Analee: Chapter 1
Have you ever wondered what its like to be a faerie? The beautiful wings, flying, and the powers. Well, hate to break it to you, but we don’t have wings, and we can’t fly.
We sort of have powers though, but nothing special. We make healing potions, plant potions, animal potions, etc. We unfortunately hate humans; they supposedly found their way into our world and caused great destruction. I don’t believe any of it. You’d think that I, like all the other faeries would enjoy my life as a faerie. Well I don’t. I don’t like making potions, and I certainly don’t hate humans.
I guess there has to be at least some upsides to being a faerie; I am one of the rare kinds of faerie. I have the power of invisibility. I use my power a lot, to hiding from my parents, to hiding from other faeries, to just going invisible randomly. Other faeries have the power to control plants and animals.
In case you were wondering, I’m Analee. As you see I don’t like being a faerie. I want to be a human. I’ve wanted to be a human ever since I was a little girl.
My Story
I wondered out of the faerie world and walked for hours. After awhile I started hearing laughter. I stood behind a tree and peeked around the side to see what I was hearing. They were kids. Kids, running and playing. Knowing better I didn’t let them see me, because if they did I would be in a lot of trouble with my parents. I sat there starring, watching every movement of them. But there was one child that caught my eye. A black haired boy, he wasn’t running, playing, or laughing. He was just laying on the grass looking up at the sky. I wondered what he was thinking. Just when I thought that he looked over my way and our eyes locked. He starred at me, and I starred at him. I was frozen in place, not knowing what to do. He smiled at me and lightly waved at me. I waved back then without thinking turn and ran away back the way I came. I never stepped a foot out of the faerie world again.
Well that’s my little story, I’ve thought a lot about going to the human world again, but never had the courage to. But today is different. Today I’m running away. My parents don’t understand me at all. They never bother to listen to what I have to say. They just think I have something wrong with me all because I don’t participate with other faeries nor do faerie like things.
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Blake: Chapter 2
I’m lying on the grass with the bright sun blinding my eyes. Looking at the clouds, birds, and listening to all the sounds around me. I close my eyes, taking in this moment of peace.
“Come on Blake! Play Tag with us.” Said my friends, I ignored them, but opened my eyes to look around. I looked back up at the sky, seeing a cloud shaped like a dragon eating a pie I lightly smiled to myself.
I was about to close my eyes again when I heard leaves crunch. I looked towards the trees, from where I heard the noise from. There was a girl there, she was very pretty, her dirty blond hair wavy and a bit of a mess, But what really caught my attention was her eyes. An icy-blue rimmed with dark, dark blue around her pupil. Her eyes showed that she was scared. I stared at her. I couldn’t hold back a smile, I decided to wave at her too. She seemed to loosen up a little. She looked more curious then scared now. My heart skipped a beat when she smiled and waved back, but sunk when she turned and ran away.
I got up and ran after her. She couldn’t be that fast. I was wrong. I ran for about an hour until I finally gave up on trying to find her. I took my time walking back home. I spent the rest of the night thinking about that mysterious girl.
“BEEP, BEEP!!! BEEP, BEEP!!!” I manage to turn my alarm clock off after hitting it about 10 times.
“Blake dude, get up! Today’s the day we go out and party and meet some chicks!” Said Kevin. Kevin’s is my crazy best friend. We are complete opposites. When Kevin is obsessed with girls, drinking, and partying, I’m either reading, taking long walks alone, thinking of that girl I saw 6 years ago, or sleeping.
He’s the only person I have in my life to count on. My mom works 20 hours a day, so whenever she has those 4 hours off she’s either sleeping or at the bar. As for my dad, he left when I was 3 years old. I’ve thought many of times of what it would be like if he stayed with my mom and me. I’d have someone to throw the ball around with, talk about sports with, or any thing else that I’ll never talk to my mom about. I look at the time; Kevin must have set my alarm for 6:00pm.
I groan. “I’m not going, I don’t feel like it.” That is the truth I’m not a partier, and not interested in meeting anyone new.
“What the heck do you mean!?!?! You HAVE to go! You promised. Come on man, do this for me! I can’t go all alone. I need a wingman.”
“Fine, Whatever, I’ll go! I’m not going to meet girls, so don’t go trying to hook me up like you always do.” My mind is set on finding that girl from 6 years ago. I may not ever see her again, but it’s defiantly worth a try. There was something about her that makes me curious.
“Thank you so much man! Now get up lazy, I promise I wont try to hook you up, but I don’t need you looking like the boogie-man.” I laughed and threw a pillow at him.
