Published October 24, 2009
his abs are like a cool 6 pack o beer
like the kind he drinks
cuz hes a rebel
his eyeliner sparkles, just like my Eddy weddy bear
my Hunky Vampy Boy
my Hunky Vampy boy
he sits across the room in bible studies.
his lacks of faith is so hot.
i know i can change him.
cuz we are soulmates
we are soul mates of love
but then there is my Jacob.
he sits in the front God behind his words.
so good, so pure so right.
I'm just so torn between.
torn between the two.
So torn between the two.
my head screams for my good boy
my heart goes for my vamp
i know my heart is right
but my brain is so hard to fight
please god help me, help me choose the one
help me figure out who is right
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
141,399 Literary Works • 674,387 Reviews
Oh my God!!
What's this supposed to be?
First of all: I don't know if I'm really sorry to say this, but this is awfully childish and immature. and I really don't know what to say about this, but I think the poem cannot be saved.
Second: Your grammar was totally lacking and took out the little sense the so called poem had. The use of 'cuz should not be allowed inpoetry unles is used correctle
Third. Your wording was totally terrible, and I'm not saying this to offend you, but that seemed very third grade.
You'll have to excuse me but this is not poetry.Poetry is about transmiting emotions, showing an image; it's about flow. Poetry is an art and this is not poetry. Poems have shape.
Fourth. the rhyme for heaven's sakes! the rhyme! I don't know if you know but forced rhyme sounds terrible in a poem and...
poems not always have rhyme.
The last but not least, Twilight fanfic is overdued. It has become a cliche even, it is now the most written piecce on earth and I honestly consider that it's foolish. Why? because why do we need more when we know that all Twilight fanfic will be about Edward's beauty-besides the shallowness of that.
Excuse me if I offended you, but I was just trying to help.
Hi Star. I agree with Random and Kurt. I personally though it was hard to read, since I'm one of those people who get distracted by grammar errors. I know that in some poetry the writers don't use end marks or capitalization because that's how the poem is supposed to be. In this poem there is some punctuation and some parts with out. So you should go back and decide whether you want it or not. The capitalization is also a little sketchy. Also I think you should spell it 'cause or because instead of cuz
Hope this helps.
~peanut~
Is this about twilight? Haha I think it is. It's very cute, and I like how you tied God into it. The only thing is the grammar/spelling aren't correct. You might want to fix that.
-Rach