I dreamt I was dying.
I didn't believe where I was. I had hoped to see a dog or something somewhere in the field, but all I saw was green. Just, endless green. Like, why does someone need this much green! A dead person can't complain so I didn't. Because after all, I was dying. So, I was walking peacefully (can dead people walk peacefully?) down this giant wood path. There was an ugly wind that made the green grass whisper some compliments about my hair and such.
All I did, because I was dying, groaned back.
Now, I don't know why I was dying. Probably because I had a twisted my ankle or maybe because I fell down some flight of stairs and did something nasty to my neck. I honestly don't remember because this is dreamland and everything that is inside of dreamland, you honestly forget the next morning. Unless it is one of those weird deja vu dreams that leave you awake at eight in the morning with a cup of coffee pressed against your cheek as you stare into the sun for too long, trying to figure out your life.
Yeah, that kind of dreams is not my favorite.
Back to my dying dream. I didn't want to die but instead, I wanted to run down the wood planks until I reached the end. Make some grass hats for some grass people. Or, maybe eat some flowers. Honestly, I rather am doing that than walking slowly like some zombie. I dreamt I was dying and when I woke up the next morning, I was already dead and buried six feet underground, pounding against the coffin I was laid in.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,021 Literary Works • 672,739 Reviews
Hi there!
I love the way you subvert the "it was all a dream" trope: both by telling us right from the start that it's a dream, and by turning into "turns out it wasn't just a dream" at the end in a really horrifying way.
The opening paragraph I think is a little weak as it is right now.
A couple reasons for that.
"I was dying" - you say in the sentence prior, "a dead person can't complain, so I didn't." We already you're dreaming about dying, so the "because after all, I was dying" sentence is redundant.
The parenthetical. I am a fan of parenthetical asides, but in this case it just feels awkward. I think it's partly because this is a dream, right? And dreams are weird. So it's not at all strange for the narrator to say that they, a Dead Person, are walking peacefully. Plus it's the only parenthetical and doesn't seem to match the style of the rest of the story so much. I guess if you really wanted to say this, you could just say, "So I walked peacefully down this giant wood path, if dead people can walk peacefully."
And then the wind is described as "ugly," but the narrator says it's whispering compliments to them! That doesn't sound ugly to me. That sounds like a friendly wind.
Similarly, the last paragraph.
I think what it is here is that it's so thrown together that the very last sentence - which is brilliant and gives the story a great twist - almost gets lost. Plus, the narrator already describing walking "peacefully," but the way the walking is described here doesn't sound very peaceful, unless zombies are peaceful.
much appreciation steggy. but still your work needs some improvement. like "i had twisted my ankle because i have fallen down and had done something nasty to my neck." plus you started describing it in past tense and then you started writing in present. i think you should consider these improvement. i hope you dont mind, its for your better. xxo
Hello Steggy. Just stopping by for a quick review:
"I didn't believe where I was." This sentence just didn't sit right with me. Maybe it's just the unfamiliar wording, but I couldn't understand what you meant.
"Like, why does someone need this much green?" Starting sentences with like during writing is one of my pet hates. It doesn't add anything to what you're saying.
"All I did, because I was dying, groaned back." I think there might be a word missing here.
"Yeah that kind of dreams is not my favourite." Dream doesn't need to be plural here.
Anyway, thanks for sharing this. I often have very strange dreams and they often inspire me when I'm writing. Not many people post this sort of stuff on YWS, so it was a great change.
Keep writing
Ebony
Hey hey, Ardently! here for a review so that YWS will stop recommending my own works to me..
First of all, I like this story a lot! It's a nice twist, both on the idea of writing about dying as it's a dream, and on the "it was a dream all along" trope, as you tell us from that start that it's a dream. So that made it really interesting to read.
Secondly I found it quite funny (at 4:20am lol). Like there's a lot of great lines in here. "why does someone need this much green" is such a weird question, "a dead person can't complain so i didn't" sounds like the punchline to some standup routine and although it's not really funny per se the "Unless it is one of those weird deja vu dreams that leave you awake at eight in the morning with a cup of coffee pressed against your cheek as you stare into the sun for too long, trying to figure out your life." feels very Douglas Adams inspired.
A few little quibbles. "why does someone need this much green!" should maybe have a question mark instead of an exclamation, although I'm not totally sure on that. "All I did, because I was dying, groaned back." should maybe be "All I did, because I was dying, was groan back." "Yeah, that kind of dreams is not my favorite." should probably be "that kind of dream is not my favourite" or "those kinds of dreams are not my favourite(s)." and "Honestly, I rather am doing" should maybe be "I rather would do that".
Other than that little bit I really don't have anything to complain about. It's funny, it's unique, it's interesting and it's enjoyable.
Happy RevMo!!
~ Ardently! <3 ~