I took my time to get ready. Taking a long shower, and dressing slow, just to get on Kevin’s nerves. I spent the rest of my time sitting on the couch eating some Easy Mac.
About an hour later Kevin walked out of his room ready to go. And I thought I took long to get ready!
We drove for what seemed like hours. Kevin kept taking the wrong turns. When we finally got to the party not many people were there yet, whoever was throwing the party already had a keg, pops, chips, salsa, and various types of other foods. Kevin was already hitting on a couple of girls. I found my way around and went and sat in the basement, it had a DO NOT ENTER sign on the door, but I didn’t care. There were books everywhere of all kinds, I finally just grabbed one and sat on the couch, I just opened the book and stared at the pages trying to read it, but my mind kept wandering. I found myself thinking about the little girl. Thinking of what it would be like now if I was able to find her and talk to her. Would we be friends? Would we be more than friends? I’ve thought about that plenty of times ever since I saw her. All of a sudden reading the book sounds really good right now. Maybe it will make me forget about the fact that I’m sitting in a stranger’s basement reading, and forget about the girl for awhile.
I opened the book back up again and started reading. This is going to be a long night; I can’t wait for it to finally ends, only problem is, is that I have no clue when that is.
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Chapter 3: Analee
I stepped into the human world with my bag of clothes and some food. I walked for a long while, when I walked into a big clearing. This is where I saw that little boy. It’s even more beautiful then I remember. The light green grass, dandy lions, and lots of other wild weeds/flowers. Breathing in the cool night air, I looked up at the sky. Spotting the Big Dipper. The stars are simply amazing. In the faerie world we can’t see the stars.
I’ve never found out why though. Taking my time I knelt down and picked a dandy lion. I put it behind my ear along with my hair, and stood back up and started walking towards the bright lights I see far away in the distance.
*****
After walking for about an hour I found myself walking in the streets of a town called Hope. The streets were full of traffic, and the sidewalks full of people rushing to wherever they have to be. I got shoved around by a couple people getting cursed at for being in the way also. I decided to walk in this strange place called a “club”. The music was loud and there were many people dancing crazily. I walked up to a counter where people were holding money out trying to get the guys attention behind the counter. I saw a man holding a big glass of a weird colored liquid in it. I was very curious to find out what it was.
“Excuse me, sir?” I asked the young looking man. He looked about my age.
“Hello there!” he said, almost to cheerfully.
“May I ask what that weird looking drink is called?”
“Oh…this? Ha-ha this is Beer.” He seemed surprised that I didn’t know what it was.
“What is…Beer?” I asked.
He just stared at me looking confused. Is it a bad thing that I don’t know what this beverage called Beer is? He turned away and walked off. Ugh! How rude! At that I walked up to the counter and asked the guy behind the counter if I could have a beer. Once he gave it to me I took a big gulp of it. I was surprised that it tasted kind of good, but it didn’t taste amazing. I took another gulp.
“Whoa there you don’t want to chug the whole glass all at once.” I looked beside me to see a tall brunette standing there. She had brown eyes, and I couldn’t help but notice some freckles across her nose.
“Oh okay” I set my glass down suddenly noticing that I’ve drank half of it… in two gulps.
“My name is Anika! What’s yours?” Hmmm I guess hanging here should be fun.
“I’m Analee.” I said with a smile.
“Well, Analee, are you new around here?” She took a sip of a drink called a martini.
We spent about two hours talking. I listened very carefully to every word she had to say. We talked about places to go, her home town, my home town (I had to make it all up, and I really hate lying.), she went on to talking about guys, shoes, clothing, and everything in between.
“Ooooo! Do you think you would like to go to a party with me tonight? It would be a nice way for you to meet some more friends! We can dance, and meet some cute guys” she said with a very wide smile. I couldn’t help to see that smile go away so I told her that I would.
“Well, before we go to the party, we have to get you out of those clothes. We can go to some amazing stores. I will help you find an awesome outfit. Oh, and don’t worry I have awesome taste in clothing!”
I agreed with her and we were on our way out of the club.
******
When we got to her house I followed her into a store called. She told me her parents were out of town and that she was free to use her dads credit card, “my dad said its only for emergencies, and I consider this an emergency”.
“Okay, well you can just sit down on this bench while I pick out an extremely sexy outfit for you.” I listened to her and sat there for about ten minutes, when she finally came back over to me, and tossed some clothes to me.
