I watched Matt walk across the field, his gold hair perfectly combed surrounded by his friends. He laughed at something and I noticed how perfect his teeth were, for about the ten thousandth time. It’s not like I had a crush on him or anything, God no, but to an artist’s eyes he had the perfect bone structure. Everything about him was perfect, physically anyway.
I remember when we were in elementary school he used to be pudgy and he had this kind of waddle that made me laugh just thinking about. The summer between eighth grade and freshman year was like a magic trick, you know that part where the magician puts an egg into his hat and pulls out a dove? Yeah, the dove was Matt. Somehow in the two months of summer, Matt shed all his baby weight not to mention he grew like a weed. He quickly became the most popular kid in school and the four years since had done nothing to change that. If anything his popularity had grown his senior year. Talk about a god-like status. I mean his bod alone was worth worshipping. After years of playing sports he had an amazing physic. His shoulders were broad and toned, his chest tapered at his hips, and his legs were ribbed with muscles; I would know, I’ve seen them.
I hadn’t done too badly for myself either. I mean, in elementary I used to have this stringy red hair that people would make fun of and I was super skinny. My mom used to take me to the doctor all the time to make sure I was growing right. I guess it wasn’t such a bad thing, I ended up being pretty tall and my hair evened out. When I reached High school I was scouted for the swim team (Go Polar Bears!) so I’ve been swimming ever since then. I would say Matt and I did pretty well for ourselves, considering our lackluster start.
“Whatcha’ doin’, sour puss?” I already knew who it was before he jumped over the back of the bench and sat down; quickly I shut the notebook and shoved it in my bag.
“Jordan.” Jordan McKinley. Since he had joined the swim team sophomore year he hasn’t left me alone and we developed some kind of rocky friendship. I wouldn’t call it a friendship in the normal sense but my day wouldn’t be complete without being insulted at least once by him. I can’t remember the last time he wasn’t bugging me about something or calling me one name or the other. It was like having a stalker but he sucked at his job. I mean he wasn’t bad to look at, it was just his attitude that I wanted to squash.
I didn’t look at him but in my mind I could see his brown hair falling into his face and was one hundred percent sure he was smiling. He was always smiling. I guess I can’t complain I could have been stuck with pessimistic rat for a stalker.
“Alice.” He said in a mocking tone.
“That didn’t even sound like me.”
“That didn’t even sou--“
“You’re impossible.”
“Impossibly good looking.”
“In your dreams.”
“I don’t think your innocent mind could handle what goes on in my dreams.”
“You have a comeback for everything don’t you? I bet you sit in front of mirror practicing.”
“That’s not the only thing I practice.” I turned and looked at him. He lifted his eyebrows suggestively and I couldn’t help but smile. He was such a perv. I don’t even know why I don’t just tell him to leave me alone. Ironically enough, it was probably because he the only person who wasn’t afraid to be himself. He didn’t live by other peoples rules and it was really exciting. Not that I would ever tell him that.
Fairmont Senior High, one of the finest high schools in all of West Virginia. The current building was founded in like, 1928 or something after several ongoing mishaps. The main idea though was birthed in 1876 so a couple years ago the school was listed as a historical place. Not that I can complain, it’s a beautiful campus with trees all around, I think it sits on like, 15 acres or something, so it’s pretty big. The school itself is beautiful to look at; windows all around and a huge front door with steps leading up to it. It’s like a work of art. I knew this place like I knew the back of my hand.
I was knocked out of my musing by a bump against my foot. Quizzically, I looked down and noticed a neon green Frisbee inches away from my foot. Smiling a bit I saw a group of students looking at me expectantly. I scooped up the Frisbee and walked a couple feet to send it soaring away. A boy snatched it out of the air and waved. I walked back to the bench.
"The boys vs. girls swim meet is today, are you participating?" Jordan watched me sit down.
"You know I am."
"Well I hope you brought some tissues for when you cry after I beat you.” God, he was so cocky. This rivalry has seriously gone on for ages. Our rivalry was like the rivalry we had with East Fairmont High. People from others school tried to sneak in and watch us. Never have I ever met someone that I wanted to beat so badly. His I-can-do-everything-better-than-you attitude really rubs me the wrong way. Now I remember why I dislike him so much.
"You say that every meet."
"I mean it every meet."
"Yeah? You've beat me how many times?"
"Once."
“If my memory serves me correctly, I was sick that day.”
