z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Certain Life - Chapter 1 [Rhett]

by Steggy


I believe sometimes chance creates a bit of a leeway for the past, a small opening that can bring in someone else's reality and that everyone has a chance at something. Like, having the chance to keep going. That sort of thing. Unless they wanted to blow that chance and give up. I should mention that my chances, in the beginning, are slim since most of the time, I don’t expect them. Chances just happen.

As I first came to Harrisburg, I really didn't know what to expect. I had wanted to move to Harrisburg to get away from the constant nagging of my mom and how she'd never wanted her little boy to grow up. It is also relating to how I needed a new scene and not to be cramped in our boring, small town. 

She had been worried about the trip, offering to go with me to Harrisburg beforehand and explore the place. I turned her down, to prove that her little boy had grown up. It was kind of surreal, though, since I was going to be away from my mom and sister for a year. I had to rely on people to make the decisions for me. Where I was going, what I was doing, and how I was doing it, all played an important role in my life, one way or another.

When the day came, she was crying while my younger sister, who tried pleading me to stay home earlier in the day, was fruitlessly trying to calm her down. I’m going to miss them, I had thought when I left the house. I wonder what could await me in Harrisburg.

The train ride wasn’t that bad. There was a twenty-four seven food bar in the dining cart, the showers were surprisingly working, and I was alone in my own cabin for part of the ride, until an elderly couple joined. They were nice and we chatted for a few moments about politics and schooling.

Just as the conversation began to veer to reminiscing about the good ‘ol days, my stop came up. I thanked them and got off the train, blending in with the hoards of people. Some were getting on and off, walking around, and talking about recent events or checking their phones for messages. I spotted a group of laughing teenagers and sighed. I miss my friends back home. I wonder what they're up to. 

I ended up standing on the platform, just staring at what's around me. There were a couple food carts that were selling pretzels, was across from where I was standing, a newspaper rack that had some old men surrounding it, and a stone staircase with fading posters on the walls, that led up to the streets of Harrisburg.

I decided to walk off the platform and towards the information booth, which was adjacent to the newspaper rack. A blonde haired girl had been working, typing on a keyboard and staring at a computer screen. I wonder what she does after she leaves, I asked myself. What life does she live? There was a silver bell on the counter with a small worn out note that read, ring if you need assistance.

I rang the bell with the palm of my hand. The blonde haired girl jolted from her trance and looked towards me. She seemed to be hiding her annoyance under a smile that seemed too helpful.

“Hello, sir. How may I help you?” she asked politely.

“I’m not from around here. Is there a tourist guide that I can look at?”

The girl nodded, reaching over the counter to a small organizer with pamphlets. She took a yellow pamphlet and gave it to me. “That should explain everything to Harrisburg. If you want another one, the red ones are the different restaurants you can find and the blue ones are the seasonal events.”

I thanked her and walked away. As I flipped open the yellow pamphlet, I was greeted by a rush of words and pictures. I was infatuated with the information presented to me that I ended up bumping into someone. They had short cut brown hair and beady green eyes, which was shadowed by a baseball cap they were wearing.

They stumbled backward, muttering under their breath.

I stuffed the yellow pamphlet into my bag. “I’m so sorry. I wasn’t watching where I was going and-”

“I don’t need your apologies. Just watch out where you are going, jerk,” they said, looking up. My breath caught in my throat as they moved past me. It’s only my first day here and I end up making someone mad, I thought, watching them disappear into the crowd. I hope it doesn't happen again.


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Sun Jan 14, 2018 8:18 am
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Apricity wrote a review...



Hey Steggy, Wis here for a review.

I'm going to apologise in advance if I repeat points that other reviewers has made in their reviews as I haven't read them yet. Well, let's jump right to it. So, despite liking the italicised sentence at the start of this chapter, I don't think it's a strong start. Simply because the only clear allusion to it is at the end of the chapter, where he bumps into the stranger and I'm assuming that's the opening and intersection with the other character's reality. I think if you nix it, and simply start with 'I believe...' you might have a stronger opening.

And as I'm reading this, I have one question in my head. Why exactly is he going to Harrisburg? Is it just so that he can prove himself to his mum that he's grown up, that seems to be a pretty extreme way of going about it. And if he's going on a trip, is this his first stop, is this part of his journey, what exactly is he doing in this town, and why? I don't mind a little mystery in a chapter, but there isn't enough context here to support the story.

