The sharp, barbed blades of my choices
I regret them
They writhe in my stomach
Slashing and slicing themselves out
Dripping from me onto the ground
A pool of lost opportunities
Foolish mistakes
They are joining
Molding
Intermixing
And they scoff, sneer, scorn
Their faces chastise me
Urging me to jump
I will
And they grow bigger and bigger
Larger and larger
Until everything drains away from my body
Until they don't matter anymore
Because
I did
I have
I’m gone
Gently embracing the little alien
The unknown
For life gives to death
It lives for death
And death exists for life
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141,364 Literary Works • 674,381 Reviews
Hey Squirtlepowiee, here for a Review Day review,
First Impressions:
Positives:
I liked that you used the word "writhe" here, because it's not often used when talking about sharp, hard metal objects, but it definitely creates some really interesting imagery. I can picture these blades cutting apart as they're ripped around from the inside. Beautiful.
Unfortunately, you follow it up with this;
What words are people going to associate with knives? Well, slashing and slicing I suppose. Every writer should be doing their best to step away from the simple and mundane, the overused and the cliche. You need to be giving me something new and unprecedented, especially when writing poetry. Here, it's not quite delivering.
I really like this freestyle you've done, though, because it feels very...you. It really is a personal thing, and I love that.
Negatives:
I feel like using "sharp" is too obvious and redundant, but sticking only with "barbed" still works.
So much repetition. I feel like I'm reading a thesaurus here, and that's not necessarily a good thing. I mean, every writer can just look up other words that sound cool, but mean virtually the same thing. The first grouping involving mixing is okay, but following it up with FOUR words that involve mocking. It feels to me that I'm not reading a talented writer who really knows words, it feels like someone who's trying really hard to think of something to say, rather than letting it flow.
This part was okay, but it also felt like you were trying too hard to make me amazed at how powerful you are, but I didn't quite feel it. I'm also a bit confused because of your scattered usage of life and death and flipping of the roles. It could be epic, but I think you're going to have to really think about what message you want to send, (which is sort of unclear,) and flesh it out a little by making longer thoughts and a few more words to build the meaning.
Overall:Good poetry, and I like it. If you can go through and reevaluate where you can improve, you can really turn this into something amazing.
I give it:
First off, I really enjoyed reading this. The word choice used is good, and the central topic is consistent. The only thing I would change is that punctuation is missing in some places it could be used. The lack of punctuation doesn’t take away from the poem, but it could help the words gain a better flow. I like how you ended the poem. The ending makes the poem more unforgettable for the reader, which I enjoy in poetry. Good work, keep writing.
I originally thought that the lack of punctuation would give the reader space to mentally emphasize some parts, but now that I've gone back to read it, it does sound a bit rushed without punctuation. Thanks for the help!!
Oh, and also, merry christmas!
Throughout the poem, I felt as if you had a deep imagination here but maybe it didn't come through as clear.
"It lives for death
And death exists for life"
The ending here seems to give too much away. It kind of ends the poem on a philosophical note rather than that of a poem. Perhaps if you made death sound more like a physical being as well as life it would fit into the scheme more. Describe death and than describe life. I'll just give an example here:
death, ugly thrashing creature he was
life spread out her nimble hands to him
to offer him her finest collection of angels.
Or something of that nature. Sounds pretty meh but that's just what I'm trying to say. If you added more imagery to this life and death the poem would express your words way more deeply.
"The sharp, barbed blades of my choices
I regret them
They writhe in my stomach"
Writhing in the narrator's stomach like what? Perhaps add a memory of the narrator here.
writhing like the sorrows of the world,
piercing my stomach like the cold edge
of a knife.
Or something like that. What I'm trying to say is add more imagery.
You have the foundation for a great poem here, just make sure to build on it. I would suggest re writing it, of course keeping the old one(I find that that usually helps me, and it will likely help you too). Anyways, if some improvements were made it would stand out way more than it already does.
Alright, thank you for the tips!
Hrm?