“Doesn’t matter, a win's a win.” I shrugged. This conversation was pointless, he would argue this until he was blue in the face and he would still think he was right. Manly pride I guess.
“Remember that when you get beat by a girl…again. I hope you didn’t eat a big breakfast because you’ll be eating my dust.”
“You can talk the talk but can you walk the walk?” He grinned and stood, “Bell’s about to ring, we should go first before we get trampled.”
“Yeah.” I swung my bag over my shoulder.
“Alice!” I turned to acknowledge whoever had called my name and choked. Matt was jogging across the field.
“Um, hey. What’s up?” I felt like he somehow knew that I’d been drawing him. I reminded myself that he most definitely could not know.
“What’s up, bro?” He fist bumped Jordan and smiled, “You guys racing today?” He looked between us.
“Yeah man, I’m gonna beat her today.” Jordan slapped me on the back in a good-natured way.
“Not likely.” I stink-eyed Jordan but he either didn’t see it or totally ignored me.
“Well I heard there’s supposed to be a big crowd today. I hope you guys have your game faces on.” To Fairmont High, swim was a big deal. No, seriously, we’ve won every state title since 1999. Where other schools prided themselves in football, we prided ourselves in swim.
During swim season we had a lot of meets but the one that generated the most buzz was the one between the boys and girls, mainly because it was the fundraiser. All the students and faculty were invited to watch on the stipulation that they sponsored one of the swimmers with a donation. Like I said, it was a big deal.
“Well I gotta go! Good luck to the both of you!” He waved and walked back to his pose.
Ring. Ring. The school bell sounded over the intercom.
“Damn it, I wasn’t in the mood to become a sardine today. I’m gonna go, I’ll see you later.” Jordam took off like a bat out of hell, his backpack thumping behind him. He reached the doors seconds before the horde reached the bottom of the stairs.
I was swept up in the frenzy of the student body. I caught bits and pieces of conversation, smiled when someone said good luck but otherwise I didn’t pay attention. I made my way to the second floor.
I opened my locker and started placing the books I had in my bag in the empty spaces. I counted the books. Five. Then why did I feel like there was something missing? It hit me like a sledgehammer.
My sketchbook.
Fruitlessly I searched my bag to no avail. It was gone.
I heard the chime of my phone and absently pulled it out of my pocket. I looked at the caller ID but it was a number I didn’t recognize.
[Text Message Received]
7:18am [I have ur sketchbook.]
What the hell? I looked around but it was pointless, most people were either on their phone or texting.
Quickly I typed out my reply.
7:19 [ Who is this? –AliceS96-- ]
Send.
Seconds later my phone chimed again.
7:19 [ No1 special. If u want it back u have to agree to my terms. ]
This was so unbearably creepy, this crap only happens in movies.
I heard the warning bell ring overhead so I closed my locker and walked to class before I answered.
7:21 [ What terms? –AliceS96-- ]
7:23 [ Ur willing to play the game? ]
Play? Play! This person thought this was a game?
I heard the teacher call out my name so I raised my hand to notify her I was here, and then looked down at my screen.
7:25 [ What are the rules of this game? –AliceS96-- ]
7:27 [ I will text u a task. if u complete the task I’ll leave 1 of ur drawings in ur locker. if you lose, I keep the drawing to do what I want with. Deal? ]
7:28 [ How will you know I complete the task? –AliceS96--]
7: 31 [ I’ll b watching u ]
7: 33 [How long do I have to complete the tasks? –AliceS96--]
7: 34 [ 1 week ]
A week to complete a mystery task. The stakes were so high: complete the task or be humiliated in front of entire student body…including Matt. Absently I watched my teacher go over the Constitution. Her hand writing was starting to cover the entire board.
In the state of mind I was win, it was hard to stay focused on the lecture. I mean for Gods-sake I was being blackmailed! In comparison this lecture was a waste of my time.
8:45 [ And what if I don’t agree to play the game? –AliceS96--]
8: 46 [ I write ur name on all the pics, photocopy them an post em around school ]
Oh God. The entire student body would see those! What would they think, what would I say? Matt would know I didn’t ask permission but would he tell anyone else? Would they all think I was a stalker? I wouldn’t be able to show my face around school, I would be so humiliated. How could I have let this happen? When did I let this happen?
And that got me thinking. When was the last time I had my sketchbook? The bench, right before Jord--
Jordan. I seethed; that little bastard. How dare him!
