm a diamond, set in fourteen-karat gold. Never mind that she's one of several stones in a bracelet that's probably just copper and zinc.
Particularly irksome are her remarks about my origins inside a volcano. As if she didn't come from a boring old mine.
I have hopes, though. There's a man who keeps coming by my display case. He looks fairly well off, too; maybe he wants an engagement ring.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Stori,
This is an interesting an unique concept, and I like the voice that you're able to create for the diamond. However, this is way too short a story to make a genuine impact on the reader. This feels like an outline, a sketch of something that should be bigger. As soon as we start getting into the story and what the diamond is thinking and feeling, it ends. Now, since this for a contest, you're probably getting points on characterization. Right now, you've introduced two traits of the diamond to us; (1) they don't like the emerald, and (2) they would like to leave.
Embellish these points as you'll get to develop the diamond more as it is what drives the story. How does the diamond feel about sitting in a glass display case. Is it a lone diamond, or part of a larger piece of jewelry? I'm assuming that it's a part of a ring due to your ending, but you need to make that clear to us. Describe the scene a little bit more; what would a typical day at the jewelers be like? Does the diamond make note about the different types of people that come and go?
Why, exactly, do they not like the emerald? What makes it steal the diamond's thunder? Do more people look at it, are more copies of it sold, while the diamond that is your main character sits in the same display case wanting to be bought? I'd also look more into the origins of each -- is the diamond proud of where it came from? How do they use this as ammunition against the emerald?
I also think that there is more that you could do with your ending. Right now, it just sort of ends, and while some stories can work like that, the ending of yours leaves me wanting to know more. Does the diamond know that the man coming in wants an engagement ring, and if so, how? Otherwise are they just being overly hopeful? And despite what the diamond knows and thinks as the man is coming in, I'd like to know what ends up happening! Does it get bought, or is it just a false alarm?
Overall, think this could really be a good story if you just add to this and give it more detail and characterization. Hope this helps you with your revisions, and good luck in the contest! Feel free to drop me a note if you have any further questions.
~ Elinor