Who will cry when I break,
When I smile but it's only fake.
As I fall and hit the floor,
Who will cry when I can't bear no more.
Who will cry when I see,
That the only failure here was me.
I was one to blame,
Left to die face my shame.
Who will cry when I'm done,
When my memory of me has gone,
Who will care if I run.
Who will cry when I can't feel,
When my mind becomes so numb,
Who will take this pain to steal.
Who will cry when I Cry,
Care enough to ask why,
Who will care who will see,
That the little girl in me,
Is dying day by day,
Consequences she's to pay.
Ache blooms spreads within,
Who will cry when I reach my Fin.
When will I wake,
I'm close to a break.
Feeling so weak,
My heart is close to reach it's peak.
On the edge I stand alone,
Feeling harder then a stone.
Who will find that little girl I lost,
Within me without a cost,
Who will cry when I die,
Watch my sorrows all fly by.
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139,444 Literary Works • 672,564 Reviews
Hi there:)
I'm gonna start off by saying I loved this poem and I thought your rhyming was really good.
The words really spoke to me and I thought it was something that a person could relate to.
The only thing I didn't like was "Who will cry when I'm done,When my memory of me has gone,Who will care if I run.Who will cry when I can't feel,When my mind becomes so numb,Who will take this pain to steal." You stopped rhyming in the middle of the poem and it kind of made me lose track. If you are rhyming throughout the whole poem, you should continue to rhyme.
Hope this helps,
Rememberdecember
Hi there!
You're stanzas are in great shape, the poem flows very well if you recite it, and the rhyming pattern is in "A-B-A-B" position. All I have left to say is... amazing job! You let your emotions out pretty well! Awesome job and keep it up!
I really liked this poem. It fits "Dramatic Poetry" very well.
- gleek456 <3
Wow, amazing.
This whole song is rythemed well, and every word falls just in the right place and order!
But, one thing you have to take care for: make some space between verses. It's very important, I found myself wondering where the verse is over and a new verse begin.
Overall it written well, in short- exellent.