8:47 [ Jordan you bastard!!!!!! –AliceS96--]
8: 48 [ Hahaha so u figured it out. Ur not as dumb as I thought u were. BTW ur face is priceless]
I snapped my head up and looked towards the door but no one was there. I leaned back to look through the other but if he had been there he wasn’t anymore. Angrily I typed out an answer and jabbed the send button.
8: 49 [ I’ll show you dumb! So help me, next time I see you, I swear I’m gonna kill you! –AliceS96--]
The bell rang right after I sent it. Quickly, I jumped up and ran out of the room. I skidded to a halt in the hallway and looked left then right. The hall was just beginning to fill with students but not before I caught a glimpse of him. He was stood at the end of the hallway. Smiling.
When he saw me he waved. Then held up my sketchpad.
I swear I saw red. I marched down the hall but he started down the other. I rounded the corner just as he threw my book into his locker and locked it. He turned and looked at me and feigned surprise.
“Oh, what are you doing here?”
“You know exactly what I’m doing here! Give it back!” I swung my fist to punch him but he dodged it easily and grabbed my wrist. Leaning over he whispered in my ear,
“Look at you causing a scene. Wouldn’t it be a shame if someone asked why we were fighting? I would most certainly have to show them.”
He stood back and smiled. It made me sick.
I slapped him.
“Let them ask.” I marched back to my own locker, seething. If this were a cartoon steam would have been coming out of my ears and my head would be on fire.
Someone grasped my shoulder and swung me around.
Pressing his hand against the lockers and leaning over, he effectively boxed me in.
“Do you want the sketchbook back or not?” His breathe was minty fresh and his eyes sparkled with mischief. Such normalacy shouldn't belong to somone so evil.
“Go die.”
“Come on! It’s just a game. I swear not to tell anyone.”
“You’re jerk.” I bit out scornfully. I shoved against his chest but he didn’t budge. I tried to duck under his arm but he just grabbed me with the other.
“Yes, we established that. Just say you’ll play then you’ll be that much closer to getting your sketches back.”
I could feel peoples curious looks aimed at us. The pass period wasn’t that long, 10 minutes at the most, and students were hurrying to their next class not that the limited time prevented them from acquiring juicy gossip.
“Fine. Just get away from me.”
“See, now there’s a good sport. I’ll text you your first task. Now, you better hurry or you’ll be late for your next class.” He backed away, and winked then sauntered off down the hall, like he owned the damn place. Bastard.
My phone chimed.
[Text Message Received]
8:58 [1st task: lose the swim meet ]
Oh no.
End of chapter
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Hohoho, Merry Christmas!
Surprise, Surprise!
) I love the concept of it, too; Alice receives text messages from him with the threat of him releasing her drawing out to the public, and to get them back, a deal must be made: she must do what he tells her to do, and one by one, he will return the drawings back. I like it!
...What? It's not Christmas?
Oh, I was talking about Christmas in July, silly! Yep, that's right, a green little elf here noticed you didn't get the two reviews you deserved, so I'm here to be your Secret Santa!
Anyways, let's crack down into the review, shall we?
I really loved this; it made me realize how much I loved reading teen drama and romance stories. <3 I absolutely loved the character depth (especially the dialogue--like, a lot!), and it was clear you care deeply about them. That's good! An author must first love their own characters before the reader can. I especially loved Jordan here. Now, don't get me wrong, he is a little twerp and he should really get punched in the gut, but that's all for show, right? (Do I smell romance in the air?
So, what are some things you can improve on? Overall you did pretty darn good and I really enjoyed reading this, but every writer can improve in some aspect.
I suggest that the beginning of this piece be a tad bit stronger. I think the story needs a hook. Ya know, the little rope that will wrap around the reader's ankles and plunge them deep into the heart of the story.
Alright, so that was slightly exaggerated, but you get the point! If the beginning has a relatively weaker hook, then readers just may lose interest in reading and stop mid-way through! Now that is a shame--especially since this story has so much potential and really deserve every bit of attention.
So, how can you use a strong hook? That's up for you to decide. The story currently starts off with Alice daydreaming about Matt and then popularity, but I'm sure it can start off stronger than that. What will make the readers continue on? What will force them to not look away? What's something in your story that will hook the reader into the story, and not let them go until it's over? I'll leave that up to you~
I really love this sentence!