I’m going to miss them, I had thought when I left the house. I wonder what could await me in Harrisburg


His mother and sister both appeared to be pretty sad, so I'm assuming that there's a bigger reason here as to why he's leaving them. And I think having some of that in this chapter would help a bit more in terms of letting us, as readers sympathise with Rhett. The situation here strikes me as slightly unrealistic as well.

Assuming he's a teenager, and assuming he isn't going to be returning home for a while. Did he just hop onto a train and jumped off at Harrisburg without doing any prior research as to what kind of town it might be? As I'm reading this, my attention meanders off because there is a general lack of purpose in Rhett's character. He's just wondering around the train station with no goal in mind, until well, he bumps into the stranger.

Guide your readers, Steggy. I know you have a plotlline, show us a few breadcrumbs, some action, push us in the direction you want to take us otherwise you risk losing the interest of the reader.

Regarding the ending, I think there's room for more character development. So the stranger seems unusually aggravated given that Rhett just bumped into them, but hey, they might be having a shit day who knows. But if they are,
they said, looking up.
, this is the place where you can hint at it. Describe the expression in their eyes, or their stiff body movement, did they glare at him, etc because otherwise getting that angry at someone because they unintentionally bumped into them seems a bit stretched.

So I know I've offered mostly criticisms here, but I do like the chapter. You have an eye for detail, especially with people and places. Your dialogue is good and flows naturally, and Rhett is a pretty likeable character too.

Let me know if you have any questions or comments, and as always, take this review with a grain of salt after all it's only one person's opinion. Have a good day, and keep writing!

-Wisteria




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Sat Jan 06, 2018 1:10 am
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neptune wrote a review...



Hello again Steggy! Let’s get into the review. :3

I’m so pumped! Already things are happening. Not to mention, Rhett. Rhett. What a beautiful name. My nerdy self decided to look up on Nameberry to see the information of the name Rhett. I found it interesting that the meaning of his name was “advice”. Not sure if that will reflect on the story somehow (I’m way too obsessed with names, haha) but when I advance in the story that’ll unfold. :) I can’t get over his name, I like it a lot.

I had turned her down, in an attempt to show that her little boy had grown up.

The way this sentence is worded is strange. The use of “to show” could have an alternative, maybe something like proving to his mother. “Prove” has a much stronger sound to it and makes more sense in this case.

When the day came, she ended up crying while my younger sister was fruitlessly trying to calm her down.

Although you need to transition into the future, for the purpose of getting the story going, this sudden jump with the overused “when the day came” should be enhanced. And, I think “ended up” should leave this sentence because we already established that the mother is worried about him, as I’m sure any mother would be. I also was a little disappointed that the sister wasn’t described more in this quick scene? She has no apparent emotions or reaction towards Rhett’s leaving.

They were nice and the lady had given me a handful of candy from her purse.

WHY? This seemed a little unnecessary up until Rhett began talking about chances. It seemed out of the ordinary and strange, though?

But what chance did she give me?

I’m confused here? I’m sure I’m supposed to be, haha, but I’m excited for the future chapters for this to be answered/referenced. Like, what chance?

When I got off, hoards of people were getting on and of, were walking around, and talking about recent events or checking their phones for messages.

This is the third paragraph already that starts with “when”. For the sole purpose of not repeating this word constantly and getting into that bad habit, I would try something like “just as” or “later on” etc. With all of these “when”s everywhere I feel like I’m just reading a list of scenes that occur in this chapter, if that makes any sense. This paragraph was also a good start to descriptions but I feel like you could do more!

Sometimes chance creates a bit of a leeway for truth, a small opening that can bring in the reality of someone else.

This sentence was really powerful. But, it cut right into a scene that was getting intense for this chapter. I’d honestly recommend moving this up towards the beginning of the chapter. Then, it would sort of act as a general “theme” for this particular chapter, instead of breaking into the scene.

It’s only my first day and I end up making enemies,I thought, watching them disappear into the crowd. I hope I don’t make anymore.

I’m thinking that “enemies” is a little much for this situation. I mean, I get where you’re coming at but it seemed slightly exaggerated. Perhaps use an alternative for “enemies”, though I do know why you’ve used it but it might just not be the most appropriate? Although it makes a good ending -- more dramatic -- replacing it with a substitute might play out better. I think you should also add “here” so it is “my first day here”. Anyway, talk about an ending! I love the last sentence here. It leaves a little bit of foreshadowing, maybe? I’m getting a sense that big things are going to happen in the future, and I can’t wait!

