Hey Steggy, Wis here for a review.
I'm going to apologise in advance if I repeat points that other reviewers has made in their reviews as I haven't read them yet. Well, let's jump right to it. So, despite liking the italicised sentence at the start of this chapter, I don't think it's a strong start. Simply because the only clear allusion to it is at the end of the chapter, where he bumps into the stranger and I'm assuming that's the opening and intersection with the other character's reality. I think if you nix it, and simply start with 'I believe...' you might have a stronger opening.
And as I'm reading this, I have one question in my head. Why exactly is he going to Harrisburg? Is it just so that he can prove himself to his mum that he's grown up, that seems to be a pretty extreme way of going about it. And if he's going on a trip, is this his first stop, is this part of his journey, what exactly is he doing in this town, and why? I don't mind a little mystery in a chapter, but there isn't enough context here to support the story.
I’m going to miss them, I had thought when I left the house. I wonder what could await me in Harrisburg
His mother and sister both appeared to be pretty sad, so I'm assuming that there's a bigger reason here as to why he's leaving them. And I think having some of that in this chapter would help a bit more in terms of letting us, as readers sympathise with Rhett. The situation here strikes me as slightly unrealistic as well.
Assuming he's a teenager, and assuming he isn't going to be returning home for a while. Did he just hop onto a train and jumped off at Harrisburg without doing any prior research as to what kind of town it might be? As I'm reading this, my attention meanders off because there is a general lack of purpose in Rhett's character. He's just wondering around the train station with no goal in mind, until well, he bumps into the stranger.
Guide your readers, Steggy. I know you have a plotlline, show us a few breadcrumbs, some action, push us in the direction you want to take us otherwise you risk losing the interest of the reader.
Regarding the ending, I think there's room for more character development. So the stranger seems unusually aggravated given that Rhett just bumped into them, but hey, they might be having a shit day who knows. But if they are,
, this is the place where you can hint at it. Describe the expression in their eyes, or their stiff body movement, did they glare at him, etc because otherwise getting that angry at someone because they unintentionally bumped into them seems a bit stretched.they said, looking up.
So I know I've offered mostly criticisms here, but I do like the chapter. You have an eye for detail, especially with people and places. Your dialogue is good and flows naturally, and Rhett is a pretty likeable character too.
Let me know if you have any questions or comments, and as always, take this review with a grain of salt after all it's only one person's opinion. Have a good day, and keep writing!
-Wisteria
Points: 561
Reviews: 476
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