Oh, and speaking about sentences. For the most part, your grammar was pretty good. However, I did notice that there was a lack in commas in some places. Now, I'm just getting nitpicky and it's not really worth mentioning, but I'll add in the punctuation for that sentence now.
Yep, that would be the shiny version of it! If you have any questions about punctuation/grammar, please PM me. I'd be very happy to help and hear from you (would even sit down with you and tell you the rules of grammar, or things of that nature)!
Oh, and this is kind of minor too, but when you're typing out the dialogue, perhaps you could add in who says it at the end? It can be a tad bit confusing without it, haha. Just a little suggestion!
Oh, oh, ooh! One last suggestion. Alice is like totally angry that Jordan stole her notebook, and it did at one point say it was because she often drew Matt, but I'm sure there are other things besides Matt, right? Perhaps it could be integrated into it.
And, hey...what if she drew Jordan?
Alright, time to wrap this up! Once again, I overall ADORE this and thanks to you, I'm definitely going to go back to this kind of genre! I'll review your second chapter in a bit.
Keep writing!
~Carina
Hello my dear Starleene, I have to say I simply fell in love with this. I also noticed this has changed from yesterday to today. Anyways I want to just quickly review, because I see some natural errors. These happen all the time for me, it's when you want to write something quickly before losing your inspiration, or that's why it happens to me. Here goes.
First Paragraph~
I watched Matt watch across the field, his gold hair perfectly combed surrounded by his friends. -I'm guessing the double watch is from you reconstructing the sentence multiple time, please fix.
His laughed at something and I noticed how perfect his teeth were, for about the ten thousandth time. -Please fix His to He right before laughed.
Second Paragraph~
Somehow in the two months of summer, Matt shed all his baby weight not to mention he grew like a week. - Like a weed, that's my guess of what you were intending to saying.
After years of playing this sport or that he had an amazing physic. -What sport?
Third Paragraph~
I hadn’t done too badly for myself either. - I'd switch hadn't for hasn't but I think it's more of an author's choice.
Fourth-Seventeenth Paragraph~
No correction needed.
Eighteenth Paragraph~
"The boys vs. girls swim meet is today, are you participating?"Jordan’s watched me sit down. -I believe you forgot the word eyes.
Nineteenth-Thirty-Eighth Paragraph~
No correction needed.
Thirty-Ninth Paragraph~
“Damn it, I wasn’t in the mood to become a sardine today. I’m gonna go, I’ll see you later.” He ran off, his backpack thumping behind him. - You should probably mention it's Jordan for clarification.
?? Paragraph~
Sorry if this is confusing but I'm not sure how to count with the Txt messages...
A week to complete a mystery task. The stakes were so high: complete the task or be humiliated in front of entire student body…including Matt. Absently I watched my teacher go over the Constitution. Her hand writing covered the board from left to write. -I think you mean right not write.
?? Paragraph~
- The I should be capitalized. For all of the following.
7:27 [ I will text u a task. if u complete the task I’ll leave 1 of ur drawings in ur locker. if you lose, i keep the drawing to do what i want with. Deal? ]
7: 31 [ i’ll b watching u ]
8: 46 [ i write ur name on all the pics, photocopy them an post em around school ]
?? Paragraph~
The hall was just beginning the fill with students but not before I caught a glimpse of him. He was stood at the end of the hallway. Smiling. -;Beginning to fill with students'
?? Paragraph~
If this were a cartoon steam would have been coming out of my ears and my head would be on fire. - I could be wrong here but I think a comma after cartoon
?? Paragraph~
He backed away and winked then sauntered off down the hall, like he owned the place. Bastard. - comma after away then switch winked with and
There all I done, I don't believe I missed anything. I can't wait for the next chapter! I love this so much!
I absolutely adore your story! There were only a few minor errors in the story, like when you said "Wow my thoughts were so morbid." I'm not positive if you meant that to be a part of her thoughts or not. If it is a part of her thoughts, then I would change the 'were" to 'are". If it is not meant to be a part of her thoughts, I would take it out of italics. There was also a spelling error that, for the life of me, I can't find right now, you might just want to give the story another read, jut to make sure that it is positively perfect in every single way. Another ting I would tell you is, don't make your character's overly perfect, give them some flaws, make them lose, have Matt not be everything Alice thinks he is. Give them problems that we as readers can relate to on a personal level. No one wants to read about another Bella Swan, but the next Hermione Granger would be a fantastic character, and i feel like your protagonist could go either way.