I really loved Mighty Mango Naked Juice
At the start, my tongue was always throbbing for its tropical texture
Soothing me slowly just how I liked it
A cool wash that slithered down my body, a sensual avalanche that
Sunk into my stomach an alluring sensation that enticed me back
To the fridge, again and again.
*
But now the cool wash is growing familiar and
Stale. Leaving just the flavor that both bores and annoys me, every night
It'll lay next to me half finished
In a cup on my nightstand, my back turned to it so it can't see me wishing
That I'd taken my time, chosen a juice that hadn't excited my eyes
Only.
*
Now the jug just sees me on our brief morning meetings
Where I'll rush to grab my lunch for work and have to realize
It's still there living with me and rotting away. Becoming less
And less desirable.
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Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
I do love me a good free verse!
This was excellent. I think you've really nailed the aspects of comedic poetry, which can be really tricky compared to more somber topics. I also really enjoy the topic choice. I think that, on the surface, juice might not be something someone would connect with comedy, so I applaud your creative thinking and your ability to place it in such a thoughtfully written set-up. I also have a soft place in my heart for little weirdos and little weirdo things, and this definitely falls into that category.
I do have a couple little editing tips that I think would make this poem flow a little better without ruining any of its integrity. In the second stanza, I would delete "Only". I would also move "wishing" down to the fifth line, let that line be "Wishing that I'd taken my time," and let the sixth line be "Chosen a juice that hadn't JUST excited my eyes".
In the final stanza, I just think that "Becoming less" should be moved down to the fourth line. That way it's a little bit prettier when it's written down, it flows a little better, and it lets that whole ending sentence, that final lasting moment, really have its own time in the sun.
Overall, I think this is really well written, and of course, my edits are just suggestions. Keep writing, and I look forward to whatever comes next.
From Police Headquarters,
Moon
Hello StaticScum!
Here for a short review of your poem today, so let's get started....
Random and well presented, I like this poem quite a bit! The fact that it's quirky and unique is what makes this piece so great.Taking a generic theme and adding some flavour to it with your relatable imagery and extensive vocab is pure genius, and it makes me thirsty too!
Here are some of my improvements :
Get rid of 'at the start' in the first stanza and get straight into the imagery and expression.
'Sunk into my stomach an alluring sensation that enticed me back'
Adding a comma after 'stomach' would go against the repeated style of the rest of the poem, so my advice would be to add 'with' after the word 'stomach'.
There isn't much else I can say about this - the imagery is mastered as well as the description and vocab. If you just tweaked a few things, including the caesura which was the word 'Only' and maybe added a question instead, this would be perfect - for a poem about juice anyway!
If you have any questions or feedback about my review please don't hesitate to respond/ PM
GMills
PenmanshipPriorities
This is quite a quirky poem! I really like, for some odd reason, that it's about juice. It's about a person who begins to drink a certain juice less and less. Am I safe to assume that it has no deeper meaning then it being a poem about mango juice? Also, the flow, it could've been put together a bit better, although, your imagery is excellent. Your description is captivating as well. It's put together well and makes sense. Keep up the good work!
-Flumadiddle
Much thank for kind words and suggestions. Static happy to write poems for all beautiful Scum. Much Happ.
Much welcomes!
Hello StaticScum! Welcome to YWS! Kara here for a (hopefully) quick review!
I really loved Mighty Mango Naked Juice
Give me your soul.With that aside, I'm not the best at poetry but here we go!
Bold = grammar and flow issues.
Italics = suggestions and overall
Strikethrough= removeUnderline = krazy Kara komments.
Spoiler
At the start, m{M}y tongue was always throbbing for its tropical textureSoothing me slowly just how I liked it
A cool wash that slithered down
my body, a sensual avalanche thatSunk into my stomach {with} an alluring sensation that enticed me back
To the fridge, again and again.
*
But now the cool wash is growing familiar and
Stale. Leaving just the flavor that both bores and annoys me, every night
It'll lay next to me half finished
In a cup on my nightstand, my back turned to it so it can't see me wishing
That I'd taken my time, chosen a juice that hadn't excited my eyes
Only. {I would recommend putting "if only" instead of just "only"}
*
Now the jug just sees me on our brief morning meetings
Where I'll rush to grab my lunch for work and have to realize
It's still there living with me and rotting away. Becoming less
And less desirable.
Very good, considering this is about one thing of juice. The flow is kind of good, imagery is mastered, point of the poem is mastered... there's really not that much to say about it. Good job.
Why haven’t you given me your soul yet? --
Kara
Static Scum approves of your words. Much thank.
DemonGoddess is now happy. Much welcome.
I like this. I can appreciate the way it humorous, yet melancholy . =)
Youre words make static scum happy, less scumy. Much thank.