“You can go put those on and then come out and tell me what you think, and then we are going to go do something about that hair of yours.” I smiled knowing my hair probably looked like a total mess. I walked into the dressing room, and put the clothes on, then studied myself in the mirror. Wow, I look surprisingly good. She picked out a pair of dark jeans with faded parts here and there, with the pockets having very cute design. The shirt she chose was a black and said “Sinful” on the back. It was comfy, and nicely form fitting. I liked it very much. Casual, yet, pretty.
When I stepped out she smiled and told me I look
“Super great!” She then told me to put my clothes back on so we can buy the new clothing. After we got out of the store she took me to a hair salon, She made me sit on a stool when she brushed my hair, put styling creams in it to give it volume, and curled it to make it look wavy with some perfect curls. She stood back to examine her work.
“I love my hair!! Thank you so much. Its sooooo pretty.” I told the lady that did my hair; her name seems to be Becky.
“Good! Now let’s go parrttaaayy!” Anika said, than after paying we were out the door.
******
When we got to the party I didn’t know what to expect.
We walked into the house and she grabbed us a couple beers. This time I just sipped instead of gulped. After about five dances with Anika I got tired and went to sit down. Anika started dancing and flirting with a couple guys. A couple minutes past and I started getting a headache from the loud music. I walked around trying to find a peaceful room, but I couldn’t find one. I walked up to a door that said DO NOT ENTER. I decided to enter anyway. It was the basement. I walked down the stairs and right away spot all the books around me. I was so fascinated. I started looking from book to book, trying to find a good book to start reading.
“Hi.” I jumped and quietly screamed. I turned around to see a boy around my age sitting on the couch. He looked familiar. His black hair and those eyes. Those deep green eyes. Just then I had a thought that he was that little boy I saw a long time ago…no, it couldn’t be.
“Hey. I’m sorry, I didn’t realize that I wasn’t the only one down here.” I noticed that I was staring at his eyes, and forced myself to look away.
“That’s okay, I’m Blake.” He said.
“I’m Analee. It’s nice to meet you Blake.” I lightly smiled at him.
“It’s nice to meet you too.” He smiled back at me. My legs almost gave out, his smile was amazing.
I sat down on the couch, making sure there was a safe distance between us, and started reading my book. Or trying to at least. It’s hard to concentrate on this book while sitting in a room with a cute boy.
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Hiya,
Welcome to YWS! Just a tip for future posts you make! If you have a long story or a novel that's divided into chapters, you might want to split it up a bit so reviewers don't have to slug through too much. If you don't really know how long is too long, 2,000 words is a good cap limit. The segment you have is about 2,600 words. You can check your word count here. Obviously it's not required, just recommended as a tip for getting more reviews.
Anyway, as for my comments on the story! You have a lot going on, and hint at a possible romance for your MC. You have the boy go out to party and then have a girl give your MC a makeover to make her look and behave more human. Right now it's a lot to stomach, and everything moves along so briskly that there's no real time to observe anything that's going on. Even so, it felt as if the story and the characters were neglected. I wanted to talk about the characters first! So far you've introduced four-Your MC, Kevin, Blake, and Anika. They all seemed very distant, like they fit into generic molds and I didn't know them for who they really were. See below for notes about each character.
A main character is the glue that holds a story together. Without them, we'd be lost and therefore the story would have a sloppy, unfocused feel to it. This is why it extremely important to put a great deal of effort into developing your MC, and developing them well. Because this is written in first person, you have more of an opportunity for getting into your character's thoughts and telling us how she feels about a certain situation. Right now, I don't get a sense that I know her. She just feels like an observer, nodding her head at certain things and expressing little reaction. A good place to start would be that. You've made it somewhat obvious that she has a lust for Blake, but you never really tell us what turns her on. Is it his looks? The way he seems so carefree? Something obviously has to be going on through her head when she first sees him, but you never really give the reader a sense of that.
As for Kevin, he just seems to be a plot device for Blake to get to the party so that he can meet Analee. He has very little dialogue, and just feels so distant, like a generic mold. All that we know is that he's popular and attractive. Throughout a lot of the chapter, Blake seems annoyed with him and annoyed that they have to spend time together. I can't imagine why they'd be friends. Even though he's a minor character, you should still pay attention to him. Remember that while someone may be central in a story, no one is central in the real world.
As for your story, well, I don't really know why Analee is a faerie. The way you've changed around mythology makes them almost human, and Analee seems to be devoid of characteristics that separates her race from humans, it seems even more redundant. She gets a makeover that makes her even more human, and then goes to a party like any high school teenager might do. Since she has found the human world, it doesn't seem to me like it would be very likely for her to go back. It seems like the faerie premise is only a set-up for forbidden love. Now, I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt. You're only three chapters in, and maybe something striking will come along. I'll be itching to see.
-Elinor x