Besides what I’ve mentioned above, I think some descriptions for the overall chapter would be great. I just read up on a blog about descriptions and using them too much/too little. This plays a crucial role in a novel, especially in earlier chapters. Just a heads up, because I want to get a sense for Rhett’s world! It definitely would help lengthen the chapter, and seeing as there is not much dialogue, some descriptions would boost the strength of this.

So far, I can infer that Rhett is a generally observant fellow. He just wants to be on his own and do something in the world for once. He seems like an enjoyable character, and I’m excited for his development. I haven’t quite got a sense of his appearance but I’m looking forward to finding out in the time to come. :D

I hope my review helped! Looking forward to Macy’s perspective -- I wonder how she and Rhett will meet! If you have any questions about my review, please ask. Thank you~




Steggy says...


Thank you so much for the review! I didn't know Rhett's name meant advice -- I might have to incorporate that later on. ;) I might change around the pacing of this chapter, beginning with the quote or something. But thank you again for this review. :D



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Fri Jan 05, 2018 8:40 pm
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Que wrote a review...



Hello Steggy!
It's been a little while since I've reviewed, so sorry in advance.

Like, someone else’s life is worth living and they have a chance to keep going.

I understand what this sentence means, but it seems written a little bit strangely--specifically someone else? I'm not sure it entirely fits in with the rest of that paragraph, so you might tweak it a bit.

I really did not know what to expect.

Unless you emphasize the "not", I feel like "didn't" works better here.

I wonder what will await me in Harrisburg.

Nice. As the narrator is wondering what will await him in Harrisburg, so do the readers! Why is he going there? What will it be like? Though maybe instead of making this the narrator's direct thought, it might be better if it were just in past tense--"I wondered what would await me in Harrisburg". You don't have to though!

There was twenty-four seven food bar in the dining cart

*a :)

until an elder couple joined. They were nice and the lady had given me a handful of candy from her purse.

Maybe elderly sounds better? Also the candy bit makes me see the narrator as a bit younger than I had previously envisioned--or maybe that kind of old lady giving out candy makes everyone seem young.

When I got off, hoards of people got on and of, were walking around, and talking about recent events or checking their phones for messages.

Maybe since you used were in the second part of the sentence, you should apply it to hoards of people as well. (I can only think of the tense name in French, unfortunately) "Hoards of people were getting on and off, walking around..." Or at least make all those items in the same tense!

I ended up just standing on the platform, just staring at what's around me.

Maybe remove one of the "just"s.

There were food carts that lined a parallel wall across from me,

I don't think you need to say both parallel and across from me. I think either "parallel to me" or "across from me" would work.

I thanked her and walked away. As I flipped open the yellow pamphlet, I was greeted by a rush of words and pictures. I began to be so infatuated with the information presented before me, I had ended up bumping into someone.

You switch tenses at the end of this paragraph, and it sounds kind of awkward. I feel like most of this is a flashback, since presently the narrator is in Harrisburg, but maybe there's some way you can organize it so that you don't need to jump between tenses?

Okay, so the narrator strikes me as rather odd. I mean, he has these interesting views about chances, and I'd like to hear more about that since he doesn't really elaborate. He also seemed to take it really seriously when he bumped into someone, but didn't care as much when people on the train platform ignored him. It's very interesting.

You did a good job of describing what the narrator sees, but there's not much of a reaction from him. Is he swept away? Is he indifferent? Maybe, if this is going to be his first step into a new place, you could also throw in some descriptions of smells or noises (even though I totally never remember to do that) In general, I'd like to get a bit more of a reaction from the narrator, but I'm sure thing will get clearer as the story progresses. :)

I liked this, I'm very interested to see where it leads! I'd love it if you could tag me for future chapters as well. I got a little more nitpicky than I would've liked, so sorry about that, hope something was useful!

-Q




Steggy says...


Thank you so much for the review! Yeah, I have to agree. He's one of my more interesting characters to write about. But, I'll go back and add some reaction bits to when he first gets off the train.




In any free society, the conflict between social conformity and individual liberty is permanent, unresolvable, and necessary.
— Kathleen Norris